I wish that I was sitting in my rocking chair, sitting by my warm fire admiring the snow falling down around me. That is how I dreamed of ending this year of blogging. But I didn’t count on this major snowstorm, or of having to work in the middle of it. So here I am in a hotel room, down by the airport. I’m just wondering how long I will be here. I have reservations paid by Delta through tomorrow night. I might have to extend, but that will be at my own expense. I really have too much to do this week to be stuck in a hotel room. I’m supposed to fly to Homestead FL on Thursday for a Sozo training that we are doing down there. Hopefully Delta will b back up and running by then. But for now I am stuck. I’m working tomorrow and Tuesday. I pray that the hotel van is running tomorrow, otherwise I will have to walk to work. It should be an adventure, but it just feels like a pain. I thought last year was bad. It seemed like had snow every weekend, but this already seems much worse.
Last night was so good. I know that Julia enjoyed watching us all toast her life and tell stories. We laughed a lot, and some cried a little. I was just amazed at watching all our friends, especially her close friends share. I recorded all the stories on my iPhone, and I have played part of it back and it is great. I have already figured out how to make a CD. Mac’s are great! So I will make some and give them to the girls. I’ll keep some for the grandkids as they grow up. I think I will put some in a copy of my will, so that when I die, at the age of 120, they will have a copy. Speaking of dying, something happened to me in the Spirit last night. It is hard to describe, and I am still sorting it out, but I think it had to do with it being the anniversary of Julia’s death.
I really think it had to do with the letter that I wrote. It was like a door closed as I finished that letter. Sometimes before another door is opened, you have to be willing to close a door behind you, face forward and start walking. Then, almost magically, another door will open. I have been thinking about writing that letter for a long time, but didn’t. The timing wasn’t right and I wasn’t ready to finally say goodbye. I guess in many ways this blog has really been one big goodbye. I know that I will probably say more about it tomorrow night, but as I look back to this time last year, I am overwhelmed by the goodness and faithfulness of God. His love for me and my family is so great. How does anyone survive, let alone thrive, in a situation that we found ourselves in without His love and grace. But personally I have received so much healing over these last months. I am amazed to feel like I feel right now. Julia’s love will always be with me, but now I have to go after More. What is the More except More of God and His love. How will His love manifest in my life? I don’t know, but I know it will.
I was asking Papa about some things last night after everyone left. They were random and had nothing to do with money. They were things about my future an my life. Everything I asked Him, He said yes too. But as He said yes, I realized that some of the things I was asking were in conflict with each other. So how does that work, I asked. He told me that I could go after whatever was in my heart and He would give it too me. But it was as He said that that I realized I didn’t want it if it wasn’t in His heart too. There are many things in my heart right now that I could go after. If I pursued them I know that I could have them. But I don’t want anything that is not in His heart for me. Just because it is in my heart, doesn’t mean it’s in His heart. I have to know for sure, and that will take more time in seeking Him and resting in His presence. I know that I will get the More, I just have to make sure that I go after the right thing.
So, here I am sitting in a room, watching the snow come down. Sure I miss Julia, but I am healed to a much greater extent than I ever thought possible. I pray that my girls will receive even more healing as the days and weeks progress. I can look to the future with an expectant heart, knowing first hand of the great goodness of my Father. His love for me is so great, how could I not love Him, or you.
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