I wonder sometimes if I will ever get used to all the silence in the house. Sometimes I find myself talking out loud just to hear something besides the TV or the Ipod playing. For the most part I think that I am doing pretty good. But what do I judge that on. This is all uncharted territory for me. I’m sure that it is always uncharted territory when you have a death of a spouse. So I think that I am doing good. I know that according to what I’ve heard I am doing good, but I have learned never to judge myself on how others have done. This is my race, just like when I run a marathon. When I run a marathon, I run against myself. I have a goal and each mile I judge where I am in pursuit of that goal. Am I ahead? Am I behind, and if so , how much? What can I do to get on track? Running is easy it’s about time and distance. Your fitness and ability determine what your goals can realistically be. This is different, much different. What does “I’m doing good” look like? Are there tangible measurements that you can check?
Well, first of all, I am living life. I’m working, going to BASSM, leading cell group and doing Sozos. So there I am doing good. So I can check that off. Next is my eating. This is not as good as before. I’m only eating probably once a week, at the most at home. This really cuts down on Organic and low calorie food. My weight is showing it. I’ve gained about 10 pounds since Julia died. I can’t continue at this pace, so I have to make some changes there. So come Monday, I will really attempt to change my eating habits back to what they were when Julia was basically my chef and personal trainer as far as eating went. So here it’s not so good. I need improvement. So this is an area that I really need the Holy Spirit to help me in. I need strength not to use my appetite to comfort me in loss. The next area is one that moves up and down. How am I doing socially? Am I seeing friends, or do I just want to be alone? The answer is yes. I am seeing friends, and I just want to be alone. This is really weird. I enjoy seeing my close friends and eating with them, but I really just enjoy being by myself. That is strange, since when I am by myself is when I want more noise. Well it doesn’t have to make sense. I learned that along time ago. It just is. I find myself wanting to retreat back into the house and be alone. I know that this is not good, so I force myself to do things. I think that is what I liked about being in Nicaragua. I had to react and interact. There was no place to slip back into. But overall I think I am doing good here. At least I know what my tendencies are, and I am willing to fight them, to press into being with friends.
Sometimes it is so easy for me to get caught up in my loss that I don’t think about the loss others have endured. Of course I think about my daughters and granddaughters, but what about all Julia’s friends. I know that they feel a great loss. When I do think about them, I pray that they too are doing well. I know that her closest friends feel tremendous loss. I have to acknowledge that more. I need to reach out to them and help them heal also. Sometimes I feel that they are so concerned about me that they don’t spend enough time on themselves. They need to grieve too. It’s not just about me, and I want to help them. This is where I know that I have not done very well. I guess I’m doing well. If I weren’t, the Holy Spirit wouldn’t have highlighted their needs to me.
So, looking at these areas, I am doing good. There is room for improvement, but I know what I need to do. That’s half the battle. Now all I have to do is “do it.” Easter is coming. I need to get the kids cards. I will be going to Mobile on Friday to see Lisa, Anna Roan and Julia Anne. It will be fun. Then the next weekend I will go to Ft Lauderdale to see Jennifer, Adair and Meleah. I need to see them, but they need to see me just as much. I need to continue to schedule them in my life; otherwise I will be too busy and miss the very thing Julia would want me to do. Tomorrow is Sunday, I have lots of work to do, but I have to work early. I’ll toy to go the Bethel Atlanta and then to RiverStone that evening. It should be a good day.
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