I’m sitting by the fire tonight in my rocking chair listening to Judy Collins. Unless you listened to the late 60’s and early 70’s you might not even know who Judy Collins is. She is one of my favorite singers. She sung a lot of anti-war ballads and some of the most beautiful songs. I downloaded “The very best of Judy Collins” from iTunes. It has 16 of her most popular songs. It’s my new favorite album. Listening to her sing is much like listening to worship music. Most of the songs have deep multiple meanings and you can really almost worship to them. The first song is “To everything there is a season”. Then it ends with Amazing Grace. It’s probably my most favorite rendition of all time. All this to say that for the past few nights the phrase to everything there is a season has been ringing in my spirit.
I know that I am in a new season. While last year was one of intentionally focusing on Julia and honoring her life and our love, this year is different. 2011 is a year of transition, and I am in the middle of it. That’s fine; I really don’t mind transition. Sure it can be a little scary and messy but I don’t mind change. But the problem is that I can’t see what the change looks like. There are so many variables, and the choice is going to be mine. I have already heard from Papa that whatever I choose is OK. It’s like I can’t really lose, and that’s what scares me. I so much want His best for my life right now. But he is being pretty silent on some of these areas. So I am really being cautious. I don’t want to rush past where He is hiding waiting for me to discover Him.
Here is the deal. I am torn between many good things. On a personal level, part of me wants companionship. How does that look? Is that being with friends, or dating? Another part wants me to stay away from any of that stuff. Part of me wants to give my life to one area of ministry. Another part is saying no; go do this. Like I said, Papa said that I could do whatever I choose. I think He is showing me how much He trusts me. But because I so value that trust, I’m right now doing nothing, just trying to press into Him and His love more. I have time. I don’t have to rush. For someone who has always been like Peter, plunging headlong into things, this is hard. But I think that this is what He really wants. He wants me to seek after Him and not worry about all this stuff. It will take care of itself. I know that if I find Him, I will find the right transition for 2011.
So I have to make the choice daily to hold back. Me, who never held back in my adult life. I have to hold back from seeking answers. Instead I have to press into the one who really is the answer. When I look at it this way, it’s an easy choice. But in the heat of the day, and the heat of the moment, it’s not so easy. My prayer is that I will have the grace to see His plan as I slow down to press into His live and grace. So, this is the season of waiting and listening. It’s a season of rest and learning to hear Him at a much deeper level. Just last night He was beginning to show me how he releases his anointing in me and how I can feel its ebb and flow. That is a great revelation and maybe I’ll write on it someday, but for now, I just want to sit here and finish listening to Judy Collins and press into His love and acceptance of me.