Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Day 352 - Message in a Bottle

I just finished watching a 1999 movie with Kevin Cosner called “Message in a Bottle”. Julia and I saw it together when it was new, and I remembered it being good, but I didn’t remember a lot of the story line. It’s about a news paper writer who finds a bottle on the shore of Cape Cod. The message is from a guy to his wife who is dead. It talks about his love, and his regrets. The plot goes on from there, but needless to say, it stirred up a lot of feelings in me.

Kevin Cosner played the widower, and he lost his wife over two years before. He is doing his best to keep her memory alive in his heart. All of her things are still where they were. Some of what he was doing reminded me of what I have been doing. But not very much. I feel that I am much farther along that the character in the movie, but there were still many resemblances. This whole year, with the blog and everything else I have done, it’s been about honoring Julia and preserving as much of her for my granddaughters as I am able to. But at the same time I have to watch my motives and myself.

It’s all to easy sometimes to make someone or something an idol, even whe all you want to do is honor them. I have been careful, I think, not to do that. Anyway, in the movie it’s obvious that is what he has done. But as he falls in love, he begins to realize his mistake and to change. His question that he ask early in this new relationship is this. Can I love her as much as I loved my wife. His eventual answer is yes. To be honest, I don’t know what my answer would be. I said earlier in the year that I didn’t think I wanted to remarry. I still am not really interested in pursuing that, but I am open to His path in my life. But I won’t ever remarry unless I think I could love the person as much as I loved Julia. I don’t mean the same, but as much.

I don’t think you can ever love anyone the same. I love my granddaughters very much. I feel like I love them each as much as the other one. But the love I have each one is different. So it is with anyone that you love. It must be equal but different for each person. So I guess the question is this. Am I ready to allow another to have a place in my heart? I don’t know. But I have discovered this. I am not ruling it out. If I am supposed to have another to love, then Papa will have to show me and work it out through my hang-ups and give me a desire for another partner. But this one thing I am sure of. She will have to be able to run with me hard after the Kingdom. I will not allow myself to be entangled in a relationship with someone who can’t keep up. In fact, I would hope that I would have to run harder to keep up with her.

Well, that’s enough speculation. I guess that movie stirred up in me questions that I need to answer. Even though I have partial clarity, I still need more. So I will put this on the back burner of my heart until the time that I feel Holy Spirit tell me to bring it to the forefront.

Today was a great day. Lisa got off at 5:15. I got a lot of reading done. I also got a movie done and ran 4 miles and took a 45 min bike ride. Then John and Biddie came about 5:30 and we had shrimp for dinner. It was excellent. The weather will be even better tomorrow so I think it’s time for bed. I have way too much to do.

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