Friday, April 30, 2010

Day 110 - Can You Fly?

Have you ever dreamed you were flying? I do sometimes, but not nearly as much as I used to when I was a boy. When I was a boy, I use to dream I was flying almost every night. I wasn’t in a plane, and I didn’t fly like Superman. Yes, he was my hero back then. No, I would just stand up and stretch my arms out in front on me grabbing each elbow with the opposite hand. Then I would just start going up. I could make myself go forward and sideways. I had to watch it because I would come close to hitting power lines and trees. I could go fairly high and fairly fast, but nothing like a plane. It’s amazing I remember this. I don’t necessarily remember all the things that I did, but I remember going different places and helping people. Here is the real question. Did it happen, or was it just a dream? OK, hear me out. Our spirit never sleeps. So was I dreaming or traveling in the Spirit. I don’t know. At the time I thought that I was dreaming. Now I’m not so sure. Now, I would love to fly like that in the spirit at night. I’ll ask Papa, maybe I can. That would be awesome.

What brought that question up was watching Avatar again tonight with Bud and Cathy. It was as good tonight as it was the last time I saw it. They came over for dinner. I grilled chicken and made a salad and grilled onions. They brought the potatoes. It was a great meal. Julia would have been proud of me. Speaking of Julia, when I was sitting the table I had everything out when I realized I had set the table for four instead of three. It was just instinct, and I wasn’t even thinking until I realized it. Normally when we had company, I would help her be sitting the table and I just did it like normal. It was bittersweet having to take all the stuff back. I really do miss her so much. The emptiness is still there, but right now there is no pain, just the emptiness. I have a feeling that’s the way it will be most of the time now.

I’ve been thinking about passion today. I thank God that He made me very passionate. For the most part that has been good although it has gotten me in trouble at times. Thank goodness that over the years I have learned to channel that passion into proper areas. I still love football, and can be passionate about it at times, but I have chosen not to allow myself to get to passionate about the games. I’m passionate about me kids and grandkids. I would do anything for them. Sometimes I tend to do too much, so I have allowed the Holy Spirit to guide me, but it hasn’t taken away my passion. I was very passionate for Julia. She was my best friend and my partner. Most of my passion went to her. I would do anything to protect her. I guess that’s why I can’t believe I didn’t see her symptoms more clearly. I don’t blame her or myself. Neither of us realized what was going on with her until it was too late. But it is still hard to believe that she is not here in the house with me.

I thing that most of my passion now is focused on God and His goodness. I want so much to see the Kingdom of Heaven released wherever I go. I have a passion to see His Presence released, people healed, saved and delivered. I have a passion to see His Glory released upon the earth, and I want to be a part of that. My destiny is tied up in this passion. It is very important.

Sometimes circumstances quench our passion. We build up walls to protect ourselves from hurt or anguish. These walls do the job, but they do much more. They block our emotions and cool our passion. We need emotions. We need to feel joy, laughter even pain and yes grief. I have to be careful not to allow any wall to build up. I have to continually put my trust in Jesus, Papa and Holy Spirit to know what I can handle and how to deal with it. It’s when I don’t trust them that I start taking things into my on hands. That is when walls are built up. Then it takes a release of trust to tear them down. I don’t think I have any walls, and I certainly don’t want any.

Well It’s getting late. We have healing prayer training tomorrow morning and I’m not sure what I am going to speak on. Then we have BSSM graduation tomorrow at 5PM. I do have my talk ready fot that one, although I still have a little work to do. My main focus early in the morning will be to se what I’m talking on tomorrow. I trust that Holy Spirit will give me a topic. After tomorrow I will be a first year graduate of BSSM. Unbelievable!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Day 109 - Identity is BIG

Today was a great day! I worked early this morning but finished early. Then I went by the church and talked with Tom for a while. I went home and went on an almost hour run. I listened to Scott Thompson’s sermon from last Sunday at Bethel Atlanta. It was great and very timely. Having run 14 marathons (so far) I could really relate to all his examples and they were all right on. In fact I thought it was prophetic that I was listening to it while I was running. God has already been speaking to me about reviewing everything I am involved in and releasing the things that I am not passionate about. I have already been doing this for a few months, and I know that I have to do more. I only have so much time energy and passion. I have to spend these resources wisely if I am to reach the destiny God has for me. One area that I am evaluating is my work schedule. I need to work; it’s just trying to adjust my budget to reduce the number of days. I have been averaging 17 the last three months. I would like to average 12. It’s a significant drop in income, and I have to see if I can stabilize my spending to accommodate this schedule. Reducing the days I work does two things. First it frees up more time and gives me more energy for other things. So it is important that I reach a balance in this area. I think I can do it. I will try it in June to see.

Next week I am going with Lisa to help her find a house in the Norfolk Va area. I’m looking forward to spending some time with her and Julia. Anna will stay in Mobile. Lisa will be moving towards the end of June or early July, so she needs to find a place to live as soon as possible. If Julia were here, she would probably be doing this, but I’m looking forward to it. Adair and Sean are at the State championship track meet in Orlando this weekend and Jennifer is with Meleah. Adair is an alternate and probably won’t run, but she should have a good time. I miss all my family. Being in different states is hard, but not impossible. We are all going to get together in Hilton Head for Christmas. I spent an hour or so on the Internet looking for places to rent. I am terrible about procrastinating when it comes to tings like that. I want to make sure I have this place in plenty of time. I found a couple of possibilities. Hopefully I will have one reserved by Monday or Tuesday.

Ministry in the Kingdom is fun, and tonight’s Healing Prayer was no exception. We probably had 60 -70 people there to minister and we probably prayed for over 50 people in one and a half hours. The vast majority of the people we prayed for were from outside our church. We had teams of three people praying. Our team prayed for five different people. Most were for some sort of physical healing. We had one man at least 90 percent healed of shoulder pain, lower back pain and leg pain. It might have been 100%. He was so excited he really didn’t communicate at the end. We had at least 8 people drawing and painting prophetic art to give to the people we were praying for. What I noticed tonight, and really every night I pray for people is this: Most, if not all of the people that I pray for also have an identity problem. They have a hard tme believing who they are in Christ or they never knew who they are in Christ. Either way, the enemy is able to keep them from walking into their destiny. Identity is BIG. We have to know who we are in Christ if we are going to do anything of value in the Kingdom.

Some day, and that day is soon, all the church is going to know who they are in Christ. They are going to see themselves as Christ sees them. At that point, the Kingdom of God will come in power through out the land, and we will obtain the Victory that Christ has come for. This will usher in the last great revival and harvest. I truly believe the key is us knowing who we are and how much God loves us. This was a passion that Julia had, and a passion that I still carry. It is why we wanted a Sozo ministry so bad at RiverStone. We have to connect people to the Godhead so they can reach their destiny. It is why I still want to be very involved in sozo ministry even though I gave up the day-to-day leadership of the ministry. But as good as Sozo is, it only reaches one person at a time. Teaching is good, but there has to be an experience, and encounter with the Godhead. That is one of the things that I am asking Papa to show me. How can I connect groups of people to Him, like we do one person at a time in Sozo? I don’t know, but I know someone who does, and I am going to continue to press in for an answer.

I’m closing in on my talk for Sat afternoon. I know that identity will play a huge part in it. I’m off tomorrow. I have guests coming for dinner, so I have to prepare the house, and a meal. It should be fun and challenging.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Day 108 - Looking in the Mirror

Do you ever find yourself looking in the mirror? I know that I do. I look to see if I have gained weight, of how my clothes fit. I used to look to see if my hair was fixed right. I don’t really have that problem anymore. Most of us look inside ourselves. We don’t really have mirrors, but we don’t need them. How do you see yourself? That is so important. Do you see yourself through your eyes? What about your parent’s eyes? Maybe you see yourself through the eyes of friends, or coworkers. Most of us don’t see ourselves like we should. We fail to see ourselves through God’s eyes. This is an interesting question I am asking myself as I wrestle on what to say at Graduation on Saturday afternoon. I really need to be thinking about what I am going to say at Healing Prayer training on Saturday morning. But the more I meditate, the more the two talks run together.
How I see myself really hinges on a bigger question that the church is totally divided on. The question is “How do you see God”? Most people stop there they can’t even think about seeing the individual parts of the Trinity; Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit. Really, I’m afraid that most of the church doesn’t even think about seeing God. I really don’t want to be pessimistic, and I am so excited about what God is doing. We are in the greatest move in History. There are more believers now than ever before. It’s just I want so much for the whole church to know God and His Goodness. I want ny kids to know and understand how they can crawl up into the lap of Father God, just like they can crawl up into my lap. I want them to know that He loves them so much and has such great plans for them. Steve said something last night that I want to quote, because it impacted m and I want the impact to be felt by others who are reaching out for destiny. He was talking about the dream to start a church and a school in Atlanta. He said: “Three years ago we were released to start a school and a church. Three years from now whether you go after your dream or not, it will still be three years from now. “ Time is going to pass whether you go after your dreams or not. Three years from now will be three years from now. What are you going to do with them? We need, no I need to pursue my dreams because time is still ticking like a clock whether I do after them or not.

