Saturday, April 9, 2011

Transition; It's not all Easy

I know I complained about winter and the cold. And I really do like summer better than a cold wet winter. But I like spring and fall better than either season. Today it seems like summer came early. I was running this afternoon and it was 86. Last week I ran and it was 50. That is not enough time to adapt to the heat. I’m glad I was wearing a heart rate monitor because I had to walk a couple of times to keep my heart in the proper range. It’s just too much heat to fast. Tomorrow is supposed to be 87. It is scheduled to cool off by Tuesday. I sure hope that it does.

On top of it being so hot today it seems like my air conditioning is not working tonight. I’ve had it on for over two hours and it is still 80 inside. Well, it’s better to find out now than later in the summer. Of all the systems in this house, the air-conditioning system had given us more problems. It think it has been totally replaced by now and the house is only 6 years old. Now it’s not working again. Well, at least it is still under warranty, I hope.

Today was the last of my A periods for a few days. Tomorrow is a 9:20 report. That’s great except I will miss church because I will be working. But I am off on Monday and Tuesday. That will be great, I need a couple of days off. I can definitely use them. I did get a good run in today, even in the heat. I have outreach tomorrow afternoon. I guess it depends on when I get home. Home, what is home? I have a house here, and I am comfortable, but what is home? I’m not sure that I really have a home right now. I am living in a house with a lot of memories. That’s not a bad thing because they are good memories. But I remember that this is a year of transition.

Transition, what does that really mean? The dictionary defines transition this way: movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change. Up to this point my year of transition has been OK. Now it is moving into a new season. It is a season where I am not sure of who I am or what I want. All I know and can fix on is who He is. I know that I have made decisions based on what I heard from Holy Spirit and my heart. I don’t regret the decisions; I know that they are right. But the implementations of these systems are a lot harder than I thought.

I’m being brutally honest right now. There is a big part of me that is resisting moving from who I was in the past to who I am to become. I know who I was. I liked who I was and all that entailed. I loved my life and never wanted it to change. But it did change. I can’t stay in the past. That is not an option, so I have to embrace all that God has for me in the future. I know that, but it doesn’t make it any easier sometimes. I guess I am much like a pregnant mother about to give birth. The time that she changes from a pregnant woman to a mother is called transition. There is where all the emotional swings take place. It’s where she doesn’t even like anything but wants it all to be over. I guess that is where I am right now in the process. I would love to stay in the past, but the past is gone. I’m not of sure what the future will bring. But I do have a good coach. I have someone I can lock eyes with and focus on. He will lead me through this phase just like He has led me in the past. It’s just that this part is not as much fun. But I do know and feel His love and I can rest in that. The rest will fall into place.

Sometimes I do just want to crawl into a hole and stay there, thinking I will wake up and my past 15 months will all be a dream. But that is not reality. Reality is that God is Good and He is sustaining me, even when I want to run. He is here, He is real and His love is everlasting. He has my heart and my eyes are locked on His. He will bring me through the period of transition just like He brought me through the last year of grief. He can be trusted, and I lean into His love tonight even as I go to sleep.

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