Day 6 - Facing Reality

This afternoon I was sitting in the rocking chair, rocking Julia Anne. It was a sweet time. I guess I was there about 30 -45 minutes. As I was rocking her I was listening to my newest favorite album. It is “Love Came Down” by Brian and Jen Johnson. It’s different from anything that Bethel has done. It is Acoustic worship with a Cello and Grand Piano. The title song is my favorite. The words are just where I have been, and still am. Here is the first verse and chorus:

If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear your voice, I’ll hold onto what is true though I cannot see; If the storms of life they come, and the road ahead is steep, I will lift these hands of faith, I will believe; I remind myself of all that you’ve done, and the life I have because of your son.

Love came down and rescued me, Love came down and set me free, I am yours, I am forever yours. Mountain high or valley low I sing out, remind my soul. I am yours I am forever yours.

These words really represent just where I am right now. Sometimes overwhelmed and even though for the most part I am still hearing His voice, I know that whether I hear or not I will hold on to what’s true. But this song is hitting me on another level. When I hear the words “Love cam down and rescued me, Love came down and set me free” I also am drawn to Julia and her love for me. You see, I think her love rescued me. God used her in so many ways to draw me to Him. I was raised in the Baptist church. My Dad was a Baptist minister. He still is, he just doesn’t call himself a Baptist. Now I thank God for my heritage and my Baptist roots. That has not always been the case. When I went to college, I pretty much rebelled against all that He stood for. I didn’t want to be seen in a Baptist church. That is why Julia and I got married in the Episcopal Church. My idea of Jesus back then was that of a lifeguard. I felt that I was saved and was going to heaven, and if things got bad, Jesus would rescue me. That was not good theology. But it was what I thought. My idea of a good time was a continual party. If Julia had ever gotten to know me before we were married, she would have called it off. Now Julia wasn’t walking very close to the Lord either, but she was closer than I was. Her love for me slowly brought me to the place where I could receive His love for me. So see, Her love came down and rescued me too.

Anyway, as I was rocking Julia Anne, I just let myself let go for a few minutes. As tears rolled down my cheeks, and I held my new granddaughter I once again, at a deeper level, knew that the reality is this. She is not coming back. At least not until Jesus comes. I know that, but part of me doesn’t want to accept that. How my acceptance of this reality, and how I deal with it in the coming weeks and months will determine how my healing progresses. I told Jennifer and Lisa tonight that they have to find a time to let go. It’s OK to grieve the loss of Julia. That doesn’t mean that we are giving up. No, I’m pressing in more than ever. The goodness of God is more real to me now than ever before. It’s just that I (we) have to face the reality of life without her.

Lisa and the girls are leaving in the morning. Jennifer is home with her families. We had a friend who is a photographer come and make newborn baby pictures today. What a blessing. As I look around, my life is filled with the blessings of God. I am so joyful for each one. Tomorrow is Sunday. I can’t wait to get to see my other family at RiverStone.

Day 5 First night out

Who made up the saying “Time flies when you are having fun”? I’ve heard that saying all my life. Didn’t they know that time flies. Period. It seems like the older I get the faster time goes by. I know it has really gone by this week. It was last Friday night when Julia passed away. We were all around her bed praying. Someday, I’ll write about that night, but this is not the day. Still one week has gone by, one more week in my life. I used to take it for granted that there would be more. Time truly does fly by. But as reflect on this past week, I want to think about all my friends and family. Without them, this week would have been much harder to deal with. Tonight I ventured out on my first outing without Julia. I did it with 6 of my closest friends. They set this up on Monday after Julia’s celebration service. They had it planned well. Dinner and a movie, well really a movie and then dinner. They enticed me with the movie Avatar, and an Italian dinner. I knew that they would not take no for an answer, and that I needed to get out. They know me very well, and I know that they have my best interest at heart. So I listen to them, and hear what they have to say whether I agree of not. So I went to the movie. It was great. Very prophetic, I really need to see it again soon. We had fun, laughed a lot. I found my mind going back to Julia, especially during dinner. It’s funny how your mind goes through the little things. I noticed it was a table for 7, and my mind said it should have been 8. Things like that constantly come back. But the good news is that it was fun. We had a good time, and most of the time I wasn’t thinking about Julia.