So that brings me back to the question I started with. How do I see myself? Who do I let myself be influenced by? I have to constantly look to Papa and ask Him how he sees me, and then choose to believe it. I wish that I could say that I do it all the time. I don’t, and when I don’t I begin to find myself doubting. Not doubting God, but doubting myself, doubting my call and my destiny. When I realize this I have to refocus myself on who I am and what He says about me. When I do that I can remain on track and in His presence so much easier. I had to do this today. There were something’s going on that made me begin to think of myself as I used to think. I was seeing myself as I think some others see me. As I did that there were elements of fear and despair that began to creep into my thoughts. I found myself feeling very heavy, and not worth much. I finally wasn’t thinking about it anymore, but the heaviness didn’t really go away. It just lurked in the background. I remember wishing Julia was here with me, because she would have pulled me out of it pretty quickly. Anyway, it was just there in the background. It really didn’t life until I started writing. You see, I forgot it had happened, and hadn’t dealt with it. I have to be ruthless and deal with these things in my thought pattern as soon as they come up. Anyway, God is so good that as I started writing tonight He brought it back and now it is gone. It is gone because I see who I am. I see who I am through His eyes, and I know who He is. He is good, and His love came down and rescued me. He rescued me not only from sin, but from wrong thought patterns if I let Him. Don’t you see, I am His son. His son who He loves and has plans for. He desires that I come and hang out with Him and talk with Him. It’s fun to be a son, even if I need to be reminded who I am every now and then.

Tomorrow night is Night of Healing Prayer at RiverStone. It will be a good night. I am looking for His Presence and Power to show up. I know He wants to, and I want testimonies of His love and Grace to be released. It should be fun!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Day 107 - Last day of School

Well it’s over. I just got home from the last day of the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry first year. Tonight went out with a bang. First worship was awesome. Then we had two students speak. I pray that I will be as anointed as they were when I speak on Saturday afternoon. Then Steve Hale spoke and really had us answer a question about what we had gotten out of school. I hadn’t really processed that question. I have gotten so much. But as I begin to think about it, one thing stuck out. I had experienced, no been immersed in, Kingdom Culture. It is a culture where everybody is going after the same thing. It is a culture where 100 radical students really believe that they can raise the dead, heal the sick and cast out demons. It is a place where you can have differences of opinion, but still go after the same things. It is a place built around family and relationship. I have experienced this on a smaller scale to a lesser degree. But in these past 8 months I have lived it. It has become engrained into my DNA. It’s part of who I am, and I will never be the same because of it. So why, why do they have it. Why does this school in Atlanta have it to the same degree the school in Redding does. I see three reasons, and they are al interconnected. First, Steve, Lindy and the whole Hale family gave up a year in their life to go after a dream: to attend the BSSM in Redding. The cost they paid was tremendous. Most big dreams do come at a high cost. Secondly, Bethel Redding covered them and launched them to plant a church and school in Atlanta. This is huge. The apostolic covering has paved the way for miracles from day one. This school walks in the same anointing and covering that the school in Redding does. The third reason is just as important as the other two. 10 – 15 radicals (I’m not sure of the exact number) bough into Steve and Lindy’s dream of starting a school in Atlanta. They saw what God wanted to do here in this region and left Redding to come to Atlanta. This is amazing. Most people are trying to get to Redding, not leave it. They paid the ultimate price, leaving homes and families to move across the country for a dream. They give a weight to this school in the Spirit that pushes it up there with the school in Redding. I am so glad they came. It took all three reasons to come together to make this school and church what it is. I have been truly blessed by it.

Then Scott Thompson talked about our destiny and our calling. He talked about how things were accelerating, and that we were at the forefront of a movement like the world had never seen. He talked about how we in the school were going to impact the whole region, about how we had already impacted the region. This region full of religion had never seen many miracles, and we were being released to display the raw power of God. He is right, and I can’t wait to see more than I have seen. I am excited to be alive in these times. After that we ended with a big fire tunnel. This school is not about academics; it is about being released into supernatural ministry. I have had a lot invested into me this year, we all have. Now it is up to us to see what we do with it. I know that I will go the second year, then what? I know I have much to do over the next number of years. So what is next, I don’t know. I do know this. It is best expressed in one of my favorite quotes:

The economy of the kingdom of God is quite simple. Every new step in the kingdom costs us everything we have gained to date. Every time we cross a new threshold, it costs us everything we now have. Every new step may cost us all the reputation and security we have accumulated up to that point. It costs us our life.
A disciple is always ready to take the next step. If there is anything that characterizes Christian maturity, it is the willingness to become a beginner again for Jesus Christ. It is the willingness to put our hand in his hand and say, "I'm scared to death, but I'll go with you. You're the Pearl of great price."
--John Wimber

So, whatever the next step is, it will be costly. The bigger the step, the more it costs. I haven’t seen what that step is, but whatever it is, I’m ready. It’s a great time to be alive and in the Kingdom.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Day 106 - I'm Not the Same

We were singing a song during worship tonight about being changed by the Holy Spirit. As we were singing it I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me how much I’ve changed. He didn’t give me specifics. He just had me look back to September when school started. Almost eight months. Tomorrow is the last night of school. I really am a little nervous about what it is going to be like without class on Monday and Tuesday nights. I have not been this way before. Ever since Julia died, I have been in school. What will it be like now that school is over? Will it change? I don’t know, but I do know that I have changed. I can see at least two reasons for my change. First is all that I have been through with the loss of Julia. Her love for me, and mine for her was so great, I would never have been able to comprehend what it is to be without her. Yet, my relationship with Holy Spirit, Papa and Jesus has grown tremendously. But would it have grown so much if I hadn’t already been in school? I’ll never know the answer to that. What I do know is that God had me at the right place for this season of my life. Being in school has helped me to soar above the storms. As I heard speaker after speaker talk ablut God’s goodness it just reinforced the basis of my core beliefs. To see God move, and hear the testimonies of healing, even in the midst of sorrow made me press in for more of Him and His presence.

Tonight as we worshiped, I could see Julia ‘s face. She had a big smile on her face like she was proud of me. I wish that she could be at graduation with me in the flesh, but I know that she will be there in the spirit pulling for me. I have been honored with the task of being one of two speakers at the ceremony. The first year class voted for me to speak, and the second year class voted for a second year student. It is a great honor, and I hope that the anointing shows up or I will be in trouble. It will not be a long message as we are pressed for time. So I need a concise, brief, powerful and anointed word. I know I can’t do that, so I will have to give it to the Holy Spirit. Anyway, tonight was the first time that I had actually seen Julia’s face. It was a pleasure to behold, and I just entered deeper into worship.

There is a new movement coming. God is beginning to really release ordinary people to bring in His harvest. We are a part of that movement. Whether you call it community transformation or revival. He is on the move, and I really believe this will be the individuals who have sold out to him rather than the “anointed pastor” who is a one man show. We at the school are on the cutting edge of what God is doing. It is a Kingdom work and requires a knowledge and understanding of Kingdom principles.

I’ll probably talk about this in my message, but Faith said something last week that got me thinking. She said a couple of times “ I don’t do the age thing”. She was talking about something that happened to her years ago, but instead of saying how old she was she said that she didn’t do the age thing. I began to contemplate that and asked Holy Spirit about what she meant. I felt that Holy Spirit told me that any time you give your age in relation to ministry, you are giving your self an excuse. You are either too old, or too young. Think about it. Is there ever a “perfect” age to do ministry? The enemy always uses your age against you, so why not take away that tool. The Holy Spirit was so adament with me that He warned me with this warning. If I continued to look at my age, I would limit my ministry and I would never reach the destiny that He had for me. That got my attention, so from now on, I’m not doing the age thing either!

All in all I guess I have changed. I know that I have more passion for God and the things of the Spirit. I know that I see more Globally now instead of just locally. I know that I have more compassion for others now, and I know that my heart is very tender for the things of God and to see people reach their destiny. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a part of all that God is doing. I am seeing history (His Story) being played out. This year has been amazing, and I am very blessed.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Day 105 - Some Healing is a Process

I pray for people to get healed. Jesus said heal the sick, not pray for healing. Yes, I believe that prayer is an integral part. But prayer can come in the form of a declaration or a petition. Both are valid, and both are needed. I am not there yet. I want to be, and I sense more anointing and more of His presence when I pray. Sometimes people get healed. Sometimes they even get healed instantly. But not often enough. I want more! That is a good thing. We should all be crying out for more of His presence and power. I cry out for the day when everyone I pray for get’s healed instantly. But I haven’t seen it yet. Each time I pray, I really feel that the person is going to be healed, but they are not. That is always the question that we can’t answer. Why? Why do some people get healed and others do not? That is one of the questions that I have had to put into the closet of mysteries to ask when I get to heaven. I know and believe 100% that it is God’s will to heal. I also know and believe 100% that Jesus has paid the price for our healing just as He paid the price for our salvation. So, the problem’s not on God’s end. Now I know that theologically many would argue that God allows us not to be healed for various reasons. But I look at myself as a father. Would I want my girls to suffer when they could be healed? Would I allow them to suffer because I knew that they would be a better person for it? NO, NO, a thousand times NO! So then If I being evil wouldn’t do this, how much more would my heavenly Father desire to give good gifts. It’s not in His nature. IF Jesus is His representative on earth, where did Jesus allow someone to suffer so that they would be a better person? I’m sorry for these questions, but I got a little upset today.

I was at church, feeling really good. It was before worship, and someone came up to me and asked me how I was doing. I said that I was doing great. That person looked me in the eyes and said again, “How are you doing really?” I really wanted just to turn around and walk off. I hate it when I am doing good, but someone thinks I should be doing bad? Why can’t people take what you say at face value? Am I totally healed? Have I stopped missing Julia? No. I’m still being healed and I still miss her. I probably always will, at least I hope so. But I can have good days. I will not let myself be put into a box of grief. A box that says it takes so long to get to here, or so long to do that. There are things I still don’t want to do, things I don’t feel I am ready to do. That’s OK, I know where I am in the process. But I know that I have many totally good days, and some good days that have some hard times in them. Today had been a really good day except for that time before church and then just before I started this blog tonight. You see, I realized tonight that there was an area where the healing hasn’t been completed yet. It is still raw when I think about it. But that is OK. I know that emotional healing is normally a process. My prayer, and I think Papa is answering it is this. Lord Heal me totally, and make me stronger than before, but don’t leave any area in my life untouched. I want all of me to go after you with all my heart. Sharpen my emotions so that I can be used to bring divine justice for Julia’s death. He is doing this, but to do this completely, I have to be able to feel. I have to allow my emotions to have free range, although they have to be under the control of Holy Spirit. I really hope that I am making sense.

