These past two days writing about and thinking about Julia’s love have brought her closer to me than she has been in a long time. I could just live here, thinking about her love. But that is not a profitable thing to do. Life moves on and although this is a good place to visit, it is not a place to stop and pitch a tent. I thank Holy Spirit for opening that door. It was a door of healing for others and me. It will continue to be a door of healing, but it is not a door for dwelling. The family, friends and myself will always have those memories and that is why, I believe, Holy Spirit wanted them highlighted. But those memories are for comfort and to bring hope for the future. Julia is not there anymore and neither am I. The memories are the past, and no matter how good the past is, the present is where we are to live.
True, we can learn from the past. Our heritage and past help define who we are in the sense that they give us foundation. But the building takes place in the present. I have much to do. We have a destiny, all of us. We can’t let our past, good or bad, hold us and keep us from what we are to become. I have a habit, probably a bad habit, of talking about what I want to be when I “grow up”. Well, we grow up in the present. As I have said many times, God told Moses that His name was “I AM”. That is present tense. He wants us to live for Him today. Sure, we plan for tomorrow, but we are always living in the present.
So, here I am tonight, back in the present. I am so thankful for all the wonderful years that I had with Julia. The really do define me in so many ways. She is still so much a part of me and she probably always will be. But as I look to this coming school year and beyond, I want Holy Spirit to sharpen me. If I need to be redefined in areas, I am open and willing to change. I never want to be stuck in doing something because that’s the way Julia and I did it. I guess the example of the “matched pair” of horses that worked together to pull in unison is the past. The present is that now I am a lone stallion that is free in open pasture. Free to run and discover things that I hadn’t even thought of in the past. So in some ways it does mean that I have to change.
That is a novel thought. What was good for both of us to do might not be what God wants me to continue to do. How does that play out? I have no clue. I’m sure that most of what we did, I will continue. I take that back, I’m not really that sure about anything except this: I want to be in His perfect will and intimate relationship. If I am there, then everything else will take care of itself. I do know that I am at such peace in my spirit. Does that mean everything is perfect in my life? Of course not! Some would probably say that I had no right to be at peace about anything. But I am at peace at such a deep level. I’m not sure when I have ever felt a peace like I am living in right now. Obviously it is from Him. I guess the truth that I have known in my head is finally setteling deep into my spirit. The truth is that I don’t have to do anything; I just have to be in His presence. It’s all about being, not doing.
OK all you Mary’s out there, that doesn’t mean that I won’t do anything. It’s just that my self worth and my worth to Him is not based on my doing. I will do out of the overflow of love. Just like Julia did for me and out kids. Just like I did for her and do for my kids. It’s not out of performance, it’s all done out of love. So, as I move forward, it must be out of love. I can’t do something because I feel required to do it, it has to be out of the overflow of His love. I need to be so filled with Papa’s love that I want to do. I have to listen for Him to tell me what He wants me to do. As we move through life it still boils down to this. Hear and Obey.