I’m at the airport. It is 6:30 in the morning. I went to bed at 12:30, got up at 4:15. I’m used to doing things like this. I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember. The flight looks good. There are a lot of open seats and only about 20 standby passengers, so I should get on with no problem. I’ll arrive in Ft Lauderdale around 9:30. That will give me the whole day with Jennifer and then the kids after they get out of school. It really feels funny. It shouldn’t. I’ve been at the airport thousands of times in the past 38 years. Most of the time it has been without Julia. So this shouldn’t be any different, but it is. There is no one to call to at home. The fact that she is not there running the house, sewing, going to intercession or meeting with someone is hard to grasp. Someone asked me last night if I was still numb, or was I feeling. I think I’m feeling, but who knows. Maybe I am numb. All I know is there is a deepening emptiness that I keep asking the Holy Spirit to fill when it settles in on me.
I’m looking forward to seeing everyone down there and spending time with them. I know that I will be making a lot of trips to both Ft Lauderdale and to Mobile or wherever Lisa is living. However my home is here. These are my roots, where I get life. Julia knew this long before I did. After I retired from Delta, I was ready to move to the beach. I love the beach, and I figured that it would be an easy transition. She listened to me, and tried to work things out, but I soon realized that getting her out of the Atlanta area would be like pulling teeth. Well we are about to board. I’ll continue this later on today.
Well its 9PM and it has been a good day. I met Jennifer at the airport and we went to breakfast and had a great time to talk and be together. That afternoon I was able to go run with Sean and then spend time with one of my granddaughters while the other was at track practice. We just finished a good diner and soon it will be bedtime. It’s been a good day, but tomorrow comes early. I’m leaving Ft Lauderdale at 6:50 in the morning.
As the day went on, I found myself thinking of Julia a lot. The emptiness is still there, but we have to keep living. There are people depending on us, schedules to meet, things that have to get done. So I leave myself with this question. Am I grieving enough? Is it OK to try to keep going? I thing it is probably different for everyone, but for me, I think the best thing I can do is “keep on keeping on”. I love Julia. I will always love her. The emptiness is real. The loneliness is hard, but I have to balance my grief with life and responsibilities. That might be hard to balance, but by resting in His presence it is possible. Besides, I think it is what Julia would want me to do :>)