This afternoon I was sitting in the rocking chair, rocking Julia Anne. It was a sweet time. I guess I was there about 30 -45 minutes. As I was rocking her I was listening to my newest favorite album. It is “Love Came Down” by Brian and Jen Johnson. It’s different from anything that Bethel has done. It is Acoustic worship with a Cello and Grand Piano. The title song is my favorite. The words are just where I have been, and still am. Here is the first verse and chorus:
If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear your voice, I’ll hold onto what is true though I cannot see; If the storms of life they come, and the road ahead is steep, I will lift these hands of faith, I will believe; I remind myself of all that you’ve done, and the life I have because of your son.
Love came down and rescued me, Love came down and set me free, I am yours, I am forever yours. Mountain high or valley low I sing out, remind my soul. I am yours I am forever yours.
These words really represent just where I am right now. Sometimes overwhelmed and even though for the most part I am still hearing His voice, I know that whether I hear or not I will hold on to what’s true. But this song is hitting me on another level. When I hear the words “Love cam down and rescued me, Love came down and set me free” I also am drawn to Julia and her love for me. You see, I think her love rescued me. God used her in so many ways to draw me to Him. I was raised in the Baptist church. My Dad was a Baptist minister. He still is, he just doesn’t call himself a Baptist. Now I thank God for my heritage and my Baptist roots. That has not always been the case. When I went to college, I pretty much rebelled against all that He stood for. I didn’t want to be seen in a Baptist church. That is why Julia and I got married in the Episcopal Church. My idea of Jesus back then was that of a lifeguard. I felt that I was saved and was going to heaven, and if things got bad, Jesus would rescue me. That was not good theology. But it was what I thought. My idea of a good time was a continual party. If Julia had ever gotten to know me before we were married, she would have called it off. Now Julia wasn’t walking very close to the Lord either, but she was closer than I was. Her love for me slowly brought me to the place where I could receive His love for me. So see, Her love came down and rescued me too.
Anyway, as I was rocking Julia Anne, I just let myself let go for a few minutes. As tears rolled down my cheeks, and I held my new granddaughter I once again, at a deeper level, knew that the reality is this. She is not coming back. At least not until Jesus comes. I know that, but part of me doesn’t want to accept that. How my acceptance of this reality, and how I deal with it in the coming weeks and months will determine how my healing progresses. I told Jennifer and Lisa tonight that they have to find a time to let go. It’s OK to grieve the loss of Julia. That doesn’t mean that we are giving up. No, I’m pressing in more than ever. The goodness of God is more real to me now than ever before. It’s just that I (we) have to face the reality of life without her.
Lisa and the girls are leaving in the morning. Jennifer is home with her families. We had a friend who is a photographer come and make newborn baby pictures today. What a blessing. As I look around, my life is filled with the blessings of God. I am so joyful for each one. Tomorrow is Sunday. I can’t wait to get to see my other family at RiverStone.