I really wasn’t mad at the person today. I was annoyed a little, but mostly sad, because I see how I have tried to put people into boxes. People who don’t understand about the goodness of God really can’t understand how I cam have good days. Maybe they have never seen it. Maybe they just project onto me how they think that they would feel. I want to say that is not my problem, but it is. You see this is a crucial issue if we are to see healing released on a level we desire. We have to raise the corporate anointing of the church. Not just RiverStone, or Bethel Atlanta, but the church at large. AS ling as Satan has the church believing that God causes sickness and death to build character we will never get to the place God wants us to go. All the enemy has to do is to convince us that it “might not” be Gods will to heal that person. Just that one thought makes us double minded. Once we have gone there, we have lost the battle. So, in my humble but accurate opinion, one of the doctrines of demons that much of the church believes has to do with what is the will of God. Here is the bottom line. God is Good and He does Good things. It is never His will to give disease or death. If I can’t believe that, then everything else is questionable too. But I do believe that, and I can walk in faith, knowing that He cares for me, and loves me. So, yes my healing is a process. But in the middle of that process I am still strong, still powerful in the Spirit, and still going after Him relentlessly.

It’s early for my blog, but 3AM comes early tomorrow. Only two more days of school. It’s hard to believe the year is almost over.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Day 104 - Lazy Saturday

It has been raining most of the day, but that’s all right. We needed the rain, and it has given me an excuse just to stay home all day. I spent most all of the morning and early afternoon working on my homework for BSSM, and all afternoon watching movies. In between I washed clothes, folded clothes and made supper.

I am through with all my homework for the year. It is really hard to believe, and a little sad. I finished all of my Bible reading this morning and then spent an hour of so working on my prophetic art project. We were supposed to draw a prophetic picture for our selves. Then we were supposed to make it on a canvas or bigger than we normally do. I have decided that I am a 2 minute picture maker. I can do a pretty good job making it realistic and understandable in two minutes. Thwt’s because it doesn’t require much artistic talent. When you spend longer on the drawing, my lack of artistic talent shows up, big time. My prophetic picture was of an Eagle flying high above the clouds and thunderstorms. It represented me overcoming the storms of life. The clouds look OK, but the Eagle is really weak. Oh well. I did my best, and I had fun doing it. I will keep it because to me it represents what has been going on in my life for the last few months. I’ll take it to school and show the group on Monday. It was really good to get through with all of my reading. It feels good to have that out of my way.

This afternoon I watched Indiana Jones and the Chrystal Skull. It was OK, I have seen it twice already. It is still a good action movie and passed the time. While it was going on I made a pot of “Hobo Stew.” This is a dish my mom used to make when we were kids. You mix ground beef, chopped onions, chopped potatoes, corn and canned tomatoes and cook it all together. Add tobaccos sauce and you have a great meal. I cooked enough to eat it again and still freeze some for later. I also made guacamole tonight. It was great. So I have been doing more cooking today than I have in a long time. I’m actually getting better as a cook. My only regret for the day was that I didn’t get to the Y like I had planned. It took too much time to finish my reading this morning.

I just finished watching Avatar on my Blu ray DVD. I think this is the movie that they made Blu ray for. It was so crisp and the depth of field was almost as good as it was in 3D. Almost, but not quite; I would still pay to go see it again at the theater in 3D. But for DVD, it was excellent. The story is so good, with so many parallels in the spirit if you just think Kingdom. I’m not going to say anymore about the movie because I know that some of you haven’t watched it yet. You need to.
It’s funny, I was talking with one of my daughters today, and she said that she liked my blog yesterday, but she never knew that I was shy. I am, Julia and I both considered ourselves to be shy. I have learned to push through it over the years, but I still find myself wanting to just fade into the woodwork and not talk to people that I don’t know. I hate parties when I don’t know many people. I think I just really hate making small talk. I run out of things to say and I feel embarrassed. It’s funny, because when I am ministering, I’m not that shy. It’s like I need the anointing to break out of my box. I am doing better after all these years, but I still find myself wanting to just disappear, especially now that Julia’s not with me. We would always watch out for each other when we were in a strange place. I really miss that. Come to think of it, that might be part of the reason that I asked her to marry me on the first date. Who knows? It’s an interesting thought anyway.

I was just thinking about today. I think I have talked to three people all day. I did go to Publix for a few minutes, otherwise I have been home alone all day. A few months ago, that would not have been a good thing for me. But today I am fine with it. In fact, I sort of enjoyed it. It’s so seldom that I get to do it that I kind of liked it. Don’t get me wrong, I still miss Julia, but what I’m trying to say is that I wasn’t in pain or agony being by myself. On the contrary, I was really at peace. I believe God is teaching me how to live alone with His presence no mater what I am doing. This is not superspiritual, It’s just living life, knowing everything’s going to be OK. I can do this. I’m not an invalid. I’m not so old that I have to have a “Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” necklace. I have a lt of life to live, and a great deal of it will be alone. I’m learning that that is not necessarily bad. This is an interesting observation and I am writing it down as He is downloading it to me. So, I can enjoy being alone, just as I can enjoy being with people. As in all things the key is balance. The rain is still coming down, and I can hear it. It sounds good and refreshing.

Oh, I did see the stupid squirrels up on the bird feeders today. It was fun, because they were completely frustrated. They tried at least 3 times and weren’t successful. I still wish I had a gun. Well, it would have been to wet to stand out there ans shoot at them anyway. We will see what they try to do tomorrow.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Day 103 - A Peaceful Day

Have you ever wondered why God made squirrels? I was wondering that today as I watched a squirrel sitting on top of my “squirrel proof baffle eating all the bird seed out of the bird feeder. To bad Noah let them on the boat. They are really nothing but rats with furry tails. I ate squirrel stew once or twice as a boy. I remember my friend Mike had a .22 rifle and used to shoot them out of the trees. Sometimes I really wish for simpler times. Anyway I had a 20% off coupon at the bird store, so this afternoon I bought a new “squirrel proof” bird feeder. I really wanted a gun, but I will settle for this for now. We will see how it works. It could be that the squirrels and bird storeowners have a conspiracy against homeowners.

All in all it has been a good day. I was off, and I slept in this morning. I realized that I had worked 8 out of the last 9 days plus school. No wonder I was tired. It was so pretty I was able to eat breakfast on the deck. It is one of my favorite places in the early morning on a summer day. I could just stay there and meditate or worship or just read. Today I was working on my Bible reading for BSSM. I am almost through. I will definitely finish tomorrow. I still have my prophetic art AMT homework to complete, but I will get it done tomorrow too. In fact if it rains tomorrow like they say it will, I will have time to do it all and watch some movies. I bought Avatar yesterday. I got it in Blu-Ray. I think it should be very good, and I can’t wait to watch it again. I am already seeing so much spiritual significance to the movie its unbelievable. So I really want to see it again. Tomorrow should be the day.

I did get a run in this afternoon. And we had 7 sozos tonight. Mine was very good. The guy definitely had an encounter with the Godhead. It was awesome! It is so good to see people set free. It was also good to watch new leadership in action. Ben and Kerry, Mike and Tonya had everything set up, and took control. They were great. It’s going to be fun working with them.

Today I was thinking about Julia. It was 39 years ago this month that we had our blind date and I asked her to marry her. I can still remember the date. We went to one of my friends apartments for dinner. There were about 4 couples. All the guys knew each other, and I knew all the other girls. They had been dating my friends for a while. Julia was probably the only one that didn’t know everybody else. We ate, and had a lot of conversation. She was holding her own with everyone else. She didn’t seem shy at all. I later found out that like me, she was very shy. But I couldn’t tell it then. She seemed like a woman who knew what she was after. She was very smart, finishing college a year early. I was definitely impressed. When we were eating desert, she spilled ice cream in her lap. It just seemed to fly out of the bowl into her lap. It definitely made a mess. I could see she was embarrassed, but I didn’t think less of her. On the contrary, I had been in that situation many times. In those days I was very clumsy and did a lot of things much worse. In fact It had the opposite effect on me. I just liked her even more. It made her real. We often laughed later on that the reason I married her was that she spilt the ice cream in her lap that night. So as I was spending the day at home, I was thinking about that first date. I had no idea what a gift that Father God was going to give me. I am so blessed to have been with Julia all these years. I am so blessed to have the memories that I have, and the children and grandchildren who all remind me of her so much.

