Day 179 - Six Months

Today is July 8th, it was six months ago tonight that Julia went to be with the Lord. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. Sometimes it’s still hard to believe that she is gone. I almost sense her about to come out of the bedroom, or come around the corner. And yet, time continues to push forward. There is no stopping time. God is the only one who can move in and out of time at will. After all, He is the beginning and the end. So as humans we are stuck in a linear progression from birth till death. I’ve heard it said many times; that from the day we are born, we are dying. It’s probably true but it seems to morbid. I know I will die, shoot; I don’t want to live forever. But I want to continue to expand, to make a bigger footprint on this world for as long as I can. How long that is, only God knows and ironically only time will tell. Anyway, it just seems like yesterday. They say, whoever “they” are, that time flies when you are having fun. I say Time flies. It doesn’t matter what you are doing time flies.

So, the big question is how am I doing now, six months after Julia’s sudden death. I guess tonight is a night to begin to take inventory and reflect on what my life is like now, and how changes have occurred and affected me. This will probably take more than one night, so I will try to organize my thoughts a little bit. So where do I start. Well, I am living, which is much more than surviving. I think part of that living is learning to understand the fact that I will always miss her. She will always be a big part of me and who I am. That missing is taken on different forms over the past six months. It started as an unbearable almost uncontrollable pain. It was a pain that would reach deep into my soul. It was like the Indiana Jones movie where the guy reached his hand into a guys chest and pulled out his living heart. The heart was still beating in his hand as the guy that had it taken out was screaming until he fell over lifeless dear. That’s how I felt, except I couldn’t die. The pain was so strong that all I could do was cry out to Papa and let Him wrap his arms around me and tell me it would be all right. I couldn’t talk about the pain, because I refused to focus on it. It would come, and I would embrace it and explore it’s depths and then focus on the Goodness of God.

A friend asked me how God had prepared me for this. I immediately told her that He had shown me His goodness. Over the past four years I had been focusing on His love and goodness. I had been learning to commune with Him and meditate on His word. He had showed me who I am in Him, that I have a destiny and a calling, and that I don’t have to accept this horrible event. That I could go after Divine Justice. He had taught me about His Kingdom and how when it invades our atmosphere, things change. He had taught me to not run away from reality, but to press into His love for grace, the grace to endure. These things were all in my spirit, like little seeds. My deep loss of Julia was in many ways the fertilizer that has caused all these truths to grow in me. I am not the man I was six months ago, how could I be? But I’m not bitter or angry. I’m not mad at God; on the contrary, I’m more in love with Him than ever. I really don’t know how to say this because I’m not sure that I understand it. But I feel heavier, not in physical weight, but in Spiritual weight. Bill Johnson says that if you continue to push against that 1000-pound boulder in the Spirit you might not move it. But it sure will make it much easier to move the 500 pound one. I guess that’s what I’m talking about. It’s like I’ve been working out in the Spirit. Things are just different.

That deep piercing pain has gone. I’m sure that it might come back every now and then, but I know that season is over. The emptiness still remains and I know that will continue for a long while. For a while I was very lonely. I could be in the middle of a crowd or with close friends. I would interact with them, but I was lonely. That deep loneliness seems to have passed to. The new normal, for now at least, is that it’s OK to be alone, and its OK to be with friends and family. I can enjoy doing both. I love my kids, and this past week has been wonderful. I miss them terribly when they leave, but it’s OK to be alone. I’m fine with that right now. It’s OK, because I am not really alone. Whether I’m watching a movie or TV or just reading, I know this one thing. Papa, Jesus and Holy Sprit are always with me. I’ve come to be able to feel their presence. That presence makes me want more. More of that presence is what I really long for. Julia’s absence has drawn me deeper into their presence.

So, where I am right now is in a good place. I love Julia, I always will. But more and more, I am thanking Papa for the memories that I have rather than wanting to go back. We can’t go back, and to continue to try to live there is to deny your destiny. As I write this I realize how good God is. Look what He has done for me over the last six months. I wish that I could share with others the depths of His love so that they could understand what I feel, and how I have come to this point. He is good, and His goodness is everlasting.