Sunday, July 11, 2010

Day 182 - Happy Anniversary

I am listening to the song “Love Came down” for the fourth time, and I still don’t know where to begin tonight. Here I am in a hotel room outside of Norfolk VA. I drove from about 10:30 last night until about 4:30 AM. Then we stopped at a rest stop for about an hour and a half. We picked up Lisa and the girls at 11AM. Sp here I am. I think that I have gotten a total of 4 ours sleep, at the most in the past 36 hours. Tow of those was a nap this afternoon at the hotel. So I’m sure I will sleep well tonight. But that’s not the focus of tonight’s blog.

It’s hard to believe that Julia and I would have been married 39 years today. On July 11, 1971 in East Point GA, we got married. Last year we were talking about taking a trip on our 39th. Little did I realize that the trip would be to Norfolk VA and it would be without Julia. But as much as I would like to romanticize this day, I know deep down that if Julia were here. This is where we would be, helping Lisa move. She would have been our primary focus, so I know that this is where we are. But that doesn’t stop me from missing her so much I miss her and how much she loved me, but I also miss her for how much she loved the kids. That is why we would still be right here if she was alive.

I can’t even describe how much I have missed her over the past six months. I’ve missed her on so many levels. It’s just that 39 years is a long time, and there are so many things that tied us together. I was thinking about her as I was driving early this morning. I was thinking about her laugh, I can see her blue eyes sparkling as she laughed. Her friendship can never be replaced. I don’t know how people get involved and married again. I know that they do, especially men. My dad remarried after my mom died, and He loves Allene, but I know that he also still carries Mom with him in his heart. Right now my focus is still on Julia. That may change someday, but not right now, and I really am not sure how it could change in the future. Her absence from me at times is much worse than others. Tonight I really needed her. We survived, but I missed her so. I just don’t know hut we will survive without her, yet I know that we will, and that as we press into Papa’s presence he will provide. It’s just that there is such a hole in our whole family. It’s not just about me, sure it’s my blog, but it’s about the loss that all of us have. It’s the loss of a Nana to Adair, Meleah, Anna and Julia. It’s the loss of a mother to Jennifer and Lisa. Not only a mother, but a mentor and a support in their goals and desires. I miss her so much as a wife and course, a friend. But, even in the midst of crisis’ where I know she would be a great help in, I can truly rest on Papa’s goodness.

That’s all for tonight. I keep falling asleep as I think between sentences. I hope this makes sense. So, Happy Anniversary Julia Just because you are not here, it doesn’t stop me from celebrating all the wonderful times that we had.

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