Friday, November 12, 2010

Day 306 - Planting Pansies

Well, here I am again sitting by the fire listening to love came down. I haven’t listened to it for a few days, but today was a different kind of day. In many ways it was a really good day, but there were a couple of times during the day when a level of grief snuck up on me that I wasn’t expecting. I’ll try to explain the reasons I think it occurred. But no matter, as I sit here tonight, I do know that God loves me, and that I have good friends and family. I know that even when I feel alone, I’m not alone. Those are the facts, and I will focus on them and not on some feelings that come and go like the wind.

Today was really a beautiful day, and I had a lot to get done. I had bought something through Amazon that didn’t work right, so I have been meaning to take it back, so this morning I finally got to the post office over at Brookstone. After that I went to Home Depot. I needed some light bulbs to replace some on the bathroom and I needed to by some pansies. It’s late fall, and frost has already come. This is the time that Julia and I would go and pick out the color of pansies that we wanted to plant for the winter. We both loved pansies. Give them a little fertilizer and sunlight and they would thrive. They bring color into a drab winter world. They normally last well into the spring so they are the perfect flower to plant in the areas of your yard that you like to highlight.

Normally, I would pull the old plants up and Julia would get the soil ready. Then we would go to Home Depot. I’m partial to bright yellow and bright blue. That’s what I planted this year. Julia was usually more partial to some of the pastel colors. Some years we would do the yellow and blue, but normally it would be a yellow and maybe a rust or peach color. I didn’t mind, my goal when working in the yard was to make her happy. I don’t really like yard work. OK, I know that I have said that before, but it’s true. So anytime I was working in the yard it was to either be with her as she worked, or to please her. I guess it’s the same noe. I just want to keep the yard up because she would want me to and because the HOA would get mad if I left the yard a mess.

So I got the pansies, and then I planted them in the front. I figured that I would have more than enough, so I was going to plant the rest in the back yard near the patio. I went back and I prepared the soil and planted them. As I was planting the ones in the back I began to get such a longing for her. It was like she should have been there with me, but she wasn’t. After I planted the ones in the back I sat down in one of the chairs on the patio and began to reflect. I don’t know whether that was a good idea or not. The next minute I was almost overwhelmed with grief. Not the piercing hurting kind, but the slow drowning kind. The kind where it just seems to get worse and worse, but you know that you could stop it. But you really don’t want to stop it. So as tears rolled down my cheeks, I realized why I hated yard work more now than I did when Julia was alive. Now, I am alone doing it and it just magnifies the fact that she is not here. If she were here, she would be out here with me. Once again I had to release the fact that she is not coming back to me in this life. Once again, I didn’t want to go there. But I had no choice.

The rest of the day was pretty good. I did get an hour long run in after the planting. Tonight I went to dinner with John, Biddie, Bud and Cathy. We went to Aspens, and we used the gift card that the Sozo team had given Julia and I for Christmas. It was a lot of fun, but in some ways bittersweet too. Sometimes I find myself with nothing to say. That’s not like me, normally I do have plenty to say. But lately sometimes I find myself alone in the midst of friends. I know it’s not right, it’s rude and I don’t want to do it. I’m not really thinking about Julia. I think it’s like a pause button. I’m going constantly and when I am with my closest friends is the only time I can hit the pause button. But it’s not right and I need to not do that, or at least explain it. But how do you explain to someone something that you can’t explain to yourself?

Anyway, overall it was a good day, and it was really fun to have dinner with good friends. I work tomorrow at 1PM. I think I will ride the Harley in the morning. I want to go into Marietta and see Julia’s grave marker. It’s up and I haven’t seen it yet. It should be a nice sunny day. A good day to ride.

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