This is going to be a very good weekend. I am off, with no plans except to get things done that I have been putting off. There is ironing to do, and some bills to pay. I have a talk to work on and movies to watch. Sunday I will go to church at least once, maybe twice. I want to be able just to have some time to meditate on His goodness, and hang out with Papa, Jesus and Holy Spirit. So it can rain all day as far as I am concerned. There is a deep peace in the house tonight. I feel the Father’s pleasure. He loves me so much, and He is just enjoying me hanging out with Him for a while.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Day 102 - Bungee Jumping with Holy Spirit

Last night as I went to bed, I allowed myself the freedom to take that bungee jump. But I had a strong tether wrapped around me to keep me from crashing. That tether was the presence of the Holy Spirit and the love and goodness of the Father. I grieved deeply, with groans and tears for a little while, and then refocused on God’s love for me, and all the blessings that I am so thankful for. In only a couple of minutes after deep grief, I was wrapped in the presence of God and went peacefully to sleep. I really don’t think that I am different from anyone else. I just think that I am being given a glimpse of how my Father wants me to grieve and receive healing. I don’t want to be presumptuous to say this is the way everyone should grieve. But at the same time I feel that He has allowed me to move into an area of freedom and healing that is available to all believers if only they would choose it. So what is God giving me that allow me to do this? As I meditate on this and ask Him, I am getting a few things. I know there are more, but I just want to focus on a few tonight.

First, I believe that He has given me the ability to put all the questions that I have about Julia’s death away. While I might think about them periodically, I don’t dwell on them, and I don’t keep asking Him why. The reality is that I totally believe in His goodness and His desire for my best. If I didn’t believe in His goodness, believe to the point that it doesn’t even enter my mind that He caused this. If I didn’t believe that, then I could never release the questions. I know some people say that God is good, but they still think that He manipulates things to cause suffering for our good. You see it’s how you define goodness that determines what you really believe. Bill Johnson said that the next battle in the Church at large would be over the Goodness of God. I believe this to be true. I can see it beginning to take shape. I believe God would never do something that if I did it to my kids I would be arrested for. So the total goodness of God allows me to lay the questions down.

Secondly, I believe that He as taught me over the years how to enter His presence and obtain rest. You might call me a mystic. I don’t think that I am one. I would like to be, but I don’t think I’m there yet. However I have learned to be able to move into the presence of Jesus, Father or Holy Spirit and to be able to discern the difference between them most of the time. I think my time in Sozo training, and having a few sozos myself has been instrumental in this. Also spending time under the teaching and instruction of Judy Franklin has helped a lot. I am a very visual person, and I see pictures all the time. I believe I am just now beginning to move into being able to see more in the Spirit, but I can surly feel and sense God’s presence, and I have learned how to move into it almost at will. I truly believe that anyone who is a believer can do this. It just takes practice, and a commitment to continue to try until it happens. I think that Father God loves it when we seek Him out, just like I love it when my daughters of granddaughters crawl up into my lap. So we need to keep pressing into the presence. We can do that through worship, soaking, meditating on scriptures or any number of other ways. The key is just making time to do it.

The last one I want to talk about tonight is not allowing ourselves to dive into self pity. It is very tempting and easy to do. All we have to do is dwell on our loss, our pain, our loneliness. That is bungee jumping without a rope or tether, and it is deadly. If we allow ourselves dwell there we will wind up in depression and despair. We will feel alone and abandoned. We will be wondering where God is, rather than resting in His presence. No, we can’t allow ourselves to dwell there. We all have these thoughts. They are like fiery darts that the enemy sends to see if they can stick. We have to release them and choose to believe in God and His Goodness. That’s where it all begins. When these thoughts come, don’t follow them. Embrace the goodness of God and be tethered to the Holy Spirit. Then and only then can you safely bungee jump into the deep pool of grief. We need to grieve; we just need to be tethered to the truth, the truth of who God is and how much He loves us.

So last night I went bungee jumping into the pool of grief. But the Holy Spirit pulled me right out of that pool, just like the cord tied around the leg of someone jumping off a bridge in the natural. It was safe, and profitable. Tonight things are well with my soul and I don’t think I will have to go there.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Day 101 - The Other Shoe

In life it’s not the expected that knocks you of course. It’s the unexpected. As a pilot, we deal with threats all the time. We brief how we will mitigate all the expected threats. For example there is mountainous terrain in the area. We talk about what is the minimum safe altitude so if we have too we climb to that altitude and know that we won’t hit any mountains. We also cover how to do certain emergencies in case we have them. In other words we plan ahead and prepare for contingencies. We normally can take care of these pretty good. It’s those unplanned “Popup” emergencies that normally give crews problems. The same thing happens in life. You think you are doing good, you have covered your bases and then all of a sudden, POW! You are blindsided.

Today I was blindsided. Not by anything that was surprising, but by something that came about earlier than I expected. When Julia died, it was so fast that even the doctors were wondering if there was some other reason. They were unable to identify any infection in the short time that she lived. So it was natural that the hospital requested to the coroner that an autopsy be performed. I was in perfect agreement. I just couldn’t, and still can’t, understand how someone so healthy could die so quickly. Well, in real life CSI doesn’t work like it does on TV. It has taken over three months to get all the results back. So that meant no death certificate until it was complete. So I have not been able to take care of any of Julia’s affairs or close out accounts. In other words, there are things in the air that need to be taken care of and have not been dealt with. In some ways it’s like the old pair of shoes. You heard one drop, and you are waiting for the other one. On Monday I called the Coroner’s office to ask about how everything was proceeding. I found out that they had all the final results and I would soon get the death certificate. I asked if I could get a copy of the autopsy and they said that I could. I figured that I would get it next week. I was surprised to get a call this morning saying it was ready. On my way home from work this morning I sopped by the funeral home and picked it up. Going into the funeral home didn’t bother me, but when I came out I got in the car and read the death certificate. A heaviness came on me. Not too bad, I could handle it. I was really on a mission. I wanted to get the autopsy and see how they came to the conclusion. I went home, changed clothes and then went to Hiram to get the report. I found the office, went in, and they gave me the report. I went out tot the car to leave. I had the autopsy and the death certificates in my hand. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. It took me by total surprise. It felt just like it did 101 days ago. As I read the report it was like seeing her die all over. I was almost overwhelmed. If I had allowed myself to go there it would have been like bungee jumper jumping without the rope. I could have crashed and burned emotionally right there in the car. But I didn’t. What I did do was get in the car and drive home. Instead of focusing on my loss and that day, I made myself focus on our love, and how grateful I am to have had her for so long. Then as I got better, I called a couple of friends and made plans to go see them when I got home.

I couldn’t believe it. Last night I was wondering what the next 100 days would bring, and on day 101 it was hitting me like day 1. I knew what I had to do. I had to practice what I had written about last night. I needed to worship, and worship radically. I came in and put on a loud, fast worship song and began to worship God. Praising Him and giving Him glory. I didn’t worship to long because I went over to a friends house. Then I went to the Y to work out. I have been fine the rest of the day. I guess what I am learning is that at anytime something can trigger deep emotions. I need to release these emotions, not keep them pent up. But when you bungee jump, you better have a rope on. I will release these emotions, but there are times when it would be too deep and too far. I have to allow Holy Spirit to help me realize when to allow the grief and when to stop it. But in the midst of it all, worship and praise continues to take me into new places.

So today, the other shoe fell. Day 101 had the potential to be like Day 1, but it wasn’t. Warfare is interesting. The sneak attacks tend to do the most damage, but if you have prepared yourself in the Spirit, you can overcome. Today I am an over comer. You know what? I plan on being an over comer tomorrow too!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Day 100 - Praise Him in All Things

Wow 100 days! It is hard to believe I have been bloging for 100 days. If you are reading this, thank you for your love, support, and comments or just being there praying for me when you felt led. When I started this venture, I knew two things. First I really felt that the Holy Spirit told me that through this I would receive healing quicker. I really know that so far this is true. There have been many nights when writing has taken a weight off of my shoulders, or released pent up grief that I didn’t even know I had. The second thing that Holy Spirit told me was that many others would receive healing by reading this and experiencing it with me. My prayer is that this is true also. I believe that it is. I have had emails along with the comments on the blog that seem to indicate this, but I will probably never know for sure. So I pray for all of you out there who are walking through this journey with me. I pray that whatever area it is that you need healing in that God will touch during this process and that you will have complete healing. I know that He is faithful, and prophetically right now I speak a release of the Kingdom of God over you. May His Kingdom come in your situation, and healing be released.

I finished my last book report for school today. It’s due next week, so I am early. I have all my homework except for a little Bible reading that I will complete this week. I was counting the books we have read this school year. I think I counted 9 plus all the Bble reading and Bible study. It has really been a busy year. Anyway, as I said the other night; the last book was Bill Johnson’s “Strengthen yourself in the Lord.” I have read it before, and I was surprised at how much of what he said in the book I was already doing. One of the last questions on the book report was to pick what you thought was one of the most meaningful tools that Bill wrote about and then write a letter to a friend telling them how important it was and what it meant to you. Here is a modified version of my answer. I am really writing this to anyone going through any type of loss or time when they need God to move in their life.

Dear , (fill in a name)
At Julia’s death I had a choice. The choice was to look only at the circumstance or loss and grieve, or to strengthen myself in the Lord. As you know I chose the latter. I did this by immediately choosing to praise God in the situation. At Julia’s death after we had asked God and prayed for her resurrection we stood around her bed and I led us in singing praise to Him. At that moment His presence filled the room and even in the midst of intense grief, we were able to feel His goodness, love and peace. This is a tool you can use at anytime to strengthen yourself in the Lord. In the midst of any situation, if you choose to praise Him and focus in on His love and mercy, He will release His love and presence into that situation. The situation might not change, but you will change in the middle of it because you will gain His strength and His perspective. He will be with you in your grief or in you joy. His grace will be released to deal with any situation. So if you can learn to not stay focused on the situation, but begin to focus on His love and goodness, you can praise Him and release His strength in you to deal with anything. I hope this helps.

