Monday, November 22, 2010

Day 316 - She's Not There

Today I went to the cemetery where Julia’s body is buried. It was a beautiful day and I wanted to ride my Harley so I decided to ride it down into Marietta to the cemetery and check out the marker on Julia’s grave. It was placed a couple of weeks ago but I haven’t had time to go buy there and see it. So, I rode down the back roads bu Kennesaw Mountain. It was a beautiful fun ride and when I came to the cemetery, I parked outside. It just didn’t feel right riding up to Julia’s grave on my motorcycle, plus it’s very loud and I just thought all the dead might have a hard time with the nise. : > ) Seriously I did park outside and walk because it was so beautiful and I really didn’t know exactly where the grave was. The last time I had come out I didn’t find it. But I did find it fairly easily this time. It helps when it has a name on it.

The marker looks nice, they did a good job except for one thing: they didn’t put the right things on it. They made it from my first revision, not the second. Otherwise it looks great. I came home and checked my email and I am right. I’ve contacted them and I am sure they will make it right. I know it will be replaced, but it will probably take about six weeks. It’s OK, a marker is there for other’s to find if they want to stop by. That’s good, with her birthday and Christmas coming up. I’ll go back to check it out when it is replaced. But I don’t know how many times I will go back after that.

When I came today, I didn’t know what to expect with my emotions. I didn’t know if I would be drawn to her grave, if I would want to stay and talk with her or what I would feel. You see, until now, graves haven’t meant too much to me. They have never brought out emotions. I am a very emotional guy, I cry at movies and sometimes at weddings. But nothing about a cemetery and a grave have ever pulled at my emotions. So I was wondering if today would be different. I really hoped it would. In some ways, I wanted to get closer to her and maybe this would be the place. It didn’t.

She’s not there. The cemetery is like any other place. It’s where her body is, and it has a marker noting that she was loved. But she is not there, and nothing about the cemetery attracted any emotion from me today. I don’t know whether that is good or bad. But that’s the way it is. I feel much more connected to her here at the house, or at RiverStone. I feel attached to her when I drive down Stilesboro next to Button Hill. That was our place, our life. The cemetery is nice and quiet, but it will not be a place that I will go very often. There is not much for me there.

The ride back to the house was just as much fun. I was able to get a run in afterward, so it was a good day. I went to my Chiropractor/Nutritionist today. I was just talking with him. I’ve done very good in pretty much all areas. The main area that I have not done good in without Julia is in my eating and taking my supplements. She was my support, and kept me on a good diet, encouraging me to go after divine health and long life. Since she has been gone that area is the one that has gone downhill the most. I still eat probably better than most people, but I can tell a difference. I think the time has come to take control of this area too. However it is Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I will enjoy the holidays with the kids. But I will take control. She would want me too.

Tonight I’m listening to the new Jesus Culture album “Come take me away” it is very good, and I think it might become a new favorite for a while. “ I want to know You, Let Your Spirit overwhelm me, let our presence overtake my heart”. That was a verse to one of the songs. It’s going to be good. Well, it’s an early get up for work in the morning, so I think I will go to bed early tonight.

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