Last night as I went to bed, I allowed myself the freedom to take that bungee jump. But I had a strong tether wrapped around me to keep me from crashing. That tether was the presence of the Holy Spirit and the love and goodness of the Father. I grieved deeply, with groans and tears for a little while, and then refocused on God’s love for me, and all the blessings that I am so thankful for. In only a couple of minutes after deep grief, I was wrapped in the presence of God and went peacefully to sleep. I really don’t think that I am different from anyone else. I just think that I am being given a glimpse of how my Father wants me to grieve and receive healing. I don’t want to be presumptuous to say this is the way everyone should grieve. But at the same time I feel that He has allowed me to move into an area of freedom and healing that is available to all believers if only they would choose it. So what is God giving me that allow me to do this? As I meditate on this and ask Him, I am getting a few things. I know there are more, but I just want to focus on a few tonight.
First, I believe that He has given me the ability to put all the questions that I have about Julia’s death away. While I might think about them periodically, I don’t dwell on them, and I don’t keep asking Him why. The reality is that I totally believe in His goodness and His desire for my best. If I didn’t believe in His goodness, believe to the point that it doesn’t even enter my mind that He caused this. If I didn’t believe that, then I could never release the questions. I know some people say that God is good, but they still think that He manipulates things to cause suffering for our good. You see it’s how you define goodness that determines what you really believe. Bill Johnson said that the next battle in the Church at large would be over the Goodness of God. I believe this to be true. I can see it beginning to take shape. I believe God would never do something that if I did it to my kids I would be arrested for. So the total goodness of God allows me to lay the questions down.
Secondly, I believe that He as taught me over the years how to enter His presence and obtain rest. You might call me a mystic. I don’t think that I am one. I would like to be, but I don’t think I’m there yet. However I have learned to be able to move into the presence of Jesus, Father or Holy Spirit and to be able to discern the difference between them most of the time. I think my time in Sozo training, and having a few sozos myself has been instrumental in this. Also spending time under the teaching and instruction of Judy Franklin has helped a lot. I am a very visual person, and I see pictures all the time. I believe I am just now beginning to move into being able to see more in the Spirit, but I can surly feel and sense God’s presence, and I have learned how to move into it almost at will. I truly believe that anyone who is a believer can do this. It just takes practice, and a commitment to continue to try until it happens. I think that Father God loves it when we seek Him out, just like I love it when my daughters of granddaughters crawl up into my lap. So we need to keep pressing into the presence. We can do that through worship, soaking, meditating on scriptures or any number of other ways. The key is just making time to do it.
The last one I want to talk about tonight is not allowing ourselves to dive into self pity. It is very tempting and easy to do. All we have to do is dwell on our loss, our pain, our loneliness. That is bungee jumping without a rope or tether, and it is deadly. If we allow ourselves dwell there we will wind up in depression and despair. We will feel alone and abandoned. We will be wondering where God is, rather than resting in His presence. No, we can’t allow ourselves to dwell there. We all have these thoughts. They are like fiery darts that the enemy sends to see if they can stick. We have to release them and choose to believe in God and His Goodness. That’s where it all begins. When these thoughts come, don’t follow them. Embrace the goodness of God and be tethered to the Holy Spirit. Then and only then can you safely bungee jump into the deep pool of grief. We need to grieve; we just need to be tethered to the truth, the truth of who God is and how much He loves us.
So last night I went bungee jumping into the pool of grief. But the Holy Spirit pulled me right out of that pool, just like the cord tied around the leg of someone jumping off a bridge in the natural. It was safe, and profitable. Tonight things are well with my soul and I don’t think I will have to go there.