We only have this opportunity while we are here on earth. In heaven there will be no pain or loss. If I have learned anything over the past few months it is this. It blesses Him so much when we choose to honor and praise Him when we don’t feel like it. When it is just an act of our will. The good news is that when He is so honored, He releases so much of His love and blessing that we cannot help to receive it. We wind up receiving more than we give. He designed it that way. We can’t out give Him, but trying to is what we should do.
I guess 100 days is a milestone of sorts. If I were president the media would be weighing my effectiveness in office and things like that. But I’m not, thank God, so I can let the Father evaluate where I am after 100 days. I asked Him and He says He is pleased. It’s time for bed. Once again 3AM comes early. Tomorrow starts a new 100 days. I wonder what they will look like?

Day 99 - Releasing the Kingdom

It’s been a very long day, but it has bee a very good day. I just got back from school. It’s 11:15, and I really don’t feel like writing. The presence of God is just so strong, I would just like to sit and bask in His peace. But it’s late, and if I’m going to get this done, I need to write. It seems like work was an eternity ago. I was up at 3 and at work a little before 5AM. I did go buy and have lunch with my Dad and Allene. It was good to see him and we talked for a good while. It’s hard to believe he is 85. He’s having a few problems, but over all he is doing good for his age. “Good for your age”, what does that mean. I want to be doing good, not “good for my age”. I was listening to his ailments and I was thinking to myself that maybe I didn’t want to live to be that old. I want to live a good life, and maybe live to an old age, but I had rather burn out in a blaze of glory than rust out in a rocking chair. Well that’s my opinion right now. I was thinking that it wasn’t fair. Julia got to leave without having to go through with any of that. No, I definitely don’t want any long-term slow illness. I want and am declaring divine health until I just leave one day. It’s funny, but as I think about it, that’s what Julia did. She was totally healthy and then she was gone. She lived all of her life to the fullest. I just wish there had been more of it.

Tonight in worship we sang a song that was really good. I wrote down some of the words. The chorus said “We carry Your Kingdom everywhere we go.” That is so true, and how often we, I, forget. I get caught up in a mission going somewhere and I forget that I am God’s representative wherever I go. I forget to ask Him if there is anything He wants me to do wile I am out. I wind up going out and coming back never letting anyone know that the Kingdom of God has passed by them. When I think about it, I can be a good representative of the Kingdom. If I am intentional then I will probably ask God who to pray for, or go on an improvised treasure hunt. It’s the times that I am not intentional that I really need to work on. I am praying to hear His voice in everything that I do. This way I will bring the Kingdom into many more areas and have an opportunity to impact many more people. If we as believers are to help bring in this next generation to the Kingdom of God, we have to learn to be intentional no matter when or where.

I am about to graduate from the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. It sounds impressive. But we really ought to rename the school to the Bethel school of the Normal Christian Life. Because in reality, that’s what we have been doing. Learning how to live the normal Christian life, learning to live like Jesus did. What did Jesus do? He preached about the Kingdom of God, healed the sick, cast out demons, raised the dead and cleansed the lepers. So this is the life of Jesus, it should be our life’s message. We should always be releasing this. Before we can do this, we have to understand who we are in Christ. That’s what this year in school had primarily been about, identity. Until we realize who we are, we can’t minister effectively. So that’s why I’m going to year two, I want to see more of God’s power released and will see him. Now that I have my identity established I can go after anything that God tells me to see them.

I was able to talk with Faith for a little while tonight. I want to get her to pray for me. I know that she carries a great weight of impartation. I need more. She did tell me of an opportunity to travel with her team next summer. I’m going to try and make it work; I want to be known in Heaven and in Hell. I want to be able to heal the sick, cast out demons and to raise the dead. I’ve gained much this year, but there is still much more! I can’t wait.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Day 98 - A Reminder of Who He is

Today was an OK day until tonight. I got up and went to work. That was fine, but there was just sort of a melancholy feeling about the whole day. I wasn’t depressed, or in deep grief or anything like that. It’s just that there was no life, no spark. It’s like I was going through the motions trying to stay up. Succeeding for the most part, but really I found myself thinking of Julia at odd times. It’s the first day in a while where it was like there was a heaviness in the air. It really wasn’t tangible and I really didn’t recognize it until late this afternoon. Then I realized that it had been with me all day. That’s insidious, and I have to watch it in the future. I’ve found that when I know it’s there I can deal with it, but when it just sneaks up on you, then it takes effect when you are not aware. It begins to effect your thinking. You find yourself tired and not really wanting to do anything. That’s the way I found myself this afternoon. I got home around 3:15. I finished watching a movie that I had started last night. It really wasn’t very good, and could be depressing in itself. I then ate a salad, and watched a little TV. I really didn’t want to get out and go to church tonight, but I made myself got out. I am so glad I did.

In “Strengthening Yourself in the Lord”, Bill Johnson talks about the importance of worship. And going after the Presence of God. I did that tonight. Worship was very good, but I was intense in the though of just going after His presence. I could just feel things breaking off of me as I worshiped. Things that I didn’t even know had gotten on me. But the end of worship time I was deep into His presence, and it was such a good feeling. I was lighter, I had more clarity and it was like I could see clearer and with out a haze around me. We have been reading this book for school. It’s our last assignment. I have read it before, but I really didn’t remember much of it until I started reading it again. It was then I realized that I was doing most of the things in the book that He talks about. I have been “Strengthening Myself in the Lord” ever since Julia died. If you haven’t read that book, you need to. I didn’t realize how much I had learned in the past few years. I know that had this happened to me a few years ago, I would not be where I am today. I can thank many people and the Lord for that, but I have to give special thanks to Bethel Church, Bill Johnson and all the leaders there who have impacted me and my family.

Anyway, I digress. After worship Tom taught in a round about way on the Goodness of God. It was about Jesus and how we have to judge Him by who He says is and his character and not on what we are going through. It was a good reminder for me tonight. Jesus is here. His love is real, and no matter where we are or what we are experiencing, He is good. For me his sermon was just a good reminder for something I already know, but sometimes need to be reminded of. But for others it was more than a reminder, it was life giving. I was at the front for prayer ministry after the service. We must have prayed for three different people who were greatly impacted by the sermon, and the Lord was faithful to minister healing and deliverance to each of them. It was a really powerful time of prayer. It was exciting to me to see God use me prophetically with words of knowledge to unlock hearts. He also used me in our Sozo session of Friday night. God is so good. Even in the midst of our healing and becoming whole, He uses us to minister to others. I am just amazed at His grace and love.

So here I am, sitting in my rocker. The cloud is gone; it left during worship. I’m sure it will try to sneak back sometime. Hopefully I will be able to recognize it and deal with it when I realize it’s here. We as believers have mighty tools given to us by Holy Spirit. We just need to learn to use them. We all need to be able to strengthen ourselves in Him. Well, 3AM does come early. I’ll spend the day on the south side of town. After I get off work around 10. I will visit my Dad. Outreach starts at 3 and then class starts at 6. One of my favorite people, Faith Blatchford, will be our speaker at school tomorrow night. It should be a fun day. Life is good, but God is better!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Day 97 - Company for Dinner

Today I worked early. It’s hard getting up at 3AM. But the reward is that work is over around 10:30. That gives me the rest of the day to do whatever I want to do, or need to do. I like the freedom of having a day more than I dislike the early get up. I guess that’s why I put early periods as my first choice. Anyway I was able to get an afternoon run in; clean the house; take the power washer and wash off all the pollen on the deck and screen porch. That was big, it helped me be able to keep the doors and windows opened when the temperature cooled off. So I did get a lot done. I also got to cook dinner. I had taken a couple of steaks out of the freezer and I bought some potatoes, onions and some other good stuff for supper.

Lisa and Jennifer left here in early January. Since then I have been to many other friends houses to eat and hang out, but my house has been empty. I have been alone whenever you were here. That was going to end tonight. I had invited John and Biddie over for dinner. I was going to grill steaks and bake potatoes. Biddie was going to bring a salad. I had gotten chocolate for desert because I knew that someone would eat it. That was the plan. We are going to watch a movie afterwards. Well, plans always change. Biddie got sick and couldn’t come. She either ate something wrong or has a virus. Either way, it’s not what she would want right now. So she wasn’t able to come. John came by himself, and we still enjoyed a great dinner. I’m sure that it was much quieter, but it was still al lot of fun. John brought a salad, which was excellent. I grilled steaks and onions. They were both great. I love to grill, and tonight I did a great job. I also baked potatoes. The meal was great, as was the conversation. But what was really good was to have someone here in the house talking and laughing. I forgot how it sounded almost. It has been me alone her for so long. Just to have out loud conservation was great. And to have a good meal with a good friend and be able to spend time talking and hanging out here wa very good. It was almost like we were breaking through a barrier. This is an area I want to expand. I need to have more people here, in this house. It brings life and it also brings laughter and more joy here. It’s not that there is no joy, it’s just that most of what I do here is silent. Except maybe praising the Lord. So I feel strongly that God wants me to have more of His people come and be entertained.

Julia’s touch is still all over this house, and that’s the way I want it. But I look around and I realize that sooner or later I will have to move some things. I did move all of her clothes out of the closet and downstairs into the basement. But sooner or ater I will need to do something with them. All of her stuff is still in our bathroom under her sink and on the tub. I probably should do something with that too. But not now. Today is not the day. When will be the day? I don’t know. However I feel that I will know when it is time. I don’t want to rush into any decision because that might make me do something prematurely.

On another note, I am so blessed to have friends, friends that I can share anything with. I don’t always need to share, but just knowing I can talk wit John or Bud ant anytime, gives me great freedom and peace. It looks like that I will go to Florida for a couple of days after BASSM graduation. Then I will drive home and go with Lisa to Norfolk to go house hunting. We will be there about three days. Hopefully she will be able to find something that she can enjoy. The big problem with the house is just selling it. It has been shown a number of times and everyone seems to like it. Maybe we can find a buyer soon. If not, she will be forced to rent it.

