Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Day 30 - 30 Days?

It’s hard to believe that I’ve been writing this blog for thirty days. It’s just as hard to believe that Julia died a month ago yesterday. In many ways it seems like yesterday. As I write, I don’t know where I’m going. I sort of just begin to flow. I do know that this writing has helped me. It’s helped me to understand that grief is a process, and it is not something that is continuous. It comes and goes, ebbs and flows like the tide. It moves like the fog with a light breeze, coming in and out at odd, unexpected times. Grief is something to be embraced, but held loosely. If you hold it too tight, it can take you down the well of self-pity. That well is easy to fall into and hard to get out of. So far, by the grace of God, I believe I have avoided falling into that well. I’ve found that for me this works, at least so far. When grief comes, and I have time to deal with it, I allow it to wash over me. I embrace it, and let the tears and pain flow. This allows the process to cleanse me and empty me of pent up feelings. But there comes a point, when I have to take my focus off my loss of Julia and all that means and place my focus on Father God and His goodness. I have to allow His goodness to pull me up and bring joy back into my life. Yes, joy. It’s like the scripture “Put on the garments of praise for the spirit of heaviness. As I begin to focus on Him, the heaviness begins to lift.

This morning I spent a lot of time addressing and writing in Valentine cards for all my girls. Five total, I didn’t have to do one for Julia Anne this year. Anyway, I was writing in each one when I really felt Julia’s presence near me. It was if she was standing over my shoulder urging me on. She loved Valentines Day, so I loved it with her. As I was doing all this and feeling her presence, I just let the fog roll in for a little while. I wish that I were writing her, telling her how much more I loved her than last year. I look around the house, and it’s all decorated for Valentines Day. There is a red spread on our bed, valentine plates on the walls. She had it decorated for Valentines Day the minute the Christmas decorations came down. So now, I will probably have to get Biddie over next week to help me find the Easter decorations, because I know that they would be coming up next week. The house is still empty, and I’ve been sleeping too late on days I don’t have to work. I have to get back on more of a schedule.

Tonight we went on Prayer Walks. Our team went to Ga Tech. We met at Starbucks on 5th street, and walked over the tech campus to the student center. As we walked, we were trying to feel in the spirit what was going on, so we would know how to pray. When we got to the student center we met up with a bunch of Tech students who are in a home group from Bethel Atlanta. Then we talked about what we had picked up, and asked the Holy Spirit how to pray in the Kingdom to counteract the se areas. It was a powerful time of prayer, and I will be looking to see what kind of breakthrough we had there. As we started the prayer walk, I realized that I had graduated from Tech 4o years ago this May. 40 years, that is significant in the Spirit, and I felt it wasn’t “a coincidence” that I was on the team praying tonight. It was cold and windy outside, but well worth the time spent. I’m excited to see what God does.

I’m finishing up a little early tonight. That’s good, because I haven’t watched 24 yet. I think that is how I will spend the next hour, catching up on Jack.

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