Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Day 101 - The Other Shoe

In life it’s not the expected that knocks you of course. It’s the unexpected. As a pilot, we deal with threats all the time. We brief how we will mitigate all the expected threats. For example there is mountainous terrain in the area. We talk about what is the minimum safe altitude so if we have too we climb to that altitude and know that we won’t hit any mountains. We also cover how to do certain emergencies in case we have them. In other words we plan ahead and prepare for contingencies. We normally can take care of these pretty good. It’s those unplanned “Popup” emergencies that normally give crews problems. The same thing happens in life. You think you are doing good, you have covered your bases and then all of a sudden, POW! You are blindsided.

Today I was blindsided. Not by anything that was surprising, but by something that came about earlier than I expected. When Julia died, it was so fast that even the doctors were wondering if there was some other reason. They were unable to identify any infection in the short time that she lived. So it was natural that the hospital requested to the coroner that an autopsy be performed. I was in perfect agreement. I just couldn’t, and still can’t, understand how someone so healthy could die so quickly. Well, in real life CSI doesn’t work like it does on TV. It has taken over three months to get all the results back. So that meant no death certificate until it was complete. So I have not been able to take care of any of Julia’s affairs or close out accounts. In other words, there are things in the air that need to be taken care of and have not been dealt with. In some ways it’s like the old pair of shoes. You heard one drop, and you are waiting for the other one. On Monday I called the Coroner’s office to ask about how everything was proceeding. I found out that they had all the final results and I would soon get the death certificate. I asked if I could get a copy of the autopsy and they said that I could. I figured that I would get it next week. I was surprised to get a call this morning saying it was ready. On my way home from work this morning I sopped by the funeral home and picked it up. Going into the funeral home didn’t bother me, but when I came out I got in the car and read the death certificate. A heaviness came on me. Not too bad, I could handle it. I was really on a mission. I wanted to get the autopsy and see how they came to the conclusion. I went home, changed clothes and then went to Hiram to get the report. I found the office, went in, and they gave me the report. I went out tot the car to leave. I had the autopsy and the death certificates in my hand. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. It took me by total surprise. It felt just like it did 101 days ago. As I read the report it was like seeing her die all over. I was almost overwhelmed. If I had allowed myself to go there it would have been like bungee jumper jumping without the rope. I could have crashed and burned emotionally right there in the car. But I didn’t. What I did do was get in the car and drive home. Instead of focusing on my loss and that day, I made myself focus on our love, and how grateful I am to have had her for so long. Then as I got better, I called a couple of friends and made plans to go see them when I got home.

I couldn’t believe it. Last night I was wondering what the next 100 days would bring, and on day 101 it was hitting me like day 1. I knew what I had to do. I had to practice what I had written about last night. I needed to worship, and worship radically. I came in and put on a loud, fast worship song and began to worship God. Praising Him and giving Him glory. I didn’t worship to long because I went over to a friends house. Then I went to the Y to work out. I have been fine the rest of the day. I guess what I am learning is that at anytime something can trigger deep emotions. I need to release these emotions, not keep them pent up. But when you bungee jump, you better have a rope on. I will release these emotions, but there are times when it would be too deep and too far. I have to allow Holy Spirit to help me realize when to allow the grief and when to stop it. But in the midst of it all, worship and praise continues to take me into new places.

So today, the other shoe fell. Day 101 had the potential to be like Day 1, but it wasn’t. Warfare is interesting. The sneak attacks tend to do the most damage, but if you have prepared yourself in the Spirit, you can overcome. Today I am an over comer. You know what? I plan on being an over comer tomorrow too!

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