I was planning to go back to 1995 and finish out that story, but Holy Spirit had other ideas, so I’ll do that another night. The other night when I rode my bike out to Bud and Cathy’s for dinner, Bud made me go out and get some pictures with his camera. He casually said to ne that I needed to change my picture on facebook. We had fun taking some pictures and then we went to eat and talk. I didn’t think anything about it at the time, but it seems like every time I got on facebook I kept thinking about those pictures of me on my Harley. It was like Holy Spirit kept prodding me that it really was time to make the change. So when I talked to Bud tonight, I asked him to send me a couple of the best pictures. He did, and tonight I changed my picture from one of Julia and I in Hawaii to just me on my bike. No big deal, right? No wrong!
It didn’t seem like a big deal as I did it. I wrote what was on my heart, I loved Julia but I have to look to the future an not my past. That was all OK, pretty easy. Then it hit me. You all know that when I started this blog I told you that I would share my feelings, both good and bad. As soon as I finished posting that in facebook, a very strong wave of grief just overwhelmed me like a 40 foot rouge wave would overtake a sailboat. All of a sudden I found myself in deep distress, crying out in the pain of my loss and missing Julia just so much. I just cant describe the pain and the agony that I felt. It only lasted for about 30 seconds, but it seemed like an eternity. Then it subsided, but it came back again and again. It probably lasted about five minutes before it subsided for good.
I really couldn’t understand why that changing of the picture would cause that response in me. When I stopped wearing my ring there was none of that. I was asking Holy Spirit, why now and not then. The answer I got was that this was the last public connection that I had with Julia and my ring was just the beginning of my releasing her. Anyway, after about five minutes I was fine, but I was shocked at the level and depth of grief that was still within me. I guess that means that there is more to be released. I know that her birthday (Nov 26th) and Christmas are on the horizon, so I’m sure there are still more levels.
The good news in this is that it passes, and God continues to pour out His presence and His goodness in my life. I know His plans for me, and they are good. I know His plans for my kids and grandkids, and they are awesome!
I also watched the new version of Alice in Wonderland tonight. If you haven’t seen it, you need to watch it. It really is a good movie and it has a number of highly prophetic lines. As believers, we sometimes lose our “muchness”. You see, we have “much “ within us. God has given us all the tools we need to conquer the enemy. But we forget, and don’t realize all we have. We lose our “muchness” and believe ourselves to be less than we are.
Another thing is our destiny and our dreams. In the movie, Alice is told to stay on the designated path. Her spirit rises up and she says “I make the path”. That’s what God wants us to do. He has put things in our heart, dreams and visions. The world wants us to stay on our designated path, but Holy Spirit is crying out to us “You make the path! You make the path!” In order to reach our destiny, we can’t just follow what the world would have us do, we have to chose to make the path ourselves.
Lastly, we have to choose. We have to choose to be a champion. We have to choose to fight and not to run. We have top choose to stand for something. It’s our choice, but when we choose, we get the sword of the Spirit and He will lead us into the victory. Part of that choice is choosing to believe six impossible things wach day that God says are possible. As we choose to live for the impossible, the impossible becomes the possible.
So, tonight as I chose to change my picture on facebook, I had to take the sword of the Spirit and slay the dragon of grief and pain. I had to choose to step into life and destiny and not remain in the past. My love for Julia hasn’t changed, I h=just have to look at it in relation to my calling and my future. I thank Holy spirit for revealing all these truths to me and helping me to walk forward into my destiny. God truly is good.