Friday, July 16, 2010

Day 187 - By Myself, Again

Last night’s drive was uneventful;. It’s always good when a 600 mile drive is uneventful. I started at 8PM and entered my house at 6:30AM. I stopped at 3AM for an hour nap. It was relatively easy with out much traffic. The good news is that I was less sleepy than I would have been if I were driving it during the daytime. Back when I was flying from Atlanta to Hawaii and back, we were always happy if we landed back in Atlanta before the sun came up. Well I got to my house before the sun came up, and it felt good. Maybe I am weird, but after flying all those all night flights during my career, I find it much easier to drove all night than drive all day. Anyway, I am home, and it feels good.

The house is quiet and clean. I have spent most of the day washing and folding sheets from all the beds. After two weeks with at least two grandchildren (sometimes four) and two dogs, it really is quiet. It’s time to get back to my “normal” what ever than is. I do know that my “normal” has become living alone doing what I want to do at night. School will start back soon, and that normal will change again. I guess the thing is, I am learning to be by myself. I don’t consider myself to be alone; I’m not. However, I am by myself, and that’s OK.

Lisa and Jennifer are slowly settling in to their new places. I’ll try to go and see both of them in August if possible. I really have only two months until things get real busy again. Not that things haven’t been busy over the past three weeks. Sometimes I feel like my life is a whirlwind. As I look back on this past month, all the travel and helping Lisa move. All the kids were here, and going to camp twice to take Adair, driving back and forth between Mobile and Norfolk. I get tired just thinking about it all. But what is causing me so much concern tonight is that I feel that Julia is slipping away from me. I still have her memories, and I know I always will have most of them. But until now, her presence was just so strong. I think I have sensed this before. There is becoming more and more distance between us. I guess time does that. There is no pain, and although there is still that empty place, it is not as big. I don’t want it to fill in. I want it to stay so I can feel her in it, even though she is not. But It is getting smaller. I guess that should be a good thing. It’s like an open wound; the body begins to heal itself by closing it with skin and making it smaller until it is totally healed with a little scar. I know in my spirit, that that is happening on one level. I’m sure that is good, and it is God’s plan. It’s just that the pain and loss have been my deepest connection to her. I really don’t want to lose that connection. I had rather keep the pain and sense of loss. Is this wrong? I don’t know the answer to that.

Yes I do, I talked about it last night. It is change. My heart doesn’t want this change, but I know that in my Spirit I have to embrace it. This change is what is designed to happen. It is good in the long run. But it doesn’t feel good right now. Now I find myself having to stop and focus on an aspect of her in order to bring her totally back into my focus. I hope that ability doesn’t leave me as well. It scares me a little, because I think of my mom. She has been dead for fourteen years and as much as I loved her, there is so little that comes to memory without me stopping to focus on her. I don’t want to lose what I have with Julia.

But wounds do heal, even emotional wounds. God is good, and His mercies endure forever. I have to trust that He will keep Julia in my heart and as close as she needs to be. I have to submit to this healing process in order to move on to what I have been called to do. There is so much that I want to do, and so little time left in which to do it. I am asking Papa to multiply my time and direct all my efforts so that they will be more effective for the Kingdom. So I acknowledge the fact that I am being healed and I want to continue to be healed, however that looks.

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