It finally arrived. After waiting almost all day, the snow came in around one this afternoon. It began fairly slow, but quickly began to pick up steam. I was prepared. I started making soup around 11. Before that I washed sheets and cleaned up the house a little. At 1:30, I went to the Y to work out. My plan was to go there, and then go down to Kennesaw and pick up my car from the repair shop before the snow got too bad. The car was supposed to be ready in the early afternoon. After leaving the Y, I called the car repair shop and they hadn’t finished the car. It didn’t look like it would be finished today so I went home. By this time the roads were beginning to get icy. It wasn’t too bad, just a little slushy. I got home and had my first bowl of soup. Now I’m not a great cook. Julia was so good that I usually stayed out of the kitchen. I would do all the grilling but she did most of the cooking. There were a couple of things that I taught her to cook. One was vegetable soup. I have been making that since pilot training. I learned the recipe from my Dad, and have been making it for over 40 years. The soup was great, and I was ready to “hunker down” in the house for the duration of the storm when I got a call. The car was ready. At first I said I would get it later, but after about three minutes I decided that the roads were only going to get worse, so I ventured out into the brink of the storm once again. Well, I got the car and got back safely. The roads were definitely getting worse, and I’m glad that I don’t have to go out again.
So here I am. It is beautiful outside. We probably have close to three inches of snow. That’s more than we have had her in over ten years. I have a fire, TV, movies and soup. I’m ready. I thought about watching Lord of the Rings, and I still might. It’s different though. That emptiness that is always with me is stronger tonight. Friends want me to come and stay with them, but there is a comfort in being here that I can’t explain. It’s not that I want to be a hermit, but I think it has to do with needing to be around “our” stuff. Julia’s presence is still strong in this house, even after a month. I feel comfortable here because I can feel her so near. Sometimes that is hard, but more often it is comforting.
How does a child grieve? What goes through the mind of a three year old, a ten year old, or a twelve year old when they lose their Nanna? That thought has been going through my head for the past two nights. How are my granddaughters grieving? How can they understand? How can I help them? I believe I have it easy compared to them. At least I can comprehend everything. My constant prayer is for them to understand, for trauma and abandonment to be broken off them. I know I need to talk to the older ones. What do I say? I’ve got to be real, but how does that look? These are the questions that I have been going to bed with at night. These are the questions that I am asking God to answer for me. I know that He can heal their hearts. I’ve seen Him do it in others. I just want is wisdom in how to deal with this. I know that it is primarily their parents who will deal with most of it. But I sense that I have a big part to play, and I don’t want to miss it. Well these are heavy questions, and I don’t have the answer to them. However I know that when I do get to talk to them, He will give me the right words to say. So even as I ask, I know that He will answer. Isn’t it funny how one minute you can be overwhelmed with questions and the next minute your fine, even if you still don’t know the answers? I know that Father God must get tickled at us sometimes.
Today is Julia Anne’s one month birthday. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. I’m looking forward to seeing her and Anna next week. I know that she is growing fast. I am so blessed. I have two wonderful, strong daughters and four lovely granddaughters. They are the legacy of Julia’s life and mine. I love them all very much. I wish we could all go out and play in the snow together. I wonder if there is snow in heaven. Maybe there you can make snow ice cream like we used to do when I was a kid. That’s a good thought to end on tonight. Snow ice cream. Yum.