I think that this is it for the night. I’m very tired, and need to get to sleep. I have to be at work at 9:20 tomorrow morning, so at least I will be able to sleep in a little longer.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Day 96 - God's Love

I’m sitting here in my rocking chair listening to Love Came Down. I’ve been listening to that album since before Julia died. The title song is about God’s love and how it rescued me. Sometimes it is hard to realize this. God loves us. In fact He loves us whether we love Him or not. He came down and rescued us even when we didn’t believe or love Him. So Jesus loves us whether we “accept” Him or not. We are all children of God. It’s just that some of us have come to now and love Him while others, many others don’t even know He exist. So when we want Jesus to come quickly, we are in some way condemning many to an eternal life without Him. He has come to set us free, but we have to make a choice. He gave us that power because He wanted to know that we loved Him too.

As I have said before, Julia and I was both raised Baptist. I honor my heritage. It got me into the scripture and taught me many truths. I was saved when I was nine years old. We were having revival meetings, and I heard about hell and eternal damnation and I wanted to be with Jesus for eternity so I gave my life to Him. I truly think that it was a salvation experience, although there was a period in my life where there was no fruit, and I was not walking closely with Him. I was taught to be good, do good, keep my nose clean and when I died, I would go to heaven. That was pretty much it. This carried me through High School, but I was getting bored in my senior year. There had to be more. I was beginning to wonder where the line was. You know, the line I could go up to while having fun, but not cross. I was taught, “once saved, always saved”. I began to think about having fun. I began to picture Jesus as a lifeguard on the beach. I could swim and go out deep into the ocean because I knew that He would save me if I got into deep trouble. This became my predominate view of Him, and with this view I could pretty much justify doing anything.

It’s no wonder that when I got to Ga Tech, I was in full-blown rebellion of most of my beliefs and upbringing. I partied hard. I was in a Fraternity, and I enjoyed myself. I also managed to almost flunk out of school. But I think that God was watching over me even then. I did avoid the draft and Viet Nam by joining Air Force ROTC. This eventually got me into pilot training. Things weren’t much different there. I would fly and I would party. That was my life. But you know something. God loved me just as much then as He does now. I know that some of you really don’t believe it, but think about it. Who did Jesus die for? For God so loved who? The believers, the Christians? No, He loved the world, all of us whether we loved Him or not. He loved me and had a plan and a destiny for me. I truly believe that I why Julia and I got engaged on the first date and married so quickly. He was protecting me, bringing her into my life in the only way possible. She has often told me that if she knew how I really was, and had seen me at parties that she would have never married me.

God loved me enough to eventually get us to Montgomery where I was able to fly again and then get me my dream job against all odds. He was even drawing us back to Him all the time. We had been watching Christian television on Sunday mornings some. (This is really going to blow some of your minds.) Yes God can even use Christian Television. We were watching Robert Schuller’s Hour of Power. We both liked him, and I liked his messages of hope. I had never heard anything but fire and brimstone messages. Anyway I sent in a contribution and received a necklace back. It was a charm that said “Keep on Believing”. I think I still have it somewhere. Anyway I latched onto that phrase, “Keep on Believing” during the time I was trying to get the job with Delta. In fact I was wearing the charm and praying during the interview process. It’s really amazing to me how God used that in my life. At the same time we began to start attending, irregularly of course, a big Methodist Church close to us. We did it so Jennifer could go to Sunday school. His love was slowly pulling us in. As I look back I can see His handprints on our lives in so many ways.

You see, it’s not about our goodness or how many good deeds we do. It’s not about our ministry and how effective it is. No all it is about is His love for all of us. His unconditional love for us. He is proud of me for all the right decisions I have made, and all that I have done, but His love for me is no bigger now than when I was first born. He loves me so much that He not only died for me, but He allowed Julia to come into my life and remain with me for 38 ½ years. What a blessing His love is.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Day 95 - Positioned for Destiny

Julia and I left Hawaii in 1975. I got off active duty in Travis AFB outside of San Francisco. We picked up our car and started driving across country with Jennifer. Jennifer was 18 months old, and had probably never been in the car more than 45 minutes at a time. Car seats for toddlers were just coming into use. We drove across country 7 -8 hours a day. After the first day Jennifer was screaming every time we put her in the car. Here we were driving back to Georgia. I had no job or any hint of one. We were in the middle of the biggest recession that we have had until now. Dad had almost begged me to stay in the Air Force, but no I didn’t listen to him. As I look back on my life that is one of the times I wish that I had listened. Anyway, we came back to the Atlanta area. Julia got a job teaching at Jonesboro High School. I went back to school on the GI bill and worked construction part time. That was a very hard time for me because I felt that I was letting my family down. We were barely making it on Julia’s salary and with what I was making. I can remember many nights when we didn’t have enough food to eat. We had bought a little house though, and we were surviving. I wish that we had been walking with the Lord then. We weren’t and we had no support system except our immediate family We had Jennifer in day care, and she was constantly getting sick and we were constantly at the doctor. We survived that year. None of the airlines were hiring, and I didn’t know if I would ever fly again. I think that I was in a constant state of depression and I threw myself into school. I made good grades and that was good, but all my confidence in my ability to get a job was gone. We lived for two years like this, in survival mode. I think that this is a time that I developed a poverty spirit. I didn’t have any close friends. Julia and I were very close, but we were both so tired we really didn’t communicate well. I was about to graduate with another engineering degree and started interviewing for jobs. It is hard to interview in a recession. Any confidence that you had is taken away after the third or fourth rejection. Here I was, a pilot, a graduate with two engineering degrees, a former Captain in the Air Force and I couldn’t get a job. The main reason no one would hire me was because I was a pilot. They all felt that when the airlines started hiring, I would be gone. I tried to assure them, and convince myself, that wasn’t true. I don’t think I did a very good job. Deep down I really wanted to fly, and I’m sure it showed somehow. I don’t think that I have ever felt as lonely, but Julia believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. It was probably her strength that pulled me through this process. Finally I got a job. I had two good interviews in the same week. The first was with South Central Bell for a job in Montgomery. I was highly qualified, and really wanted it. They seemed to want me too. The second was with Georgia Power Co in Baxley Ga building a nuclear power plant. I really didn’t like that as much, but they seemed to like me and I desperately needed a job. Bell decided that they couldn’t hire me yet, but said if I was still interested later they might give me a call. Ga Power made me an offer and I accepted. I started work the next week in Baxley Ga.

Now we had a house to sell, and the economy still wasn’t great. Julia and Jennifer stayed in Jonesboro and she continued to teach. I would commute down to Vidalia Ga where I found a house to rent. I would drive home on Friday nights after work. I would get to Jonesboro around 10PM. I would stay all weekend, get up and leave around 3AM on Monday morning and drive straight to work. I did this for 6 months. I now had insurance and we had talked about having another baby. Of course we figured it would take a while for Julia to get pregnant. After all we were both older. Julia never had a problem getting pregnant. I think that she got pregnant very quickly after we started trying to have another baby. About 3 months after she got pregnant, we finally sold the house. I packed up all our possessions and moved she, Jennifer and the future baby down to Vidalia. I had been working with Ga Power for a little over 6 months. I figured we would be in Vidalia for at least another three years as the plant was finished. I was wrong. As soon as Julia got down to Vidalia, South Central Bell called and offered me a job in Montgomery Al. It was a better job, better pay and more room for advancement. It was really a no brainer. I asked Julia if she could handle another move. Being the trooper she was, she said yes. She lived in Vidalia Ga for two weeks when , once again, we packed the U-Haul truck and moved to Montgomery Al.

There we bought a new house and tried to start making a new life. I enjoyed my job. Julia was getting bigger. The big negative was that her pregnancy was know a “pre-existing condition” and wasn’t covered under our insurance. I think it was then that I began to pray for the first time in years. There were other “coincidences” that happened to us in Montgomery. I had been trying to get into an Air Force Reserve unit so that I could fly again. I needed to be flying to be considered with an airline. The problem was that all the reserve units were full because of the recession. Most of the airline pilots who had been laid off were now flying for the reserves. I could not find an opening. I found out that there was a reserve unit at Maxwell AFB flying a small, slow, cargo plane called the C-7. When I was on active duty, I used to look down on anyone who flew this terrible airplane. This time things were different. No longer was I on top, ruling my own destiny. In many ways I had been broken. Now I only wanted to fly, no matter what. I walked into the unit with all my records on afternoon. In another “coincidence” a pilot had resigned that day. It was the first opening that they had had in over four years. I was qualified and I was a local guy. They really wanted to hire pilots who didn’t fly with the airlines someone who would be around during the week to fly. I got the job. It was around April 1977. I hadn’t flown in over 2 years. I was amazed. I was going to fly again. I sort of thanked God. My early upbringing, and Christian background was slowly beginning to come out. Lisa was born in July 1977. I was working 50 hours a week, flying on Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings and going to Graduate school on Tuesday and Thursday nights. I hardly saw Julia, Jennifer or Lisa, but we were living the American Dream. I don’t know if our marriage would have survived if that had continued very long. God had other ideas for us.