Friends are important. We all have a few. We need more. Many Christians try to live their life as a believer in isolation. I know because I did that for years. It’s wrong. The Christian life is best in community. It’s in community that we learn to share with each other, to reach out to each other. It’s in community where we learn to use spiritual gifts. The best place to develop community is in small groups. Our church has small groups. These groups are places where we get to know each other. Places where we learn to pray and minister to each other. If you are not in a small group, you are missing one of the best parts of Christian life. I thank God for my small group. We had our first meeting of the New Year last night. I wanted to go, but I felt like the Holy Spirit wanted me to stay home. I’m glad I did. They needed a time to share about Julia, to honor her and love her. My being there might have cut that off. They might have been quiet in deference to my feelings. I’m glad they got to go ahead. I’ll be back next week. Julia and I have been involved in small groups for over 25 years and I’m not stopping now. They are life to me. Many of my best memories come out of small group meetings

Before I close tonight, as this first week comes to an end, I want to thank all of my family and friends for all the support. Your love and prayers have kept me and Jennifer and Lisa going this week. You have been great, great to pray, to bring meals, to call, just to be there. You have been “Jesus with skin on” to us this week. I love you all.

Day 4 Ups and Downs

I know that there will be many days like today. First, I’m beginning to get caught up on my sleep. Last night I went to bed after washing the tablecloth, and for about 5 minutes had a hard time. I was just thinking of Julia and how much I missed her. I had to dial down and seek the presence of God. Once I concentrated on His presence and begin just trying to connect with Him, I began to be better. I wasn’t really praying, just resting in His arms. You can do that you know. Intimacy with the Godhead is not just all about reading the Bible and praying. Sure, that’s important, but intimacy is also about just resting, soaking in His presence. You have to let Him meet you where you are, and then let Him take you where He is. To be able to meet Him you have to release fear and anxiety. You also have to all slow your mind down. Sometimes thinking about all the problems and possible solutions keep you from the real solution, Him. Anyway, I slept 9 hours and felt refreshed.

It must be hard being a 3 year old, especially when a new baby comes on the scene. My 3-year-old granddaughter has been adjusting (or not) to the new baby today. I’ve heard that this can be hard, and it definitely seems to be taking its toll on Mom and both the kids. Well, I was trying to distract my granddaughter by watching pictures on my computer. She loves to do this, especially if they are of her. As I was looking at all the pictures I kept seeing Julia. Seeing her smile, and bright blue eyes. She always made great pictures and I found myself laughing and crying at the same time as my 3 yr old granddaughter and I spent almost an hour watching pictures. I was really getting sad, but then we started playing in the basement and I took her to swing and all of a sudden I was happy again. That’s pretty much how the day has been, a day of ups and downs. But it did bring back some old memories:

I remember after we were first married. My first assignment out of Pilot training was Hickam AFB in Honolulu, Hawaii. I was going to fly C130’s in Search and Rescue. I was excited, and I think Julia was but she had never been out of the state of Georgia. She had gone to a small girls school, Tift College, in Forsyth GA. She had lived at home after college when she started teaching. So here we were after 3 dates married and on our honeymoon. You have to understand, I had been in Pilot training for a year. It was very stressful and competitive. I didn’t have time to plan a honeymoon. I sort fo figured it would just work out. WRONG! My plan was to spend the first night at the Regency Hyatt in Atlanta. In 1971 it was the hotel to stay in. Then we were going to drive down to Jeckle Island and spend a week at the beach, relaxing and enjoying each other. I only made one mistake. I forgot to get reservations at the beach. I didn’t know that there were 3 conventions going on that week. There wasn’t a hotel room to be had on the island. Strike one! We spent the night at the Holiday Inn in Brunswick GA. Julia was so gentle and kind, even though I knew she was probably mad at me. Well I thought we would stop at Amelia Island. Nope, all full (after all it was early July). Well we finally found a place across the street from the beach in Daytona Beach. We had a good time that week, in spite of my lack of planning. I guess that was Julia’s first introduction to my spontaneity, or as she would say, ”my lack of planning”. There would be more times over the next 38 years, but never as memorable.

