Here it is another Sunday. It’s been an interesting day. Last night I was talking with a friend who is well familiar with grief. We were talking about how things can be going along fine, and all of a sudden it hits you. Well, I was on my way to church this morning and things seemed fine. All of a sudden, like the morning fog, a wave of grief just washed over me. It was like going from sunshine to a foggy rain. The grief and loss of Julia, the missing her was greater than it had ever been. It was almost like the night that she died. As I drove down the road, I wondered if I would recover enough to go into church, or if I would have to wait for a while. I did recover, and made to church on time. Church was great, and I was fine. I went home after church, and I really wanted to run outside again, but it was still very cold. So I went to the “Y” to work out with the weight machines. I’m really glad I joined toe “Y”. It seems that’s the only way that I have been able to get any exercise in the past two weeks. Anyway I worked out, and then went home. It was about 4PM, and I had to go to church for Face Down at 6.
Last week, Russell brought me a beautiful, big avocado from his grove in Homestead. It was big and green. Florida avocados are bigger and greener than California avocados. They don’t turn dark when they get ripe but they just feel soft. They have a bigger seed, but their taste is excellent. Anyway, Russell said that it would be ready in five to seven days. My thought when I got it was “What am I going to do with this?” If Julia was here, she would make some guacamole, or slice it up in a salad. She would have plenty of uses for it. For me, it looked like something else that I couldn’t do without her. I sort of put it out of my mind. After I got back form the “Y”, I saw it. The big green avocado was still there, sitting on the counter. I stared at it, and tentatively went over to feel it. Yes, it was perfect. It was ripe and ready to eat. I had a decision to make. What was I going to do with it. I really wanted some guacamole. I hadn’t had any in a while. The question was, could I make it? How did you make it? Did I have all the stuff to make it with? I remembered that Julia had used tomatoes, onions, jalapenos and cilantro. I looked, and I had all the proper ingredients. Now all I needed was a recipe. How was I going to do it? I think she had used toe food processor. Well I found the recipe in the Vita-Mix cookbook. Now a Vita-mix is a wonderful machine. Every health nut needs one. You can use it to make many wonderful concoctions. You can make everything form vegetable smoothies to mayonnaise. I had seen Julia use it many times. I had used it once in my life. But I din know how to clean it because I had cleaned it for her a number of times. I figured it couldn’t be that hard to use, so I got all the ingredients, and cut them up and put them into the machine. Well, the guacamole actually tasted good. It came out fairly nice. I could have processed it a little more, but like I said. The taste was excellent. So before I went to Face Down, I ate about half of the bowl. I was feeling good, very proud that I had been able to actually make something that I had never made before.
As I got in the car to go to church, I really didn’t want to go. I felt the fog bank of grief from this morning rolling in on me. Suddenly I was very tired. Everything in me wanted to turn around, go settle back at the house and watch the super bowl. I had been asked numerous times to come over to different places to watch the game. I really just wanted to stay home. I was glad I wasn’t going anywhere because I wasn’t going to be very good company. AS I said, I just wanted to turn around and go home. I didn’t. I kept going, got to the church and went inside. I had to make small talk before it started, and that was no fun. I still just wanted to be alone.
Finally worship started, and by the second song, the fog began to lift, and I began to feel stronger. The more I worshiped the Lord, the stronger I got. It was a good night. God’s presence was at the meeting. His love overflowed the room, and washed down on me. I was glad I came. I was blessed, and really felt God’s presence.
So what did I learn today? I really learned that grief is like a fog bank that rolls in on you. I learned that sometimes it’s OK to give into it and just let it happen. But there are times where you have to fight it, because the enemy will use it to rob you of a blessing. You have to allow the Holy Spirit to lead you. It’s different every time. You can’t do what you did last time because it might not work this time. God is in control here, but we have to know His will and plan for the moment.
Overall today was good. This evening has been fun, watching the super bowl is fun, and eating the rest of the guacamole for supper has been great. The fog has moved out, and I am resting in God’s goodness.