It was now April 1978 and the airlines had started hiring again. Delta had been hiring for about 7 months. I was trying to get checked out on the plane, and fly as much as I could. I wanted to apply to all the airlines, but I didn’t have the time or the money to go to many interviews. Delta was really the airline that I had always wanted to fly for. I was 30 years old; I would be 31 at the end of June. None of the airlines were hiring any pilots over 30. I was running out of time. By God’s grace I was able to get an interview in early May. 25 of us interview that day, and 3 were hired. I started class on June 12, 1978. It was 13 days before my 31st birthday. This changed our lives in ways I would have never imagined. God had plans for us, and He made a way for us where there really was no way. Here we were living in Montgomery Al, flying out of Maxwell AFB. I got out of the Air Force primarily because I didn’t want my next assignment. I would have been in Montgomery Al at Maxwell AFB. God does work in mysterious ways. He positioned us to be used by him. We didn’t know it, in fact that was nowhere on our horizon.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Day 94 - God's Peace

I could probably talk about God’s peace and how to rest in it every night and I would still not run out of things to say. Today is a good day. I worked this morning but got home this afternoon around 3:30. I really wanted to run, but cut the grass and sprayed the weeds instead. Tonight was my night off. Nowhere to go, no appointments. A night just to hang out and grill chicken, get caught up on 24 and American Idol. So here I am writing my blog fairly early tonight. It has been a good day. I’ve been resting in the peace and presence of God most of the day. How can we live without His peace. I’ve come to learn that I can hear his voice, but it’s His peace that I follow most. It’s like the cloud by day and the pillar of fire buy night. When I am in His peace I can keep from being caught up in the fear of the present. I can keep myself from being discouraged and depressed. The key to resting in His peace is believing that He is bigger than any of my situations and problems. Remaining in the rest and peace of God is really work. You have to work at keeping from allowing yourself from being caught up in the present situation no matter how bad it is.
I was doing OK until almost the end of 24. (If you are watching and haven’t seen the latest episode don’t read any farther.) When Jack found out that Renee was dead, it stirred up memories of the night with Julia. At once I was there with Jack, feeling His pain, except on a much greater level because we had been married so long. That pain lasted only for an instant. Then I realized that it was only a TV show, and that my loss was real
Each day I have a choice. I can choose to believe my experience, or I can choose to believe what God is doing. Steve and Wendy Backlund said this at school last night:
You have to retrain your brain on purpose. You have to take responsibility for what you believe. By the renewing of your mind, you have to come into alignment. You experience will eventually catch up to your beliefs. You have to take responsibility to make the change. The enemy will use your past as an example for your future. God will use your prophetic destiny to show you your future.

This is so true. If I am going to get to where I need to be in healing and being healed then I have to come into alignment with God’s word, not on what the world thinks you should do, or where you should be at a certain time. I did a stupid thing tonight. I googled “grieving”. Then I looked at steps of grieving. There were 7 step modles, three step models , five step models but the only thing that they had in common was how hard it was and how you would never be the same. I know that I will never be the same, but they made it sound like it would always be substandard. I had to stop reading and rebuke thoughts like that. I know that this is a process. I know that it is hard at times. But I also know that God is with me, and His peace is so strong upon me that I can never be substandard in living. John Wimber once taught healing using the 5 – step healing model. At the time it was the best we knew. Now I am looking for the one step healing model. We have to realize that we move from revelation to revelation, from glory to glory. If you look at church history since after the Bible was written you will see that revelation has been revealed a step at a time, line upon line. Martin Luther’s justification by faith and then later on the baptism in the Holy Spirit. It goes on and on. We are so close to the end and we are seeing God’s Glory revealed in so many ways.

At any rate, where I was going is that I believe that God is giving me a new model of healing. A new model of being set free from grief and pain and loss and all the things that come at once when you lose someone that you love so much. I don’t know if it’s a one step process or a five step process. All I know is that I need to follow His peace, and I will be all right. So I’m not going to read any books on grieving. I don’t care how many steps it takes. I am going after something better. I had something great, but I know that God is the God of the more, so I am going after the MORE!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Day 93 - New Shirts

I went to SteinMart and REI this afternoon. I bought 3 new shirts. That makes 5 shirts I have bought since Julia died. I think that she would like them, I’m not sure though. I know that she would like one of them. It’s a lime green Polo shirt. It matches her favorite color pretty good. It’s really weird going shopping by myself. Julia and I usually went together or she would just buy me something when she was out. I think I always asked her opinion. I never paid attention to certain things when Julia was around. Is it easy to wash? Do I have to iron it? If so, is it easy or hard? All these have become very pertinent questions to ask before I buy something. Right now I have 5 shirts in the Laundry room that need ironing. Yes, I know how to iron, that’s not the problem. The problem is getting the time to iron. So, I have made a conscious decision to try to go with wrinkle free or “Light ironing needed” shirts. That way I can slowly replace all my hard to iron shirts with these. So, I am going to retire 5 of my other shirts. Some of them are pretty old anyway. Julia had wanted me to get rid of some of them, so here goes.
Pants are another matter. I hate wrinkle free pants. I don’t like how the material feels or how they hang. So I will either iron them or take them to the laundry. Probably the laundry if truth be told. But I can wear a pair of pants more than once, so I feel comfortable doing that with them. At any rate I guess with my wardrobe changes I might not be as sharp as I was when Julia was dressing me. That really doesn’t matter since I feel much more comfortable in blue jeans anyway. I’m really not into the “dress to impress” mode anymore. The only person I have wanted to impress these past few years is gone, and I can dress for comfort and freedom.
I really did dress for her most of the time. I would even wear a suit for her if she asked, or gave me a dirty look. I knew when she thought it was required. Sometimes I would dress in something else just to see her look of exasperation before I laughed and changed into what I knew she thought was appropriate. I did get away without socks most of the time though. She knew how much I hated them. Really, the only time O like socks is when it is below freezing and my feet get cold. Any other time I would love to leave them in the sock drawer where they belong. The past few years I had stopped wearing a tie most of the time. That’s another invention that I hate. What good are they? Anyway, I think she was getting soft on me. I would still wear one if she really thought it necessary. I didn’t wear one to her Celebration service. I just couldn’t imagine wearing a tie at RiverStone. I knew she didn’t mind. I did wear a suit and socks. It was very cold that day! I told her that when I die I wanted to be wearing blue jeans in the coffin and at the funeral home play Neil Diamond’s song “Forever in Blue Jeans”. I was serious about the blue jeans. The song was a standing joke between us, but it sounds like a good idea.
It is amazing how many little changes happen. Changes that you weren’t thinking about. They just sort of catch you by surprise. One of the few constants that I have had in the past three months is sitting here at night writing and remembering. I am so blessed. Tonight in school we were talking about declaring and decreeing our destiny. We were talking about adding faith to our words and how we have to keep going after our destiny and don’t look at what we see, but look at what God says about us. My DNA is from the King, and I have a responsibility to re-present Him. I must keep going after the Kingdom until it manifest in front of me. I am His son, joint heir with Jesus. It is my responsibility to preach the Kingdom and sometimes use words. Life is exciting, but I still miss her.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Day 92 - Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Well, its 11PM and I am sitting in my rocking chair in my house writing. This is just as it should be, but for much of the day I could only dream about being back here. They say “Life is and adventure” and I believe it. Well today was definitely an adventure. An adventure in travel and the positives and negatives of flying standby, or as we in the industry call it “Non-Reving.” That stands for Non Revenue travel. In other words we get to fly basically for free if , and it’s a big if these days, there is an empty seat available. There are some basics on Non rev travel. The first is that you should try to avoid travel on Friday, Sunday and Monday if at all possible. These are the three busiest travel days of the week. Normally Friday and Monday are the worst because of business travel. Another rule is to try t avoid school holidays like Spring Break. These are good rules and I try to abide with them when possible. But this weekend it wasn’t possible. I was able to go to Ft Lauderdale on Saturday rather than Friday. But because of school, I needed to come back on Monday. I did think that nost of the Spring Breaks were over, but I guess I was wrong on that. I knew that things didn’t look real good before I even left Atlanta on Saturday, but I had no idea how bad they would become today.
Ft Lauderdale airport is only 15 minutes from Jennifer’s and it is my airport of choice. But if things are bad there I can look at Miami Airport or West Palm Beach Airport. They are about a 45-minute drive south and north of Ft Lauderdale. Yesterday afternoon I started looking at the flights for today. Ft Lauderdale was terrible. Every flight was overbooked. Miami Airport was the same. It didn’t look good. Then I checked West Palm Beach. While it didn’t look good, it looked much better than the other two. So Sean said he would drive me up to West Palm Beach. I wanted to try to get on the 5:45 AM flight. Another rule is if all the flights are tight, the earlier you can get on, the better chance you have. That mean we had to leave their house at 4AM, so we set our alarms accordingly. The drive down was through a thunderstorm but we got to the airport at 4:50. I had plenty of time and things were looking good. Then I got to the gate and saw all the people and I knew it was going to be a long day. I missed the 5:45 flight and four others. The only good news was that there was a Starbucks near the gates and the airport had free WiFi. I was able to keep track of how everything was looking on my laptop. All morning long I knew that I was going to mill the flights. I didn’t come close. In fact I was moving backward on the list. But I still held out hope. The afternoon flights were not quite as bad. In fact I was hoping to get on the 2:30 one. That would still get me back in time for school. All day long I had been at peace. I was declaring that I was going to get home for school. I felt it was God’s will for me to be there, so I figured I would either get on the 2:30 flight or the 4:15 one. Either would get me to school at a reasonable time. The 12:15 flight closed out, and it was well overbooked. It really didn’t look good at all for any of the flights the remainder of the day. I really didn’t want Jennifer or Sean to have to drive back up to take me back to spend the night, but it was beginning to look like there was no other choice. I had walked away form the gate area and was going to find something to eat. I stopped to text people at school to tell them I would probably not be there. While I was texting I saw a couple of the other stand by passengers go up to the gate counter that I had just left. I started to ignore them when I got a nudge to go see what they were doing. It was the Holy Spirit nudging me. I know that now, but really didn’t then. I found out that a new flight had been brought in to Ft Lauderdale and there were 100 empty seats. The agent advised us that we should go to Ft Lauderdale to try and make that flight. We could take a taxi over to the “tri – rail”. That’s like a north south Marta line that runs between West Palm Beach and Miami Airport. She said we had time to get to Ft Lauderdale that way. There were five of us, so we shared a cab and then got to the rail station. The train only ran every hour, and we had to wait about a half hour to get there. It was an hour ride on the train down to the airport. Things were about to get tight time wise. WE got to the Ft Lauderdale Airport stop and had to take another taxi to the airport. We got to the gate around 2:55. Normally boarding would have started at about 3:00, so we were good. But this was anything but normal. There were people everywhere. It looked like the plane had about 80 empty seats, but there were around 110 standby passengers. It seems that people from Miami Airport had come up as well. To make a long story short, I got a seat, and even had an aisle seat. God is good, and I got to Atlanta in time to make it to school. But let me tell you the rest of the story because this is a minor miracle in itself. This plane and crew had done a military charter flight to GITMO in Cuba. They were on their way back from Cuba to Atlanta empty. Abeam Ft Lauderdale they get a message to go to Ft Lauderdale to make up this extra flight. I have been working and flying non rev with Delta for over 30 years. In my whole career I can’t remember the company ever doing something like. For them to divert a flight mainly just to pick up standby passengers; it is unheard of. Remember that I had had a peace all day sensing that it was Gods will that I was at school tonight. Well, as far as I am concerned He manipulated the situation to have Delta bring that plane in and to have me back in Ft Lauderdale to get on it. He is Good, and He does good things for His kids.
School was great and I will talk more about it later. Right now though, I think it’s time for bed. I’ll probably dream of planes, trains and automobiles tonight.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Day 91 - Ice Cream with the Girls