So I feel much better now. I’m setting here watching Homeward Bound with my Daughter Lisa and the kids and her friend Lisadawn. I have learned today that there are going to be ups and downs. But I know that if I keep my eyes on the things that are important, and my heart turned to God and his presence that I can overcome the downs and enjoy the ups.

Day 3 What does "normal" look like?

The dictionary defines normal as “regular, standard, ordinary, common, usual or natural." Something that is normal is usual and ordinary, and is what people expect. According to that definition, Julia and I didn’t have very many normal days. At least not in the last 10 years. I guess we had normal days more when the kids were little, and we had more structure. For one thing, my profession didn’t lead to normal days. For 25 years I was a pilot for Delta Airlines. A pilot’s life doesn’t lend itself to "normal". Your schedule is very irregular. You are either home or you are gone. And there are no such things as weekends or holidays. I was blessed, because for 14 of those years I worked in Flight training as an instructor. My “ normal" then was to work anytime of the day from 5AM to midnight. The simulator runs 20 hours a day, and you are scheduled for any of those periods that they need you. So I guess my normal has always looked different than anyone else’s. For the past 3 years I have been working as a contract simulator instructor with Delta. I work when I’m needed, usually anywhere from 10 – 20 days a month. Add in Sunday church, Sozos of Friday nights, cell group on Thursday night and this year the Bethel Atlanta School of Supernatural Ministry on Monday and Tuesday nights, so we really haven’t had “normal in a long time. But it’s not about what you do; it’s about who you do it with. Normal for me was to have Julia by my side. We led group together (I know I talked more, but her input was invaluable). We did sozos together, or on the same nights. We trained ministry teams together. We prayed together. We went to Healing prayer together. Except for a couple of nights a week in school, or when I was at work we were totally involved in each other’s life. I loved it that way. Oh, we weren’t perfect by any means. We could disagree on many things. But our passion was the same. That passion was and is to bring the Kingdom of God into everywhere we went, and to set the captives free.

So really my question is really “What does it look like without Julia?” To be brutally honest, it sounds very lonely. I really can’t picture myself without her. Even in the little things. For example, I still haven’t found out where she put the camera. I’ve been looking for two days. Also, Jennifer asked me where the cleaning supplies were to clean the bathtub. I didn’t know. I don’t know what that says about me except that I took a lot of the things Julia did around the house for granted. I knew that she did a lot; I just didn’t realize how much it took to keep life running. I think that is part of the “male image”. We think that all we have to do is go to work, come home and relax. We forget that our wives work too. Some work a full time job and keep the house. Right now, on looking back, I wish that I had done more to partner with her around the house. I did more than others, but I realize that I could have helped out more.

But I digress. The new “normal” is going to take more than one day to figure out. I know that even when I am lonely, God will keep me from loneliness. Already the Holy Spirit is meeting with me at night when I go to bed and the communion is sweeter than it has ever been. It’s as if Julia asked Him to come and comfort me. But He is called the comforter; it’s just that this is a side of Him that I haven’t seen in my life before now.

Well I guess that’s all for tonight. I just spilt coffee all over the floor, rug and tablecloth. “Julia would not be happy right now”. Sorry honey :>). Time to clean up.

