Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Day 199 - So Little Time

One more 3AM wake up. That will be four in a row. I do like working early periods because it allows me to do other things the rest of the day. But four in a row is hard. I can remember thirty years ago when I wouldn’t be so tired. Sometimes my mind keeps scheduling my body to do things like I did thirty years ago, but I guess that might not be a good thing. The thing is, I don’t want to slow down. I want to keep pace and do everything that there is to do. I think that I had rather explode than slow down. I know that some day I will have to, but today is not that day. Anyway, I will go to bed as early as I can.

I did get to the Y to run and work out this afternoon. That was great and I feel so much better having been. I grilled out and had a salad for dinner, and then I tried to watch a little TV, but kept falling asleep. Not those who know me well would be the first to say that is not hard to do. After all, I have a sister who has narcolepsy, and I have always had trouble staying awake when I was sitting still. Of course I have never been diagnosed with it, I would probably have not been able to fly if I had. Anyway I think it was because I was tired that I feel asleep tonight. I woke up and felt like I had better get this blog done, or it might not get done.

I am getting excited. Next week we leave for Damascus Virginia for our biking trip. I know that it will bring back a lot of memories, because this time last year, Julia and I both were together in this trip. It is hard to believe that she is gone sometimes. There are moments when I think she is about to come around the corner. I felt that early on, but it is different now. Now I don’t get sad when I realize she is not. Instead I smile and laugh. I usually talk to her and say, “I sure wish you could”. That is why I think that I have reached a new level of healing. I missed her during the move especially. I really missed her when I had the granddaughters by myself all day. But there was no pain, no anger, and no regret. There were only good memories of what it was like when she was with me.

I am no longer worried about forgetting her. How could I ever forget the woman that I loved and lived with for over 38 years? She will always have such a big and special place in my heart. I guess the only real issue I am still dealing with is just missing her. I miss her wise counsel and even her chiding me about certain things that I do that she didn’t think that I should do. I miss not having her beside me in the bed. I miss her not being home when I come, or asleep when I leave in the morning. Growing old alone is not going to be fun, but growing old together might not have been fun either. There is something about growing old at all that doesn’t seem fun. I know that in 20 years I will probably be old : > ) I know that growing old slips up on you and takes you by surprise.

But I have so much I still want to do, and so many places I want to go. Right now I don’t have time to grow old. I guess it will just have to happen. I do know this: I am not the type to sit around and do nothing. I have to be involved. I really want to be involved in ministry. I was talking with Peter, my friend who is in Russia, today. He called and we were talking. He felt that he had a word for me. The word was that I was about to be launched into a new phase of ministry that would last for the next 20 years. I receive that word, and declare it to be true. Twenty years of active, fruitful, productive ministry. That is what I am asking for and declaring. Then I just want to leave in an instant, just like Julia. Well, I’ve written much more than I thought that I would. It’s amazing to me that I can start out with nothing to say and yet Holy Spirit gives me something if I continue to write. Well, it’s off to bed for my last early wake up for a while.

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