Friday, January 29, 2010

Day 19 - Another Friday

Fridays used to be my favorite day. Growing up, you looked forward to being out of school for the weekends. Then there was Friday night Football and then basketball in High School. We had the Friday night “sock hops”. Yea, I know that’s ancient. In college, we always looked for the Friday night parties. After a week of studying, the weekends were our goal. Then I started work, and Fridays signified the end of the workweek. That is until I became a pilot for Delta. Then Fridays were just another day, and for many years were the beginning of my work week. In fact, the reason I started running in 1980 was I needed exercise that I could do alone. At the time I played tennis and a little golf. The problem was I was working every weekend when my friends were off. When I was off, they were working. I started running because I could do it when I was off. It didn’t depend on anyone else’s schedule. But I still liked Fridays. As our girls got older, once again we had football, basketball and all the weekend stuff. Now we do other things on Friday nights. Friday night is when we schedule most of our Sozos.

For those of you who don’t know, the word Sozo is Greek for saved, healed and delivered. We have a Sozo ministry at RiverStone that works with people, helping them to deal with issues in their lives that are giving them trouble. We do this by trying to listen to what the Holy Spirit is doing. Our job is to connect the person to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. We do this through many methods. Anyway, that’s where I am tonight. We only have one appointment tonight. It is a slow night, and I am down in the office doing homework for BSSM, and typing my blog. Fridays are usually fun. But not right now.

Fridays haven’t been fun for a while. It was 3 weeks ago today (Friday) that Julia went home to be with Jesus. All day that Friday I was with her. We had many people praying. I’ll talk about that day another time. I’m not ready to go into the details yet. But it was a Friday that she died. I didn’t realize it last week. I did notice that I was a little bit more down, but just a little. But this morning it hit me. I just don’t like Fridays right now. I’m sure that over time I will begin to like them again, but not right now. There are too many painful memories that are awakened by just the thought of it being a Friday.

So, today hasn’t been a very good day. There has been heaviness on me since I got up this morning. Even going to work, I could just feel the loss. There is no anger, no bitterness, but a deep sense of regret. Regret that she is not here. Regret that I should have see her sickness sooner. Regret that I’ll never get to hold her. So two or three times today, I’ve let myself go there, to that place of loss. But I can’t stay there, I can only visit and grieve. If I stay there I’m afraid that I would be in a downward spiral. No, I have to force myself back. I have to go back to what I know to be true. God loves me. My children love me. Many others love me. I have to look at the goodness of God. I have to let that goodness, like the radiation from a fireplace, warm me through and through. With that warmth, I can continue to press on into the destiny and calling that God has for me. I wish that I could express this so that everyone reading this could understand. It’s OK to feel loss, and express grief. The point is that even in the midst of grief, we have to readjust our sight. We have to raise our eyes and focus on the goodness of God. The heart knowledge of his goodness and grace must be primary to all we are called to do. He is our anchor in times of trouble. An anchor that brings us back into all that we really know to be true, even when we don’t feel like it is.

I feel like I’m just rambling tonight. So I will end with this. Fridays seem bad right now. They won’t always feel like this. Someday soon, I will look forward to Fridays again. But today is not that day.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Tom, thank you for this honesty, for your determination, for your friendship, for your example to us. Even now when I think "Julia died" it still seems so unreal - and is such a gut-punch - we are all missing her so much - we count it an honor to weep with you. lynn