I have a love/hate relationship wit this quote by Bill Johnson: “Anytime I have a problem that becomes larger in my consciousness than the awareness of God’s Presence in my life, I have to repent to regain His perspective.” I love it because it is so true, and it forces me to reevaluate my thinking and what lie I might be believing. I hate it because it is true and it won’t let me stay and dwell in my “comfort” of self-pity. No, seriously I do love this quote because it makes me think about how big God is and how much He loves me. It makes me focus on His goodness an the depths of his presence and love.
Tonight I really, really miss Julia. I miss how much she loved me and the girls and her Grandchildren. I miss how she was always there to help the girls in their time of need. Both of my girls are moving in July. Jennifer is making a local move across town and Lisa is moving from Mobile to Norfolk. Both families have stress on them, and Julia’s presence would do so much to help east this stress. She was a phenomenal packer and unpacker. Plus her help with the children was so needed. I know that both of the girls are missing her especially right now. So am I. Today is probably the most I have thought about her and missed her presence in a while. The overcoming pain is not there, but there is a deep level of sadness and sorrow that is trying to overwhelm me tonight. It’s probably because I can’t be there to do all the things Julia could and I wouldn’t be able to do them anyway. It’s amazing how much your kid’s problems become your problems and you ache and hurt so much for them. I didn’t know this would be part of the deal when we had them. I figured once they grew up, I wouldn’t feel this way. Shoot, it’s worse now than when they were kids. When they were kids, dad could fix almost everything. I shouldn’t have, but I did. I wish that I had seen all the teaching that I have seen now. Anyway, I can’t fix things anymore, all I can do is worry or pray. I have to choose not to worry, but instead to press into His presence and pray.
That is why that quote is so important to me tonight. I have allowed some of my girls problems to become bigger in my consciousness than my awareness of God’s presence in my Life. So before I started writing tonight I had to repent. Now repent really means to change the way you think. So I had to change the way I think about the problems. I have to remember who God is and how big He is. I have to remember all of His goodness and how He loves for me to pray so He can do good things. So I have to call for His presence and ask Him to intervene with His Kingdom in their life. I have to choose to trust in His goodness and that all things will work for good for those who love Him. I have to trust in His ability, and not look at my inability.
So I had to ask Holy Spirit what is the lie I am believing? He showed me the lie is that it was up to me to fix their problem and if I couldn’t come up with a solution they would be hurt. Then I asked Him, Holy Spirit what is the truth? He said the truth is Papa loves my girls more than I do, and He will watch over for them even better than Julia could. As I get His answer, I am crying, not because of sadness, but because of joy and the overwhelming sense of His presence. He is so good, and He loves me so much, but He loves my girls just as much, and they will be OK. They are His daughters even more than they are my daughters. Julia is with Him, and I know that she is not worried.
I feel right now like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. Did any on the circumstances change? No, the problems and stresses are all still there. So, what did change? My perspective changed, and that makes all the difference. Now the problems are not bigger than ny awareness of God’s presence in my life. This makes all the difference in the world. This and the core value that God is Good, and He does good things. I really feel sorry for those believers who can’t or wont grasp this truth. Core values are things that you believe in so strongly that you would be willing to die for. This is one of my main core values. It is a rock that helps me stand. If I couldn’t believe in God’s goodness, I couldn’t be standing and declaring the solutions over my girls right now. The question always comes down to how we choose to live. I choose to live on the offensive, declaring what should be until I see it. Otherwise I might never see it. I am so glad that I wrote this blog tonight because I end it with so much more hope and so much more of His Presence than when I started. That is a good thing