Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Day 128 - Transitions

I had a pretty good day. I was tired this morning and didn’t want to get up, but once I got moving things were good. I’m in the middle of the work marathon. I’ll be off on Friday, and I am looking forward to that day. Tonight is beautiful. It’s dry with very low humidity. It’s gong to be a good night to sleep with the windows opened. When I got home this afternoon I began to do some of the “chores” I have been putting off. Our sofa has slipcovers. We have two sets, one for spring and summer and one for fall and winter. The fall and winter covers have still been on. I know that Julia would have probably changed them out in late April. I didn’t even know where they were or if I could figure out how to change them. I was able to find them in the basement, and I had no problem changing them. I remembered helping her once before and it wasn’t that hard. I also took the down comforter off my bed. It was beginning to get a little hot at night. So the house is “summerized”. My other chores consisted of cutting the grass and then doing laundry, folding sheets and then fixing dinner. So I have had a pretty busy afternoon. The only thing that I didn’t get to do was to take a run. Boy it was a beautiful day to miss running, but hopefully tomorrow I will have more time to get a run in. I do work tomorrow again at 9:20. Hopefully I will be home a little earlier in the afternoon. Having tonight off is still weird. I feel like I should be in school. Well, I am going to enjoy the break because school will start soon enough.

I looked at the swing today from a distance. I really wanted to go swing in it, but I was just too busy. Maybe tomorrow I will get to swing. I am still wondering what the new normal is looking like. I have thought I have found it a number of times, only to realize it’s not here yet. But as I work around the house and change things around a little, things are becoming a little different. I don’t mean the house looks different, because it doesn’t. But more and more things are not where Julia left them, or I have changed out what she had in the house in January. But there is so much left to do. Everything in the bathroom under her sink is still pretty much as it was when she was here. The same is true for where she kept her jewelry. Really the only thing I have cleaned out has been my closet. I’ve got stuff in the kitchen that I will never use. After Jennifer and Lisa come up in July, I’ll probably just give it away, otherwise it will go bad. The basement is crammed full. All of Julia’s clothes are down there. I don’t know what or when I will attack that. All of her sewing equipment is down there too. I’ll probably keep it for the girls if they want it. So It looks like it will be a long time before I come to a new normal.

Well, it’s like I told one of my girls the other night. Enjoy the journey. Once you get to the destination you have nothing to look forward to. So I am going to enjoy the journey. This journey that I never expected to make alone. I have old friends and new friends. I have old ministries and some new ones on the horizon. This truly is a time of transition. Transition is hard, especially one like this, but necessary. If I tried to stay as I was before Julia died I would be of no use to anyone. Now there are new horizons, and new places to go. I will still go after the old, but my guess is that some of the old will pass away. This is the deal, you can only do so much and go after so much. When you begin to add things, some things begin to fall away. This is a natural progression in life. It’s not something you do intentionally. It’s something that is almost done for you.

The hard part is letting go. Letting go of Julia’s presence in my life. Her impact will always be there. She is truly a part of me. You don’t live and love for over 38 years and not be changed into part of the other person. But it’s like a plane and a rocket ship. Both fly, but in order to get into orbit, a plane would have to change. In order to fly around the country and land at different airports a rocket ship would have to change. Neither is good or bad, they just serve different purposes. Right now I am seeking my purpose. Julia and I had a purpose, but she is gone. What is my purpose? Another way to say it is what is my destiny? These are a few of the questions that I am wrestling with. These are the questions that I am asking Papa to show me. As Yoda (in star wars) would say, there has been a shift in the force, and nothing is as it was. That is nothing except Papa, Jesus and Holy Spirit. They are my constants. They are my rock and my fire. Everything else around me is subject to change. Some things will, and some things will remain the same. My job is to enjoy the ride, but be proactive to make sure I am ready to do what is needed on my part to ensure my destiny is fulfilled. I’m glad that I have always liked change. Bring it on!

No comments:

Post a Comment