Thursday, December 30, 2010

Day 353 - Releasing

Wow, I watched another favorite movie tonight. Julia and I loved it when we saw it, and the music, with the Righteous Brothers, is great. The movie is “Ghost” with Patrick Swazey and Demi Moore. It’s a great movie, but even through the funny parts with Whoppie Goldberg it really is all about letting go. As “Sam” was looking after his girl friend even after He died, sometimes I think that Julia is close by. I know that she has been close to others this past year.

But probably one of the hardest things we have to learn as we deal with grief and death is to learn how to release. We, no I, just want to hold onto what we had so tightly. It’s like we are so afraid that if we let go just the slightest bit, it will all disappear. I know that through this year I have struggled with this. At first, I was so afraid that I would forget what she looked like, or the sound of her voice. Then I wondered if I would be able to maintain our memories. Later, I wondered if I would be able to see our ministry through.

At every step I had to release. I had to choose to loosen the grip that I had on the past and release whatever it was to Papa. It was only when I was able to do that, then I could move to the next level. Someone once told me that if you hold your baggage too closely, you will never be able to get in the river. For years, Julia and I had to learn to release our Kids into their destiny with God. Shoot, I still have to do that almost daily.

It’s the same process in grief. You have to choose to release the very thing that you are holding on to the tightest. But in this process sometimes as soon as you release one thing, another thing floats by and you grab hold of that. It’s like I want to grab hold of anything that will keep us connected. But what I am learning is this. We will always be connected. No matter what happens, after 38 years, I am a part of her, and she is a part of me. You don’t live together that long and not have that transference. I see it all the time. I find myself doing things because that’s the way she did them. But it’s a good way that I learned, and I am so glad that she was there to teach me.

I see it in my daughters also. They might do something, and I know that is because of the transference from Julia. But back to releasing; I’m winding down to the end of days on this blog. I want to release her and in some ways release myself. From what? I need to release myself from the prison that I place myself in when I hold on too tight. Only by releasing her, can I be free to be what Papa wants me to be.

So, what does releasing look like? I think it looks like living life from the present to the future. The past is a great heritage and a part of my life. But holding on tightly to the past, no matter how good it was, can only mess up the future. As I watched Patrick Swazie’s ghost, kiss Demi Moore just before he was taken to heaven, I could almost sense Julia kissing me saying it’s OK, I’m fine, no I am much more than fine. It was almost like I was releasing her tonight at a new level. That’s good. That’s healing. We need to reflect on love, but release also.

It’s been an interesting two nights with these movies back to back. They weren’t planned, it just sort of happened. Amazing when Papa puts things together. But I don’t think I could stand another tomorrow night. Maybe a good action thriller is in order. But I really am glad I saw them both, even though they both brought stuff to the surface. It’s time, and I am doing well.

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