I sat down about 10 minutes ago to write, but I didn’t really know what I wanted to write about tonight. So I just started listening to Love Came down and just resting in Papa’s arms. I really had no clue as to what to write, and I didn’t care at that point because of the peace that surrounds me. Then as I was just resting I heard Holy Spirit say to write about her love. Then I realized that all this time I have been writing about how much I love her, and how much I miss her. I know I’ve hit around it, but I don’t think I have written about how much she loved me. This might be hard tonight, but I feel that Papa and Holy Spirit have opened a crack in a door that I didn’t know existed, so I am going to explore my feelings about Julia’s love tonight. Where this will lead, I have no clue, but here goes.
I’ll just be honest; right now tears are just flowing like a gentle rain, coming down my cheeks. Hopefully when you grow up, your mother and father love you. Most of the time, if you are lucky, they do. But they are supposed to because they are your parents and parents love their children. But if you are so fortunate to find a mate; that is where you are loved not because you were born, but you are loved because of who you are. Those of us who found true soul – mates are so blessed. Julia was truly a wonderful gift from God to me. After over 38 years, she knew all of my faults and all of my weaknesses, but she loved me more than I can express. I know it by the way that she looked at me. I know it by the way she valued my presence and I also know it by the way she gave me freedom to do things that were my passion.
I’m better now. I’m just lost in the knowledge of her love. We could sit for hours and not say anything, or we could get lost in conversation about something we were passionate about. It didn’t matter as long as we were together. We loved so many of the same things and yet we were so different. We also had our own interest, and had learned over time to give each other space too. I couldn’t sleep at night if I thought something was wrong in our relationship. My problem was I didn’t see it when we were slipping too far apart. She always seemed to sense it first, and would begin to make me realize it. She knew my heart, and that I wanted her close. We were really like a “matched pair” of horses. Matched so that we could run together in unison almost as one. We knew what each other was thinking because most of the time we were thinking the same thing.
She loved to cook for me and see me smile when I tried something new, but she let me do all the grilling. She also loved for me to make omelets for her for breakfast. She said that I made better omelets than she did. I did teach her, but I think she just let me be good at something in the kitchen. She loved to make my favorite desserts. Her coconut cake is unbelievable. Everyone always wanted some. It was always a big hit at family Christmas. She only made it once or twice a year. For one thing, it was too hard to make. But the main reason was we would have gained twenty pounds if we had it all the time. Another way she showed her love for me was to host our family Christmas for so many years. She was the one that did most of the work, decorating and preparing the house. It was always a lovely time.
All this was good, but to me, she was like having the love of God here on earth. She is where I could come to when I needed to be held. Her arms were always open to me. I’ve learned since her passing to run to Papa and His arms. That has sustained me, and I wish I had known how to do that before. But I really didn’t need to. Whenever self-doubt crept in, or I was feeling low or depressed she was there. Her arms were like a safe harbor. She accepted me when I blew it just as easily as when I excelled. Her love was so wonderful. Sure, I could hurt her feelings, and often did. But when we had worked everything out, she was always there right by my side.
Spiritually we were almost always together, equals pressing in for more. There were only a couple of times when we were in different paces, and those times were very hard. I can’t imagine how married couples make it who aren’t equally yoked in the spirit. I pray that my granddaughters will make sure that their mates are on the same page with them spiritually. It’s more than just being a Christian; you have to be going after the same thing. You have to have the same passion because if you don’t, there will be constant tension until one of you gives up your dream. Our dreams ere the same, and that gave us common goals and common ground.
I guess one of the things that I miss most is that there is no one here on earth that knows me like Julia knew me. That is something that I am learning to live with, and it’s probably the hardest thing that I have to deal with. She was my confidant. I could share everything with her. I respected her wisdom and discernment. I really miss that more than anything. I’ve learned to rest in the presence of Papa, Jesus and Holy Spirit. I know that they hear me and I can talk to them. But I really miss being able to just hang out with Julia and share deep things or just the little things. I miss her hand slipping into mine when we walked. I miss the way her deep blue eyes could look deep into my heart. I miss her presence around the house. All of these were qualities that made her love so strong. Yes, I do miss her love. I know it still exist, but like in the Velveteen Rabbit, I miss having the love with “skin on”.