It is just almost impossible to believe that it’s been 300 days since Julia’s celebration service. It’s even harder to believe that I have been writing this blog every day since. When I felt the Lord tell me to write this on the day before her service, I thought to myself that there is no way that I can do that. What can I say, where does it go after the first week? At that time I had no idea what I would say, or how hard it would be, or how easy it would be.
I didn’t realize that many nights I would be fine until I started writing and then I would just lose it. I also didn’t realize that many nights when I was just so lonely and hurting that writing about her and our relationship would bring such peace. So, where am I here at the 300-day mark? We are drawing close to the end of a full year, where will I be then? Tonight as I once again sit by the fire in my rocking chair, listening to Love Came Down, I feel that I should do some evaluation of what has happened, and what needs to happen.
I guess the first thing to say is that I still love and miss Julia very much. Not a day passes that I don’t find myself thinking about her and how much I loved her. I think about what we had, and I miss her presence. But just as important is the fact that I am moving on. I am living life, and living it to the fullest. I know that is what she would have wanted for me. I am involved in ministry in so many levels, and my intimacy with Papa, Jesus and Holy Spirit is stronger than it has ever been. I am learning who I am in Christ, and as I learn more and more about His goodness, I grow stronger in the Spirit. I know that I carry the Presence of the Kingdom wherever I go, and that I don’t have to fear anything. These are all positives and I am so grateful to Him for giving me the grace and strength to press on into my destiny.
Although I am still working out what that Destiny is, I do see Holy Spirit moving pieces like a chess game. He is rearranging my life and the priorities of ministry. I can’t accomplish a new destiny by doing the same things, and as my focus shifts, some things that are dear to me have to be left behind. Julia and I were walking in our destiny. Everything we both did was a part of it. Now, as I shift into a new destiny it makes sense that things will change. I believe that Holy Spirit has shown me some of the changes, but others will follow in the coming months, and they are not in focus yet. I just know that they are there. Priorities might change, but my love for all my friends will never change. Friendship is something that should last a lifetime. I have learned that over the years, so no matter what I do, I will never stop loving my friends. But sometimes seasons do change, and the places where we meet and hang out might shift over the years, but the friendships will remain.
I have healed in many, many ways. I truly believe that this blog, and my firm belief in the goodness of God, along with the support of friends and family have helped me to heal much faster than most who are in my situation. But I know that the healing is still going on, and these next two months are critical in the healing process. I have to embrace everything they will bring: Thanksgiving; Julia’s birthday, Sean, Jennifer’s and Anna Roan’s birthdays and then Christmas. I have to embrace the smiles and the tears, the joy and the sorrow, the bitter and the sweet. It is so important that we as a family allow each other to grieve and also to laugh and have joy. Neither one is the only way; we will need both to get through these next days.
How can I fail? I can’t, Papa won’t let me. He has already shown me that the way to healing is to embrace all that we had, but to move forward toward the new. Like I said before, it’s all about change and no matter what happens to me, I can’t fail as long as I stay in His arms. This is my job, to model this to my girls and to all those who know me. This is the Kingdom way, and I am a releaser of His Kingdom. So, I do look forward to the next 65 days of mystery and purpose that He has for me. I think I will be alright.