First let me say that today was a good day. As I sit here tonight in my rocking chair listening to music I can rest in His peace. The presence of Papa, Jesus and Holy Spirit is very strong. I am so thankful for all that He has done today. I am especially thankful for His grace. I also promised to be real and share my ups and downs, so here goes.
When I woke up this morning I felt heaviness that I don’t remember feeling. I probably did, but it has been a long time. I felt OK, but it was like when you go outside and you can see the fog but it hasn’t quite settled yet. You know it’s settling, you just don’t know when. The stillness of the air and the heaviness of the fog make everything seem different. That’s how I felt this morning. I couldn’t put my finger in it, but I knew it was different. I had an early trip to Alpharetta. My Chiropractor/ Nutritionist has his office there. I have been going to him for almost 3 years now. Julia found him and went for almost a year before I went. I like him a lot and really respect his knowledge in both areas. Why do I go that far? Well, his adjustments are over 15 minutes long and consist of massage and muscle manipulation as well as the normal adjustment. A year ago I had some bad foot problems. No other chiropractor around here would really deal with it. He works with it every time I go. I have been running since. When I fell and dislocated my ACL joint I my shoulder He was the only one who would with me. I see him about every 3 weeks instead of twice or once a week. He is expensive, but I think he is worth it. As a nutritionist, he has me taking a lot of different supplements to keep me strong and healthy. Up until Julia died, I had been pretty faithful to take them. Since she has been gone, I haven’t been as good. In fact I haven’t taken any for the past 3 weeks. Today’s visit was just for Chiropractic, so I know that he wouldn’t ask me about the other. Still as I drove over I was pondering why I had been so lax. Why hadn’t I taken things that I knew were good for me and would help. As I was thinking about that all of a sudden tears started coming out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I kept thinking about Julia and her taking all the supplements. Then it hit me. She had taken all this stuff, but it didn’t help her. I just didn’t care anymore. Right at this time, it didn’t matter to me whether it kept me healthy or not.
I have really done pretty good in almost every area. I haven’t had a bad day, I love life and I love my family, but here I was, in this area not caring. At that moment, all I really wanted was to be with Julia. Taking care of myself really didn’t matter. I realized that this area is an area I really need healing in. I do care about life. I care about my destiny, and about my family. But my actions in this one area say otherwise. As the tears were flowing one of the Jesus Culture songs about God is Good came on. His love overtook my thoughts and I was moved into a better place. But the fog was still there, still thick and not settled yet. I got to my appointment and went in for my adjustment. I started to talk about the supplement issue, but decided against it. I really felt that Papa was going to work with me on this if I would let Him.
Lisa is getting ready to move to Norfolk Virginia. She has a house in Mobile that hasn’t sold in this market and we found her a place to live in Norfolk. We have been praying for a month for the right person to rent her house, but so far there hadn’t been any takers. I prayed with Bud last night at cell group about the situation and I have been trusting in God’s provision for her. I had been praying for this situation as I drove for my morning appointment. After I left the chiropractor’s I was on my way home when I started thing about Julia again. The heaviness was still there, and tears once again began to flow. Both times this morning were not like anything in the past. It’s like the pain was not strong, but just under the surface. At the drop of a hat, with no warning the tears started flowing. I was wondering how much linger this fog would last when I got a text from Lisa. (I stopped at a red light and I read it). She had just received word that her house was going to be rented. Great news! Awesome news! So here is the situation. I’m in my car with silent tears running down my face, thinking about wanting to be with Julia. The text comes and the overwhelming goodness and favor of God flood my car. I am driving down the road crying, laughing, in pain, agony and joy all at the same time. I can hardly see the road because of the tears of pain mixed with the tears of joy. Then all of a sudden, it was over. There was nothing left but joy and I was laughing. The fog lifted, washed away by the knowledge of His goodness. All the rest of the day, I have been resting in His joy. There have been some other difficult circumstances, but I would not allow my focus to remain on anything but His goodness. So, I have to learn to continue to keep my focus on His goodness. It’s not about my experience, but the fact that He is good in all situations. I’ve also learned that times of this fog will move in and to get them to move out I have to intentionally focus on His goodness and what He is doing in my life NOW. It seems today I am living what we talked about right now. As much as I love Julia, that time is in the past. My memories and love will always honor her, but my life lived well will honor her more. I have to focus on TODAY. I have to trust Him and His promises for tomorrow. I have to maintain proper focus.