I woke up this morning around 3AM. I was still partially asleep and I reached over to touch Julia. Of course she wasn’t there. I haven’t done that in a while but as I realized she wasn’t there, I also realized that it was about this same time five months ago that the ER doctor said that she was going to ICU and was very sick. I didn’t go back to sleep right away, I just lay in the bed wishing that she was beside me. I finally drifted back off, but I kept waking up about every half hour just thinking about that day. So here it is the 8th of June, five months to the day of Julia’s death. All day long I’ve been thinking about where I was, and what I was doing. I had to work tonight, so I was too busy to think about her at the actual time of her death. I’m glad that I was working and couldn’t spend the whole day like that. It’s probably not a good thing. I know that the 8th of every month so far has been like this or worse.
Which is worse, to feel deep hurting pain or to feel no pain? I don’t know but I think they both can be good and bad. I know that doesn’t make sense, but today for the first time on the 8th, I didn’t feel the deep hurting, shooting pain that I had felt before. But not feeling it scared me. I wanted to feel it. I wanted to have that connection, but it wasn’t there. That scares me more than having the deep pain. No, today there was just a big empty void. Her absence was very real, and there was nothing that I could do about it. I know that I will never forget her, but I don’t want to lose the connection and today I realize that I will eventually loose part of it. There is nothing that I can do. Time has a way of erasing some things. Yes the hurt, but I am afraid it will erase more than the hurt, and right now I don’t want that. I will gladly take the hurt to keep all of the passion and love. Maybe I am wrong, I hope so. It’s just that this empty hole somehow seems worse in some way.
I am grateful to Papa that a bubble of grace surrounds me. I know that I shouldn’t be doing as well as I am. But I am not special. If I can live in this bubble of grace, then so should every believer who faces grief. He is no respector of persons. If He will do it for me, He will do it for others. This is not a wone tome thing. This experiment that I am in is to prove to others that they don’t have to walk through the “traditional model of grief”. Who says you can’t live on a higher plane. It’s just like healing. The Kingdom of God intervenes into the affairs of earth. Well the Kingdom of God is intervening in my life right now. Even as I have been writing Holy Spirit has been showing me that this lack of pain is a good thing and that I will still have the love and passion. The empty hole will be replaced by more of His love and passion. That passion will not only be for Julia, but for the living, those who need to be restored and refreshed. You see Julia has not died in vain.
Even though God didn’t cause her death, He can use it for good. He has used it to ignite me and many of her friends with a passion for His Kingdom that is unyielding. He has used it to ignite her two daughters to press into more of Him and His power and love. He will use it to cause His Kingdom to be advanced in many different areas. So, as we continue on this journey of healing, we need to be aware when changes occur. For me, a change has occurred, and I accept it as a good thing. I pray for my daughters that they too will continue to be healed. I pray for all of Julia’s friends who also have had a great loss. She wants us whole and active. She wants us to be warriors in the Kingdom constantly pressing into more of God. I know that to her five months seems like nothing. To me it seems like an eternity and an instant, all at the same time. Papa, I thank you for her life and love. Give her a kiss for me tonight.