Day 2 Julia meet Julia

12:30 comes early , or late, depending on your point of view. To me it was early this morning. I was staying over at friends while my house was full of family. I think I actually laid down at around 10:45PM. We had, giving honor and glory and praise to the father of lights. I do believe he was pleased with everyone and everything. His presence carried us to new levels. I was very tired, exhausted and really a little apprehensive about what the next day would bring. Jennifer and Sean and the girls were flying out the next morning, and Hernan, Lisa and Lisadawn were leaving around lunch. I was already dreading being alone in the house. It seemed like I had just gone to sleep when the phone rang. It was Lisa telling me that I needed to change my plans. She was going into labor. I was going to be a grandfather! That was obviously no surprise. But so soon after the service, that was a surprise! Being the calm granddad that I am, I tried to go back to sleep until she needed me. I figured we were in for a long day. After all her last labor was over 12 hours. I forgot that Julia had told Lisa a couple of weeks ago that she dreamed that the baby came very quick this time.

Now I always figured that Lisa would have a girl. You see, my father had 4 sisters, I had 3 sisters, 2 daughters and 3 granddaughters. So the odds of a grandson have never seemed high. But you can always hope. With all the modern technology, you think that I would have known whether it was a girl or a boy. But that’s if you use the modern technology. Lisa is all about natural, organic, and home births. Julia and I have learned a lot from her about healthy eating and living. Julia was gung – ho about it all. Me, I had to be brought into it slowly. It’s been a few years now, and I am a believer. I haven’t had a diet coke in over 3 and a half years. I’m healthier than I have ever been. My blood work is better than ever and I attribute most of these results to healthy eating. But lets get back to the sex of my future grandchild. Being a man, I obviously was hoping for a boy. Lisa had a name picked out and I was ready. She still hadn’t picked out a name for the girl. Then came last week’s tragedy with Julia. After her passing, we were in the hospital when Lisa told me if the baby was a girl, she was going to name the baby Julia. That shifted everything in me. Now I wanted another granddaughter more than anything. I felt that it would be a blessing for God to bring another Julia into my world.

So here we are, two trips to Wal-Mart later, and she is delivering, right in our house, with the whole family there. It was such a blessing to have a birth, pray for life and health. The goodness of God released in our presence with a new promise of life. It was as if Julia talked to Jesus and asked if he would arrange a perfect night for us in what would have been a grief filled night. I’m crying as I write this now. The tears are a mixture of joy and sorrow. I know there will be many days of joy, and some days of sorrow. I heard Graham Cooke talk about Gods grace. He said Grace is Gods divine gift to enjoy and Gods divine gift to endure. Today has been full of Grace. The good news is I’m still here with family. Jennifer is staying until Thursday, and I’m not sure when Lisa and the gang are leaving. As I close tonight I know that sometime this morning around 3AM Julia met Julia, and that is good.

Oh, I don’t want to leave you hanging. After our first date in April, Julia and I dated 2 more times. It was a long distance relationship. I graduated from Pilot Training in Texas on July 8, and we were married Sat July 11 1971.

Meeting Julia

Today Julia and I celebrated our 38 and ½ year anniversary. After 38 years of marriage most people would only celebrate the yearly anniversary. To be truthful that is what we normally do. But today was not a normal day. Today was Julia’s celebration service as she went home to be with Jesus. We didn’t have a 60^th birthday party for her on Thanksgiving day, but today was a party. It was a party honoring her, and celebrating the Goodness of God. God is Good; Julia helped me see that in so many ways. I begin this blog not having a clue as to what it will be or become. I just know that it is something I am supposed to do. I’m tired, it’s late so this will be short. I remember tonight the first time I looked into her deep blue eyes. I felt like I was being pulled deep into a place where I didn’t really want to go, but yet because of those eyes, a place where I needed to go. We met in April 1971. I was in Air Force Pilot Training in Lubbock Texas, and I was flying home on a cross-country training flight. We met on a blind date, and after being pulled in by those blue eyes, I asked her to marry me. The shock was that she said yes.