Sunday, January 8, 2012

God is so Good

Tonight I want to reflect back some on the last two years.  It’s hard to believe that Julia died two years ago tonight.  That night was the lowest valley I think that I have ever been in.  Sometimes I look back and I just don’t believe how I got through it.  The utter shock of seeing someone who was so full of life and so vibrant, gone.  Yes, hone in what seemed like an instant.  That night I had a choice to make.  What was I going to do, was I going to blame God for this tragedy. Or was I going to choose to run into His arms and let Him carry me.  I thank Him that I had been learning and studying about His true nature.  I am so thankful that I knew that He wasn’t responsible and that I know of His goodness.  I had experienced it in a small measure, but I had no idea that He was as good as He is.

That first year, especially that first six months, I basically went to sleep with Him every night. He was always in my thoughts, and it was always about His love and His goodness.  I missed Julia so much, but His love and His comfort were there with me constantly.  I didn’t want to be with anyone, but He was there, holding me and watching over me.  It was if His Spirit was there, as a salve covering my deep wounds.  I had a choice, do I hold onto the past and try to keep things the way they were, or do I begin to try and heal, try to live again.  The school played a big part in my healing, as did my friends.  But really it was my learning to release Julia to Father God that really began my healing.

We can hold onto things and to people long after it is safe and healthy to keep them.  I could grab onto Julia’s memory, my memory of the way things were and live there, or I could release her and allow Father God to shift my memories and remove the pain from them.  You see, if I held onto her memory from that moment, then every memory would be filled with the pain of loss.  But by releasing Her to Father God, I released all the pain, and over time, He gave me memories back, but without the pain.  He is so good, we just have to allow Him to work with freedom in our life.  His goodness to me is so overwhelming.  I never thought that I could love again.  I truly thought that I would never be able to find room in my heart for anyone else.  But H had other plans.

He expanded my heart to make room for more love.  Why?  I believe because He has plans for me that needed a place for more love.  Anyway, He then connected me in ministry to a wonderful woman that Julia and I had met in November.  The rest is history, Sheryl has come into my live, a gift from my Father to be with me in this next phase of my life.  As much as I loved meeting Him every night that first year, He knew that I needed more of His love while I was here.  So He sent her to me.  My love for her is so great.  It’s something that I never thought I could experience again. I know that if I hadn’t given my memories of Julia to Him, He couldn’t have prepared me for this. 

It’s all about His goodness, but we play a part.  We have to choose to move forward and mot to stay locked in the past.  I still miss Julia, and tonight I do honor her.  But I see her all the time.  I see her especially in my girls.  They carry so much of her inside them.  Even my granddaughters carry some of her.  But now, I can see her and still love Sheryl.  That is as it should be, and I know that Julia is happy with this. Today at church, we sang “Love Came Down”.  That was my song that I listened to for a year as I wrote this blog about her.  But today it was sung is an upbeat fast arrangement.  It was like it was being performed just for me.  He wanted me to celebrate her life and His love.  I could do this, because He taught me about His goodness.

Never be afraid to release something to Him.  He will only give it back to you in a better way.  That is what He did with my memories and pain.  That is what He will do for you if you will let Him.  You see, He is really that good!

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