You know I see so many of the same things and the same people that I saw before Julia’s death. They were our friends, and they are my friends, I love them all, but sometimes it seems like I see them through different eyes. This is not a bad thing, and means nothing negative. It’s just I see them as if Julia were there, and then I see them knowing she is not there. Tonight Russell had dinner with Amanda and Jeff. It was a great time, and I have missed seeing them. But holding Tessie, their 4 month old, I was just seeing her as if Julia were holding her, because she would have been if she were here. I know that there is so much left unsaid because Julia is not there to say it. I know how much she loved Amanda, and was so excited for the baby. I know how we prayed together with them over Tessie, and her absence was felt strongly by me tonight. Yes, we had a good time, but she was still missed.
It was the same at lunch today. I could almost see everything through her eyes and then through mine. There was just so much left unsaid because she wasn’t there to say it. Some days it is so easy to miss her while other days just seem to go buy without really thinking about her as much. I know that this is probably normal, and it’s OK. But it certainly is different. I can just sit around the table with other friends, and feel her absence. It’s not painful except in the fact that I miss what she would add to the conversation. I miss her wisdom and her passion. I miss the fire in her eyes when she would get on “a mission”. I even miss her nudge or kick when she thought that I was doing something wrong. Well, maybe I don’t miss that as much.
Anyway sometimes I need to see through totally different eyes. I am so used to seeing things through her eyes as well as my eyes that it is hard not to have that option. The thing is, I can see that others miss that too. I can see the loss that others fell by her absence. That really emphasizes my loss as well. It’s OK, because they have suffered a loss. We all suffered a loss. She is gone, and any wisdom she would share must come from others now. I can’t succumb to the pressure of trying to make up that wisdom. Unless God gives it to me, I don’t have anything to give. I can’t make it up.
So I try to look through different eyes, eyes that wouldn’t attempt to see what she sees or to say what she says. That’s not my job. I want to be able to look at everything through the eyes of the Spirit. I desire to see things as Holy Spirit sees them. Only then will I be able to give the true wisdom and direction that I know He wants me to give. So I guess that my prayer tonight is that Holy Spirit would give me His eyes to see, and that I would stop trying to look through old eyes. I can’t look at things through the eyes of “the way they used to be”. Once again, change happens. How many times have I said, “Change is inevitable”? Well it is, but I wasn’t thinking about change like this.
The good news is that change is occurring. I am being healed, and I am adjusting. The “Grace Bubble” that surrounds me has continued to surround me and let me heal. I know that the prayers of the saints, and all the ministering Angels have helped sustain me in His grace, and that my healing and pregress is a testimony to His goodness. So I do give Him honor and glory. I thank Him for his mercies and I look toward His total healing for my girls and me.
It’s another short night tonight, so I guess I had better sign off for tonight. I thank Him for the eyes of the Holy Spirit that He is giving me. Goodnight.