500 Days

It’s really hard to believe. I mean that tonight marks my 500th straight day of blogging. That’s right, tonight is post number 500. What’s even more amazing is that I haven’t missed a night. Sure, I’ve posted many after midnight. And the days when I was in Australia were different, but I made up the day that I lost going over by doing two when I came back. So here I am tonight on number 500.

As I reflect back on those days, many were filled with grief and pain. But in that grief and pain there was always the truth that God is good and He gives good gifts to those He loves. There were many nights when I started off sad and ended very happy. Happy to be able to walk in the light of His love. His love has sustained me through out the early days, and His love has pushed me deeper as time has gone by. I know that many of my post have not been very good. But I also know that many of them have been very good. I’ve been told that I should use them to write a book, and I think that is an idea that is worth looking at. My problem is one of having enough time to pull it all together.

I can only gage the success of my blog by what impact it has made on my life. I know it has helped others, but that is hard to quantify. But I look at where I was, and now I see where I am and even more, where I am going. When I look at that, I can judge this venture a success. Funny thing about grief, it seems to morph with time. I am not sure it ever goes away, but there is a time where you take control over it instead of it controlling you. That’s what I had to do, but it takes time. Grief is like a wild horse. You can’t just tame it instantly. You have to have little victories until you can go take over the reigns without even thinking. I know that writing this blog was a very big help in taking control. It’s like I could just download all my feelings without dumping on my family. There is something about the written word that is at the same time powerful and not personal. So I was able to tell deep personal feelings without really going into any harsh time of seeking other’s permission.

I have come from a grieving widower whose dreams were shattered and shipwrecked to a man who loves life and is living His dream of helping equip and train this next generation. I’ve gone from a man who never thought He would ever be able to love deeply again, to a man who has a deep passion and love for another, contrary to anything I ever thought would or could happen. God and His love has so filled me that I can’t help but give it away to someone else. When Julia died, I felt that I would never love another. I really felt that I had no room in my heart for anyone else. And now, here I am so in love with Sheryl that it just doesn’t make sense. God has shown me that I have a great capacity for love and He wants that love released. So, 500 days later, I am in love again. Like I said earlier, Sheryl will never replace Julia because she doesn’t have to, I have the ability to love Sheryl for who she is just as I loved Julia for who she was.

So, here after 500 days and nights, I am the same, but I am so different. In many ways when the door opened at the end of the school year and my year of transition ended, it was like when I walked through that door, I walked into another time, another life as it were. Many things are the same, and will be. But so many are completely different. I’ve always said change is inevitable, but I didn’t realize it could come so fast and so painlessly.

So, where do I go from here? Do I keep blogging? I’m not sure. I don’t want to do it just because it has become a part of my life, even though it has. I will write as long as I have something to say, but I’m not sure I will try to make another 500 days in a row. For one thing, I have more to keep me occupied. For those of you who didn’t’ know, Sheryl and I are engaged, and will be married sometime this summer. It will be a small simple ceremony, and I might write about it, but I might not. When fall comes, and school starts back I am going to be very busy. I already am interviewing first year students, and that is a lot of fun. With a new wife and school, I might not have time to blog every day. If I change format, I might change web sites so that it can be sent to those who want it immediately after I write it and they don’t have to check every day to see if there has been any posts.

500 days, and His goodness continues to amaze me. He has given me special gifts in friends and now especially in a new partner and friend. This I do know; we will pursue after His presence at least as hard as Julia and I did. I think He likes that.