Thursday, February 4, 2010

Day 25 - Another Rainy Night

Here I am listening to the rain again. It seems like I do a lot of that these days. Maybe it is the silence around the house that makes me hear it more. I don’t know, maybe it’s just raining more now. It just seems like this past month has been colder and wetter than I’ve remembered in a long time. Also I don’t seem to be watching much TV. I just sit by the fire and listen to the album. You know the one. The one I’ve talked about in this blog over and over. Love came down by Brian and Jen Johnson. I must listen to it twice a day. Normally when I go to work, and then at home at night while I’m sitting by the fire. Tonight I miss Julia. I miss her so much, but I also miss Jennifer, Lisa and all the grandkids. I just feel lonely. I know that my friends surround me, and I’m exactly where I want to be, but it doesn’t matter. I still feel lonely. So tonight for a few minutes, I’m going to let that loneliness embrace me. As I do that, I also let God’s love just wash over me. Can you do that? Can you be lonely, and still feel God’s love and presence? I don’ know if you can, but I know that I am! He is so real, that even in the hurt of not being with my family, His love and presence is with me. It has taken me about ten minutes to write this paragraph, and now I feel much better. It’s like I have written through my loneliness. I know that it doesn’t make sense, but that’s what happened.

I still miss her. I miss her smile, and her just wanting to sit with me, no matter what I’m doing. Probably half the time we were watching TV, she was just there to be with me. I miss how she loved to shop for our granddaughters. I miss coming home, finding her at the sewing machine making something for one of them. She always wanted to surprise them with something. I’m asking God to give me the grace to be able to do that in some small way. I always left that stuff up to her. In reality, I am beginning to realize that there was a lot that I left up to her.

Tonight cell group was great. We had a good time of worship, and the Holy Spirit’s presence was so strong. Then we divided up into groups of about 5 people and began to practice prophesying on each other. There were some great words given. I think that everyone was blessed. I know that I was. Julia probably liked it, I wish I could have seen her during worship. Julia was a great worshiper, and I know that she still is. I think that she understood that in order to be a good intercessor, you had to be a great worshiper. Worship and intercession go hand in hand. They are both about intimacy with the Father. You have to connect to His heart in both events. In order to pray his heart, you first have to know it. You learn His heart by worshiping Him. Julia always inspired me to be a better worshiper. I know that I inspired her in a lot of ways too, but she isn’t here to tell me.

You know what I really miss? I miss having someone to talk to. I know I have dear friends who will listen, but I can’t share the same thoughts and feelings as I could share with her. She was my soul mate, my confidant. She knew my deepest fears, or if she didn’t know them, she would pull them out of me. I wanted her to know. It’s just that sometimes I had a hard time sharing things. I do miss her so much. The lonely ache from earlier is gone, but the wanting and missing her still remain. But that is OK. The rain is still falling. I guess it will be raining all night. God’s goodness is raining down on the earth, and all we need to do is to receive it. So my prayer tonight as I go to bed is that each one of my family, where ever they are would be able to rest in His arms like I am, and tell him all their troubles, so that they can just rest in His goodness and grace like I am.


  1. I find myself looking forward to your posts every day. I anxiously await it. You are full of wisdom and love. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Out of your vulnerability comes truth and freedom. I really wish that I could have gotten to know you and Julia better when Lisa & I were in high school together. You're still in my prayers!

  2. Tom thank you for your sincerity. Your honesty. Your love and your heart. It is such a blessing to get to know you. YOU are a worshiper. More than anyone I've ever seen. I've always told Patrick that you are the one I love to watch during worship. The look on your face when you're in God's presence is so sweet and radiant. Julia probably rubbed off on you more than you realize. Be blessed my friend. I'm cheering for YOU.

  3. Thank you again Tom for sharing. I have hard times missing her but it's a drop in the bucket compared to you and The Family. God is able to help and heal us all. Your honesty and vulnerability is healing!!! Thanks and Blessings and Love!