I think it was this year in class that Randall Worley said that the reason we wear watches is because we are dying. He’s right, from the day we are born; we are marching toward a final date with death. This process will continue until King Jesus returns. So we as humans are concerned with time, anniversaries, and various other dates. God on the other hand is not constrained with time and space. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. He is at the beginning of time, and at the end of time. He is not constrained to linear thinking like we are and that totally blows my mind. To think that He knows the beginning and the end, and to think that His desire for us to be sons and daughters rather than slaves so he gives us the opportunity to make our decisions. He knows the end, so he knows we are predestined, but at the same time we have freedom of choice and our decisions matter. So in some ways the Calvinist and the Armenians are both right. At least that’s my humble but accurate opinion.
So where am I going with this, and why did I even bring it up? Well as I was starting to write, I remembered that three months ago today was Julia’s Celebration service. I was thinking that there have been a lot of anniversaries this week. Then I remembered what Randall said and here we are. Someday I won’t be counting the months, maybe just the years. Is that good or bad? I don’t know. If I’m not counting them does that mean I have forgotten her, or does that mean that my heart is healed. I hope it means that my heart is healed, because I never want to forget her. I can close my eyes right now and see her face smiling at me. I always want to be able to do that. I am afraid that I will forget what she looks like, what she feels like. I would rather have the pain than to forget. I can embrace the pain of loss if that is what it takes to keep her memory strong in my heart. I can even be happy in my pain. I know that probably doesn’t make sense. This pain that I have is not really grief. I am not depressed, on the contrary I feel alive. I feel that it is a good thing; it shows me that I am still connected, and missing her greatly. At the same time I can rejoice in God and His goodness. His presence is strong with me at the same time. I know that He knows how I feel, and its OK. It’s a good thing, and I am healing and growing stronger. I see destiny. I seek life and embrace all the change that I am going through. Would I have chosen this path? NO! But now that I am on it I will use it to His glory and allow Him to lead me into all the uncharted waters ahead of me. The best way that I can honor Julia and her life is to press into all that God has for me, and go after the divine justice He has promised.
Today was a lot of fun. We got up and went to church. I missed RiverStone, but it was good. I have learned that I can worship anywhere and I could sense His presence this morning. The sermon was good and thought provoking. After we came home, we grilled chicken and ate outside. It was a good afternoon, watching the Masters and hanging out with the girls. I took Adair and Meleah to get Ice cream and a movie. Jennifer, Sean and I watched the movie, the girls got interested in something else. I got Chocolate for Meleah and Mint chocolate chip for Adair. I ate a little of both. They were both good. We had a good time. The girls are in bed now, and I’m following shortly. We have to drive to West Palm Beach tomorrow. All the flights out of Ft Lauderdale are full. The West palm flights are full, but I have a better chance of getting on. So it’s another 3:15 get up. I don’t care if it takes all day to get home. The visit has been worth it. I have to press in to stay connected with my daughters and granddaughters. It’s part of my responsibility to the next generation.
Tomorrow I have outreach and school. I’m looking forward to both, and I hope I make it back in time. It’s hard to believe I have only three weeks left in school. I don’t know h=what I will do with all the time off. But I have been running pretty hard, so it will probably be a good thing. But in the back of my mind, I don’t see any slowing down, just different activities. Well tomorrow night I will be back at my house sitting in my rocking chair writing this. But it will be late, because I probably won’t be home until around 11PM. I had better get a few hours sleep. It will be a long day tomorrow.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Day 90 - Fun in the Sun

Well 4AM arrived early, but my early rising paid off, and I got on the first flight from Atlanta to Ft Lauderdale. It was a good flight I even got First Class. The good thing about flying on Sat morning is that there are no business travelers flying, so there are not many frequent flyer upgrades. Anyway I slept almost the whole way and Sean picked me up at 9:40. It was really good to see everybody. I have missed seeing them since I flew down for a day last February. It’s hard to believe it had been over a month since I have been down here. The weather was great today. It was partly cloudy today with the temperature in the upper 70’s. I went with Sean to the grocery store, and after lunch we went to the beach. At the beach, Adair and Meleah were playing with a tennis ball and building sand castles and Sean was skim boarding. That’s way too much work for me, but He is good at it. Anyway we were out there for about almost two hours. It’s the first time I have been at the beach since late last September.
Jennifer and I sat and talked mostly about the kids, and her job and the robbery that they had at their house Easter Sunday. I know that it was traumatic for them, and sometime over the weekend, probably tomorrow afternoon I want to pray over them and break off trauma and anything else Holy Spirit shows. They all seem to be doing very well, but I know that there are some things in the Spirit that probably need to be dealt with. The robbers got some stuff, missed other stuff but in any robbery, it’s really more about the invasion of personal space and the fear that brings up rather than what was taken
Tonight we went out to eat and get an ice cream. We then came home and watched a DVD. We saw Sherlock Holms. It was pretty good, I’m sure there will be a sequel. I had heard mixed things about it. Most of the negative stuff was that it wasn’t the traditional Sherlock Holmes, but I liked it. It was a fun movie and I think it will generate enough interest for another. So here I am after the movie. I’m sitting at the dining room table writing while the rest of the family does various things before bedtime. I was just thinking as I began to write tonight. If I miss my daughter so much, and just want the best for her, Sean and the grandkids, I can’t imagine the amount of love Papa God has for us. I wonder how He feels when we ignore him and find time for everything else. Does He long to see us like I long to see my kids? I would think the answer would be yes. Aren’t we made in His image? So if we are made in His image then it makes sense to me that the emotions that I have for my children are similar to those He has for us. So He really does have our best interest at heart. I would never do anything to hurt my kids. I would never do anything to cause them harm. This only makes sense because God is good and He does good things. But how does my spending time with Him work? What does it look like? Is there a set pattern, a formula that works every time? I don’t think so. Just like my time with my children and grandchildren, it varies by the needs of the moment. Sometimes it’s just being close and hugging. Sometimes it is talking about things. Sometimes it is being intentional and working on a project. You get the idea. It doesn’t matter what you do or how you do it. It can be different every time. The thing that matters most is that you do take the time and seek Him as Papa. Allow yourself the joy of sharing with Him, letting Him talk to you; bring you up into His arms and telling you He loves you. It might be in worship, scripture reading, meditation or just beholding his presence. How you do it doesn’t really matter, but doing it does matter. I love it when one of my girls wants to spend time with me. I’m sure He does too.
So here I am, in Ft Lauderdale. Last week it was Mobile. When I’m away from the house it’s like time stands still. I really enjoy being here, at the same time I know that live continues to move. There is no standing still. So I am beginning to learn that I am learning a new balancing act. Most of the time I am caught between two or more worlds. There is Lisa’s world and Jennifer’s world. I definitely want to be a part of both of these worlds. Then there is Delta’s world. There is RiverStone’s world. There is Bethel Atlanta’s world. All these are vying for my time. The key is to learn to live in His world. He is in each of these worlds, and has called me to each. I am learning to begin to look for Him to guide me as I flow in and out of each of these worlds. In reality there is really only one world. My job is to hear Him so well that I flow with the Spirit wherever I am. All these worlds are good. All have demands on my life, but what I can’t do is to let the demands rule me. I have to be led by Holy Spirit and be sensitive to the needs of each, but ultimately be led by Him. This is hard at first, but I think that I am getting the hand of it. The thing is sometimes this means not doing what I really want to do, but doing what He says I need to do. This is not new. I’ve been trying to do this for years, but now the territory has shifted some and I must be careful to adjust according to His will, not the needs of the different areas. Well tomorrow looks to be a great day. I really want to spend some alone time with Papa tonight as I lay down. I hope I don’t fall asleep too soon.