The drive from Mobile was uneventful. It was a sunny day and traffic was light. I measure the drive by the number of Starbuck stops I male. This was a triple Viente Latte in Mobile to start the morning, and then a Grande Latte in Montgomery. So five shots of espresso for a five and a half hour drive. That’s about right to keep me awake. I have always had a problem staying awake on long driving trips. Julia would always be punching me, or asking me if I was all right. It seems the worst time of the early for me is early afternoon. I can stay awake fine driving at night, but put the early afternoon sun on my shoulder and I have to be really careful to concentrate on something more than just driving. Today I listened to a pod cast form Bill Johnson and some teaching that I had at BSSM. That and the 5 shots of espresso did the trick. So I made the trip home with no problem.
This is the longest that I have been away from home since Julia died. I spent the night with Dad on Tuesday night, came back today, so I was away from home for five days. It was interesting the reaction I had to coming home. I hadn’t given it a second thought until I begin to get close. All of a sudden, that fog of grief overwhelmed me. For a minute, I didn’t want to go back. I just wanted to be somewhere else. But I pressed on, and when I opened the door, and came inside, everything was all right. In fact I was glad to be back. So coming inside seemed to help the fog of grief lift.
The time with Lisa and the girls was really good. It was good to see her and the kids, to talk and see how they are doing. During the whole time I was there, I really only felt that fog come over me a couple of times, and both very briefly. I think the joy of being with them overcame the loss of Julia not being there. Of course I missed her. I always miss her. It’s still like walking around with part of me missing. I wonder how long it will be like this. I guess some of it will always be there. That’s OK, because her love was one of the greatest gifts that God has given me, and I know that all I am is just a part of who we were. The weird thing is that I still feel her love, the same way I feel His love. That new song that Daniel and Melissa sang tonight really summed up exactly where I am right now. Any cost is worth getting more of God. I have to continually ask Him to come in. As John Wimber once said: “Each new step in the Kingdom cost you everything you have gained to date. It cost you your life.” Both Julia and I have always been willing to pay any cost to gain the next level in the Kingdom. That’s what pioneering is all about, giving up what you have to take new territory. All I can say is this next level is going to be great. I know that I will be physically alone, but I also know that she is with me as I press on here to bring the Kingdom of God down on earth.
In the pod cast I listened to, Bill Johnson was talking about creating a history with God. Tonight David asked a question “why are you here right now? Basically what’s your purpose? I know my purpose. I felt God showed it to me in a vision before Julia died. I thought it was weird when I saw it, because Julia wasn’t in the vision. I just assumed that what I saw was for both of us. Now I know that the vision was correct. She’s not here. I saw myself being stretched. Each arm and each leg was drawn as tight as it could be in different directions. I was connected to different other pieces. I asked God what it meant, and all I got was this. “ You will be part of the net that brings in the next generation”. So, what does that mean? How does that play out in 2010 and beyond? I have some ideas, but I’m not ready to share them yet. What I do know is that I am a Revivalist. I am called to bring the Kingdom of God to any area of influence that I have. As a Revivalist I am to press into God for the release of His Kingdom in all situations. To do this I must be willing to risk. What do I have to lose? What do any of us really have to lose? We all get so caught up with living life that we sometimes forget what life is all about. So, we all have a destiny with God. What is yours?