Day 46 - A Clean House

God is so good! I got up at 4AM this morning to catch the 5:40 flight. I was praying that it wouldn’t be cancelled because of all the weather in the North East. You never know when flight operations get affected in one area how it might affect flights in another area. Things can happen. Crews can get reroute, planes get stuck out in areas where they can’t make schedule. Many other things can cause the schedule to get disrupted. So since I had to work today, I was praying everything would work like it should so I would make it on time. Well, not only did the flight run on time, early in fact. But I got a first class seat riding home. It was nice to be able to catch a little nap, and get back to Atlanta early. I was able to get breakfast before work. So my trip was a total success. I got to see the girls, and I made it back to work with no problem.
When I got home today. I came home to a clean house. The lady that I hired to clean every other week had come. The floors were vacuumed and moped. The bathrooms were clean and the kitchen was clean. Also everything was dusted. All the things I haven’t had the time or inclination to do were done. Julia would be happy. She was such a great housekeeper. The house was always clean, and most of my skirmishes with her were over my lack of care about where I put things. I’ve noticed that about myself over the past month. Since she is not here, nothing gets put up. I find myself walking into the kitchen area wondering who made all this mess, then realizing that it had to be me. So, I have started picking up more as I go along. I think it’s out of honor for Julia, but I’m really a better housekeeper now than I used to be. So with my newly found ability to keep things tidy, and the house being cleaned every two weeks, I think I can maintain a standard of cleanliness that would come close to her standards. This seems like it should be trivial. I don’t know why I want a clean house; I just think that I want it to look like Julia is still here. I know that if she were still here, the house would be clean. So I guess that’s why I want a clean house. Is that crazy? I don’t know, I don’t think so. All I know is that right now, at this time in my life, it is important to me to keep a clean house. Maybe that’s what 38 years of marriage does. Before we were married, I could care less about cleaning. When I was in college, I thought that changing the sheets once a month was too much. Cleaning a room was something you did once a month. Well, I’m glad that I’ve changed in that and many other ways.
People keep asking me how I’m doing. I tell them that I’m doing fine, because for the most part I am. I don’t mind people asking me how I’m doing, really I don’t. So please don’t stop asking me. It’s just that some times I don’t really know how I’m doing. I haven’t had the fog of grief roll over me in a few days, but there is a new feeling. It’s a sense of melancholy. It’s like sometimes I just have to make myself keep moving forward. Tonight for example, I wanted to go to Might of Healing Prayer, but it was just hard to get moving. I really wanted just to stay home. It felt like I was tired, but I wasn’t really that tired. It was an inertia that was hard to overcome. But I pushed through, and went on to the church. I had to press into God during worship, and then all of a sudden there was a breakthrough. It was like I pushed through a membrane into another reality. All of a sudden, I was seeing and hearing from God. It started with a vision during worship, and continued all night with strong visions and accurate words of knowledge and prophetic words. Although I didn’t see any strong physical healings manifest during the night, I really think there will be many from tonight. So my question to myself is this. Am I moving into a new phase of grieving, or is this just another phase of what I’m in now. At any rate, I do know this. I have to keep pressing into what I’m called to do, and I can’t allow myself any excuse for not pressing into my destiny. My destiny is still the same as it was. It’s just going to look differently without Julia. I thank God for tonight and His goodness. He allowed me to experience this breakthrough to keep me encouraged. It was a great night, and I saw His goodness manifest in the lives of many people, including myself.