Sunday, April 11, 2010

Day 91 - Ice Cream with the Girls

I think it was this year in class that Randall Worley said that the reason we wear watches is because we are dying. He’s right, from the day we are born; we are marching toward a final date with death. This process will continue until King Jesus returns. So we as humans are concerned with time, anniversaries, and various other dates. God on the other hand is not constrained with time and space. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. He is at the beginning of time, and at the end of time. He is not constrained to linear thinking like we are and that totally blows my mind. To think that He knows the beginning and the end, and to think that His desire for us to be sons and daughters rather than slaves so he gives us the opportunity to make our decisions. He knows the end, so he knows we are predestined, but at the same time we have freedom of choice and our decisions matter. So in some ways the Calvinist and the Armenians are both right. At least that’s my humble but accurate opinion.
So where am I going with this, and why did I even bring it up? Well as I was starting to write, I remembered that three months ago today was Julia’s Celebration service. I was thinking that there have been a lot of anniversaries this week. Then I remembered what Randall said and here we are. Someday I won’t be counting the months, maybe just the years. Is that good or bad? I don’t know. If I’m not counting them does that mean I have forgotten her, or does that mean that my heart is healed. I hope it means that my heart is healed, because I never want to forget her. I can close my eyes right now and see her face smiling at me. I always want to be able to do that. I am afraid that I will forget what she looks like, what she feels like. I would rather have the pain than to forget. I can embrace the pain of loss if that is what it takes to keep her memory strong in my heart. I can even be happy in my pain. I know that probably doesn’t make sense. This pain that I have is not really grief. I am not depressed, on the contrary I feel alive. I feel that it is a good thing; it shows me that I am still connected, and missing her greatly. At the same time I can rejoice in God and His goodness. His presence is strong with me at the same time. I know that He knows how I feel, and its OK. It’s a good thing, and I am healing and growing stronger. I see destiny. I seek life and embrace all the change that I am going through. Would I have chosen this path? NO! But now that I am on it I will use it to His glory and allow Him to lead me into all the uncharted waters ahead of me. The best way that I can honor Julia and her life is to press into all that God has for me, and go after the divine justice He has promised.
Today was a lot of fun. We got up and went to church. I missed RiverStone, but it was good. I have learned that I can worship anywhere and I could sense His presence this morning. The sermon was good and thought provoking. After we came home, we grilled chicken and ate outside. It was a good afternoon, watching the Masters and hanging out with the girls. I took Adair and Meleah to get Ice cream and a movie. Jennifer, Sean and I watched the movie, the girls got interested in something else. I got Chocolate for Meleah and Mint chocolate chip for Adair. I ate a little of both. They were both good. We had a good time. The girls are in bed now, and I’m following shortly. We have to drive to West Palm Beach tomorrow. All the flights out of Ft Lauderdale are full. The West palm flights are full, but I have a better chance of getting on. So it’s another 3:15 get up. I don’t care if it takes all day to get home. The visit has been worth it. I have to press in to stay connected with my daughters and granddaughters. It’s part of my responsibility to the next generation.
Tomorrow I have outreach and school. I’m looking forward to both, and I hope I make it back in time. It’s hard to believe I have only three weeks left in school. I don’t know h=what I will do with all the time off. But I have been running pretty hard, so it will probably be a good thing. But in the back of my mind, I don’t see any slowing down, just different activities. Well tomorrow night I will be back at my house sitting in my rocking chair writing this. But it will be late, because I probably won’t be home until around 11PM. I had better get a few hours sleep. It will be a long day tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. I can still hear her voice saying "hello Michelle, it's Julia" and I hope I don't lose that.