Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Day 136 - Markers and Monuments

I think that I need to read “The Shack” again. I’ve read it at least three times and have gotten more out of it each time. But now I feel that I understand so much more. Today has been an OK day; nothing bad, and nothing great. Maybe it’s because I went to the cemetery to talk with them about a marker for Julia’s grave. I did go see her grave and we looked at various markers. I could have made a decision then, but I wanted to talk it over with the girls. Also I realize now, I just wanted to get away from there. After the meeting I got some lunch and I went to see Iron Man 2. It was a fun movie and a diversion. I didn’t realize I neede the diversion but Papa must have. Then I cam home and cut the grass. I also took about a thirty minute “powernap”. I do this often when I get up so early. I had a good dinner and we had rain. These are all good things, and I feel OK. It’s just that I can sense that fog of sadness hovering just above me. I wonder if this is what “the great sadness” was like in the book. When I am really strong in the Lord, or really busy, it seems to be gone. But it’s not, it’s right there waiting to come back. If I chose to give into it, I could let it just swallow me up. If I did this, I know that eventually I would crash and burn. No, I have to acknowledge it, ask Holy Spirit what area I need to deal with. Then I have to look at a small area, deal with it emotionally and then glory in God’s goodness. His love is sufficient, but we have to choose to move out of the sadness and into His love.

I wish that you could feel what I feel as I am feeling it. Just as I was writing that last paragraph, the minute I wrote that we have to choose to move out of the sadness and into His love, it’s like the fog moved out and the sadness lifted. It’s like I am participating in a grand experiment of learning how to walk in a deep level of God’s goodness and grace. It is so amazing to see how He works, and how quick He can be to react. But whether He works or reacts or not, His goodness and grace are still so real. He is truly worthy of all praise. Now I feel I can write more about my feelings on graves and markers.

Personally, I don’t care whether I am in a grave or have a marker. However I think it might be important for family and friends to give them some focal point for closure and memories. So really for the family and friends, I want to get the marker right. I’m not one to go to gravesides on a regular basis, so I don’t necessarily understand people who do. But I want to honor their feelings. I think I have found one and the girls agree. That means one more trip out there to finalize the deal. Of course this brings up other issues. What am I going to do when I die? Am I going to be buried next to Julia? I have a plot. I always said that I wanted to be cremated and my ashes scattered in some of my favorite places. Can I bury a box with some of me there? Economically it makes sense to go ahead and have a double marker placed. If I do that, do I put my name on it with everything but the date of my death? That seems a little morbid. I could right an Edgar Allen Poe poem about something like that. These are issues I really don’t want to deal with, but the time has come to deal with them. Decisions have to be made, and I don’t need to procrastinate any longer. I’ll meditate, pray, sleep and decide. I know that once the decision is made, I cam move on. So I don’t want to make this into a long process.

I was looking at the markers and there was room for either a phrase or verse on them. I was thinking that mine would read “God is Good” or “Unlock my Roar”. But I need to either get a verse or a phrase for Julia. If any of you who new her well have any ideas, email them to me. Well it’s time to see who won American Idol and then to bed. Three AM comes early tomorrow. The fog is gone. It is a good night!

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